First Ellen Dickson wrote: Then there was the cartoon in Starlog, where Bridger is approached by one of the writer's/producers (during 2nd season - Bridger had a beard), with the caption (something like): This week you get captured by Lobster man. The Bridger character says: That's IT! I QUIT!!!! Then Deanna Toxopeus wrote: Tonight on seaQuest DSV . . . Nova Scotia Lobster Fisherman: You've got to help us, Captain. The thing is attacking our boats! I've lost three friends this week alone! Bridger: We'll do what we can. **** (Scene switches to a conduit. Lonnie is crawling on her hands and knees as fast as possible. Lobster man is scuttling behind.) Loni: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Tim: LONI!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm coming Loni!!!!!!!!!! Loni: TIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tim: LONI!!!!!!!!!!!! Loni: TIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tim: (Tim grabs Loni by the hand) It's okay Loni, I've got you. (but once again because Tim didn't move Loni fast enough, Monster-of-the-week, Lobersterman grabs her in his claw and drags her back down the corridor. Close up on Tim who looks like he is going to puke) **** Bridger: Brody, I want to load all the garlic butter you can find into the torpedo tubes and target that Lobster. Brody: Garlic butter? Bridger: Don't ask. Brody: (Leaves, muttering) I'm going to see if Beakman needs a new Lester. Lucas: It should have been me! It's my fault Loni's gone! Piccolo: Actually wouldn't it be Tim's? Ortiz: Yeah Lucas, why are you feeling guilty, Tim was the one that let Lobsterman get her. O'Neill: Thanks a lot guys! Ford: Cut the chatter, we have a crisis! Lucas: But it should have been me! Bridger: Not now, Lucas. Lucas: But it's my manditory, "Lucas shows emotion" scene, Roy . . . I mean, Captain. (Whispers) It's in the script. Bridger: (Looks at Lucas.) There are a lot of things in the script, that doesn't mean I have to agree with them. **** Then Sarah.E.Heim@lawrence.edu jumped in with: (ENTER WENDY, IN AN OUTFIT APPARENTLY MADE ENTIRELY FROM COLORED SHRINK- WRAP. PER USUAL.) WENDY: Nathan! Are you planning to drown that creature in garlic butter? BRIDGER: Yes. WENDY: You can't do that! BRIDGER: Wendy, it captured a member of this crew. We have to rescue Henderson. (Mutters) Unfortunately. WENDY: It doesn't mean any harm! It just wants to talk to you. BRIDGER: To me? WENDY: Yes! I can sense it -- it doesn't mean any harm to Loni. BRIDGER: (To Lucas) And this would be the obligatory psychic scene. LUCAS: Um, yes. BRIDGER: Right. Okay, Wendy, I'll go talk to it. (CUT TO BRIDGER CRAWLING THROUGH ACCESS TUNNELS. HE COMES UPON LOBSTER-MAN AND LONI.) BRIDGER: Dr. Smith says you don't mean any harm. LOBSTERMAN: I don't want to hurt the woman. (Releases Loni.) BRIDGER: Okay. Great. Um, will you be moving on, then? LOBSTERMAN: She can go. (Loni heads out at a good clip. Bridger starts to follow. Lobsterman grabs him by the leg.) You can't. BRIDGER: I thought you didn't mean any harm! LOBSTERMAN: Not to her. I want you. I seek revenge for all the lobster dinners you and your wife enjoyed! BRIDGER: A vengeful lobster mutant. LOBSTERMAN: A hungry lobster mutant! (He waggles his stuffed antennae in a vaugely menacing manner.) BRIDGER: (sighs) Oh, god. (CUT TO THE BRIDGE.) WENDY: It's got Nathan! LUCAS: I thought you said it didn't mean any harm! WENDY: Not to Loni! LONI: This sounds familar. FORD: Everybody, shut up. We need a plan to rescue the captain. (PAUSE FOR SOME HARD THINKING) BRODY: What about that garlic butter? (Dagwood burps.) Never mind. No, wait a minute! Dagwood, do you think you could... DAGWOOD: It's raw. BRODY: I guess that's a problem even for you. **** Then dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca (Deanna Toxopeus) wrote: FORD: All right people we are going to rescue the Captain. Brody put a team together! Brody: Finally some action! (Starts taking off his shirt) Ford: Ortiz! Henderson! You're on the team too. Now go get into your underwear! (Ortiz and Henderson run off the Bridge) O'Neill: (Stands up) Permission to go with the team. Ford: Denied. Your underwear isn't skimpy enough. O'Neill: What about my Saturday underwear? Ford: Tim, the world is not ready for that sight. Trust me. Wendy: I had better go too. Nathan might need me. Ford: Good idea. O'Neill: How come she gets to go? Ford: She doesn't need to change. Lucas: (Steps forward) Commander, I . . . Ford: No, Lucas. Depsite the fact that there are thousands of teenagers that would love to see you in your underwear, you're not going. Lucas: Why not? Ford: You forgot about the manditory, Lucas gets treated like a kid scene. Lucas: That will change next season! **** Then Sarah.E.Heim@lawrence.edu wrote: Piccolo: Um, excuse me, Commander? Ford: What is it, Tony? Piccolo: Can I have some shore leave? Ford: NOW?!?! Piccolo: Um, yeah. Lucas: Tony, the captain's being held hostage by a giant mutant lobster. It's not really the right moment for you to take a vacation. Piccolo: I was supposed to ask earlier, but I forgot. (Whispers) It's the manditory family subplot. I've got to go visit my cousin Guido and be tempted to go back to my dishonest ways. It's in the script. Ford: Oh, fine, go. Don't irritate the lobster as you leave. (Cut to Piccolo and a Mafia type with dark glasses.) Mafia Type: So, Tony, ya gonna helpa da family? Piccolo: No. I'm going to go straight and stay on seaQuest and try to become an officer. Mafia Type: Oh. (Cut to Lobsterman and Bridger. Bridger has ketchup smeared on his leg to indicate a wound from Lobsterman's claw.) Bridger: Why are you angry with me in particular? There must be lots of people who've eaten lobster. Lobsterman: That's true. However, most of the lobsters you ate came from a particular lobster settlement in Maine, where I lived. You've eaten most of my friends and family. (Becoming depressed) You don't know what it's like, being left all alone in the world. (Psychotic fury) I will have my revenge! Bridger: WAIT! Continuing the cycle of violence won't help. You have to stop the killing. Lobsterman: No, I don't think so. I'm hungry. (Bends over Bridger. Enter Brody, Henderson, Ortiz and Wendy, all scantily clad. B, H and O have rifles at the ready. W is waving her stethescope) Brody: Hold it right there! (He and Ortiz throw themselves on Lobsterman and wrestle him away from Bridger. Wendy listens to Bridger's injured leg with her stethescope, and Loni throws her arms around him.) Loni: (Over the noise of the continuing battle between Brody, Ortiz, and Lobsterman) Oh, captain, thank goodness you're all right! (Plants a kiss on his mouth.) Bridger: Aaugh! What are you doing *that* for? Loni: It's the mandatory Loni-hits-on-a-male-crew-member scene. Bridger: Why *me*? Loni: (tearfully) Well, I've done all the others except Jonathan, and I've got to save him for next season. Bridger: Darwin? Loni: (Perks up) Oh. No! (She runs out, avoiding the continuing fight with Lobsterman.) Darwin! Yoohoo! Bridger: Phew. Lobsterman: You puny humans are no match for me! (Thudding sounds) Hahahaha! (evil lobster laughter. Wendy cringes. Bridger rolls his eyes.) **** Then dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca (Deanna Toxopeus) wrote: seaQuest DSV will return after these messages . . . At Pondergrosa we are cooking up some great surprises! (Scenes of steak, salada and seafood. Coackroachs scuttle over the meat.) So come to Pondergrosa for a gret meal. (Music) Great Horse, Pondergrosa! Great Horse, Pondergrosa! *** Tonight on Dateline: O.J. goes shopping for golf gloves. We'll find out what colour. There has been a shocking number of no talents working in Holywood. We'll meet some of them. The internet. Does it breed sedition? We'll talk to Pat Hasburgh and Lee Goldberg who claim it does. That's Dateline after bayQuest 90210. **** Now back to seaQuest DSV . . . (In the moonpool) Darwin: (swimming madly in circles) Get away from Darwin! Me no want to mate! Me not in mood! Loni not Darwin's type! Help! Bridger! Lucas! O'Neill! Somebody!!!! Loni: (swimming after him) Come here you cutie! **** (On the Bridge) Ford: Damn it! Now he's got Brody, Ortiz and Wendy as well as Bridger. (looks around the Bridge) People we need ideas! Lucas: We can flood the tubes with boiling water. That should cooking him enough so Dagwood could eat him. O'Neill: But that would cook the Captain and the rest too. Ford: O'Neill's right, we need a distraction. (looks at O'Neill.) I've got an idea! **** (Back in the conduits) Lobersterman: I now have three more Crustacean eaters up which to have my revenge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHAAAHHA! Wendy: Oh, Nathan! I am so scared. (Nathan doesn't move) (Whispers) Roy! You're supposed to put your arms around me. Bridger: Why?!? Wendy: (Still whispering) Because it's the manditory female-gets-scared and needs to be comforted scene. I drew the short straw in the story meeting this time. Now where was I? (Normal voice) I am so scared. We're doomed? Bridger: (Under his breath) Just like our careers. Ford: (Offstage) Loberstman! This is Commander Jonathan Ford of the UEO seaQuest. This is your last chance. Give up and I promise you will get a fair trial. Lobersterman: HA! Do your worst, soldierboy. Just remember that I've got your friends. Ford: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Captain! Cover your eyes! (Everyone looks confused. Tim walks into the conduit. [Manditory glaring continuity error - you can't stand up in a conduit] He is wearing only his saturday underwear, a t-shirt and a pair of protective goggles) Lobersterman: ARRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!! THE GLARE!!!!!!!!! IT HURTS MY EYES!!!!!! STOP!!! PLEASE, STOP!!!!!! (As Lobersterman screams, Ford, Dagwood and Lucas, all wearing protective goggles, run into the conduit and grab their crewmembers and drag them out) Ford: (offstage) Okay, Tim! We've got them, get out! (O'Neill leaves. The doors shut, hot water begins to flood the tubes) Lobsterman: No, not hot water! ARRRGGGGGGGG! (Lobersterman begins to make that high pitch whining sound that Lobersters make when they are being cooked) **** Then Sarah.E.Heim@lawrence.edu added: (Cut to Piccolo and the Mafia Type.) Mafia Type: (Points to camera) Why're they back? Piccolo: Oh, don't worry. It's just the manditory cut from an intense scene to the subplot the audience forgot about. Mafia Type: Oh. (Cut to Bridger, Brody, Dagwood, Ford, O'Neill, Ortiz, Wendy, and Lucas in Med Bay. Bridger is on a bed. Wendy is bandaging his leg.) Bridger: Good work, everyone. Thank you. I was a little worried there. Ford: No problem, sir. Bridger Let's drain off the water in a few minutes. As soon as it cools down in there, Dagwood, you go in and bring the lobster out. Dagwood: Yes sir. O'Neill: (looks up from computer console) Sir, Admiral Noyce calling for you. Bridger: Put him on. (Noyce appears on a big screen conviently situated opposite Bridger's bed.) Noyce: Dammit, Nathan, just once would you follow orders? Bridger: Bill, you didn't give me any orders. You don't know what we've been doing. Noyce: It's the manditory UEO-yells-at-the-captain scene. Bridger I wonder why they even *try* to come up with plots. Okay, Bill, I'll follow orders next time unless of course I don't. Noyce: All right. (He starts to close the channel) Bridger: Hey! Don't you want to hear my report? Noyce: Not really. I'm still recovering from the last one. Where you met (snort) Neptune. Bridger: Right. (Channel closed.) Okay, Dagwood, why don't you go get the lobster and take it down to the mess hall. (He starts to get off the bed.) The rest of us will go back to the bridge and start assessing damage. Wendy: (As everyone starts to leave) Hold on, Nathan. I'd like to keep you here for observation. Bridger: (Puzzled) But, Wendy, it's just a little ketchup -- I mean, cut. I won't rip out the stitches, I promise. Wendy: You can't be too careful. (She pushes him back on the bed. Lucas is still standing by the door.) Go on, go back to the bridge. Bridger: Wendy, I think you're overreacting just a little. Wendy: (smolderingly) Did I say *medical* observation? Bridger: What? Wendy: (Sidling up to him) Now... we're alone... (A look of horror comes over the captain's face.) Bridger: No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm leaving, goodbye Wendy, got to check on my boat, check on Darwin... DARWIN! Oh God, I set Henderson on Darwin! (He runs out. Wendy follows) (Cut to the mess hall. Dagwood is cracking open lobster claws with a sledgehammer. He starts scooping meat out and devouring it. Slowly, he raises his head. There is an evil red gleam in his eyes.) (Cut to the moonpool. Darwin is leaping over the walkway, still trying to escape Loni.) Darwin: NO! WANT! MATE! Loni: Oh, come on, just try it! (Enter Bridger, running.) Darwin: Bridger! HELP! Bridger Henderson! Get out the pool right now! You're supposed to be on duty! I should have you courtmartialed! (Aside) Wish I could. (Back) Out of the water, ensign, that's an order! Loni: (Scrambles out.) Oh, Nathan, you *do* care! (She gives him a big wet hug. He struggles) Bridger Aaugh! (Enter Wendy, running. She shrieks.) Wendy: NO! He's mine! We're falling madly in love. Bridger: AAUGH! Wendy: It's in the script! Bridger: I don't care! It's disgusting! Wendy: It's the manditory Bridger-and-Wendy-are-an-item moment! Bridger: I *really* don't care! It's making me sick! Loni: Hey, Darwin! Darwin: NOOOOOOO! Bridger: Don't you dare! Get back to the bridge! (Loni leaves. Wendy comes up and tries to hug and kiss Bridger)_AAAAH!_ No! Get *off* me! I am not going to kiss anyone who is more than ten years younger than I am! (Enter Dagwood) Dagwood: (Even more stiltedly than usual) Cap. Ten. Brid. Ger. Bridger: What is it, Dagwood? Why are you talking like that? Dagwood: I. Am. Not. Dag. Wood. (He jerks his arms up in a parody of lobster claws. Bridger pales.) Bridger: No. Oh, God, no, no, this has gone on too long already. You *cannot* be possesed by the spirit of Lobsterman. Dagwood: It. Is. The. Man. Di. Tor. E. Su. Per. Nat. Ur. Al. Plot. Twist. **** Then stirro@freenet.vcu.edu (Shelia Tirro) wrote: And now your local friendly superhero Spid...err...wiat, wrong list. SHELIA will come to the rescue!! As Darwin swims, Loni, Bridger, Wendy, Lucas (standing at the entrance to the moonpool room) stare in wonder, disgust, sadness, and puzzlement (respectively) at Dagwood. Bridger: (aside to Darwin) Do you have any ideas about this? Darwin: Sic Loni on him! He deserve it for disgusting plot twist! Bridger: But it's not his fault it's there. The plot twist that is. Darwin: Well, who else to sic her on? Bridger: (mumbling) Good point. (back) Loni, take him, if you must have someone! Loni: (squeal) Oh thanks, Captain! Here fish boy!!! Dagwood: No. That. Pic. O. Llo. (eyes widening in fear.) Piccolo: (barging by Lucas) Somebody call me? (sees Loni running towards Dagwood) NO! WE're psychically connected! If you do THAT with him, I'll get the feedback! (aside) Ugh! Dagwood, in the small part of his brain that's left him by the spirit of the Lobsterman, sens out a psychic scream for help thatboth Wendy and Piccolo hear. They srtuggle for the right to do the obligatory-psychic resuce of a poor normal. Finally Piccolo wins, Leaving Wendy on her but on the floor, looking up surprise written on her face while Bridger smiles smugly and walks away from her to attend to Darwin. We finaly see a gaseous form of a lobster leaving Dagwood, which gets captured by Darwin in a pice of his dinner. Darwin, much smarter than Dagwood, tosses the fishie up on the floor of the moon pool in disgust and swims out. Wendy: But Bridger, you're supposed to help me up! It's in the script! Then we have a passionate kiss! Bridger: Damn the scripts, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! *** Then The Mighty Q-Ball (also known as Nibor) wrote: (suddenly we cut to the outside of seaQuest where a huge, glowing, and pulsing transdimensional worm hole is opening up to satisfy The Manditory Use Of Special Effects That Really Don't Advance The Story Line Or Add To The Plot, But It Sure Is Purty!) O'Neill: (on his Pal) Um, Captain, we need you on the Bridge! Bridger: What is it now!?! O'Neill: It's a transdimenisonal worm hole that will suck us in and throw us into pearl as we journey to a unknown destination. Perhaps to a parallel dimension where our lives will be threaten by an unknown forces. Yet, we will be brave and courageous in the face of danger! Be strong my fellow crewmembers. Bridger: Gees, Tim, where did that come from? O'Neill: Oh, it's the writers agains. You know how they like to insert these long drawn out speeches. Bridger: You better watch out or they won't give you any lines next season. O'Neill: Oh, like I have any dialog this season. (cut to seaQuest being sucked into the transdimensional worm hole. More lame special effects. Cut back to the crew over acting like in the original Star Trek as the ship rocks back and force. People are being thrown all over the place and everyone isJ screaming. Cut to the outside again in the worm hole. Reminscent of the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy's house is sucked up in the tornado, suddenly the Sliders: Rembrant, Quinn, Wade, Arturo, the Evil Slider, and Henry the Dog is seen floating around seaQuest. Suddenly, a bright light fills the screen. seaQuest is now seen dropping out of the sky and crashing in the middle of a corn field!) Ford: Ouch. Where are we? Lucas: We're in the middle of a corn field! Ortiz: Anyone for Jiffy Pop? (Bridger running to the Bridge) Bridger: We need an away team to scout the area! Lucas: ME! ME! ME! Bridger: Just wait till next season. Now SHUT UP! (the crew claps) Okay, Ortiz, Brody, Wendy, Loni, Piccolo, Ford you're with me. Lucas you stay here because you're still a child. Tim, you stay here because you're only a hologram on the bridge! Dagwood, clean your room! (Now outside in the cornfield) Bridger: Wow corn! Wendy: I thought we were going to do this next season. Brody: (Whispering) Um, Wendy, I overheard the producers and you're not coming back next season. As for me, everyone loves me. They would never think of getting rid of me. Wendy: THOSE PRODUCERS!!! (Wendy starts walking off the sound stage) Bridger: Wendy, where're going? Wendy: I have a headache! (Suddenly, a group of Advil employees grab Wendy and drag her away screaming) Bridger: Oh, well. At least, I won't have to do the Manditory Wendy & Bridger Psuedo-Relatitionship anymore. (off screen, several shrieks and screams can be heard) female voice 1: MY CHILDREN!!! THEY'VE KILLED MY CHILDREN!!! male voice a: KILL THEM ALL!!!! (suddenly, a group of 13 corn like creatures with arms and legs approach the away team. The Corn-Creatures are carrying hoes and pitch forks.) Bridger: What's going on? Brody: We must kill those that what we do not understand! Bridger: (on his Pal) Lucas, what's going on! (cut to the bridge where Lucas is at his computer and special effects flash on the screen) Lucas: Apparently, we're on a parallel earth where man never evolved into the predominant species on earth. Through some writer's warp sense of science, corn seems to be the most intelligent species on earth! Even though sociology dictates that the Corn species would develop their own language by themselves, for some reason they still speak English. Go figure. O'Neill: We're on the Planet of the Corn!!!! Well, I guess this is better than the Planet of The Killer Psychic Shapeshifting Cockroaches. Lucas: Tim, you just gave the writers an idea... O'Neill: ARGH! (Cut to the away team) Piccolo: Why are they so angry at us? Ford: I think we killed they're children. Besides it's the Manditory B-Movie Rip Off (Cut to seaquest squashing a row of corn) Loni: Oh, the humanity!!!! All those virgins gone to waste!!! Ortiz: Did anyone catch the Children of the Corn last night? Just wondering... *** Then dtoxopeu (Deanna Toxopeus) But first . . . . seaQuest DSV will return after these messages. New from Walt Disney Pictures . . . It was a time of darkness, it was a time of dispair, yet in all things there is something good. Salem. The new full length animated feature from Walt Disney Pictures. Starring Manilow Crocker as the inquisitor, a good man driven to do bad things. Crocker: Burn them! Burn them! And some unknown pretty person as as the accused Isabelle. Isabelle: I love the spirts of the forrest. And Matthew Perry as the only man who believed in her. Matthew: I will save her! With fifteen new songs from Tim Rice and Prince. Salem. Opens friday. *** Hi I'm Big Bill McWiggins. I've got cars, I've got lots of cars. You want 'em, come and get 'em. Why are you still sitting there. MOVE!!!!!!!!! *** Tonight on Dateline: Is television mindless entertainment? We'll find out. Is Bill Clinton mindless? We'll find out. And is that really Jane Pauly's hair? We'll find out. *** Now back to seaQuest DSV. Lonnie: We're doomed! Some one comfort me. Brody: Me! Ford: Me! Ortiz: Dibbs! Bridger: NOT NOW GENTLEMEN! Lucas: CAPTAN GET ON THE RAFT! Bridger: Come on everyone on the raft. Lucas: Now Tim! Lucas: CAPTAIN???? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!!!! Bridger: I'M FINE, SEND . . . wait a minute. Lucas that was great work. I guess that was the Boy-genius-saves-the-day story line again, huh. Lucas: That and the let's-wrap-up-a-plot-line-in-three-minutes device. Bridger: I don't care as long as this stupid thing is over with. We're coming back, and tell the crew it's movie night. It's a shame to waist all this popcorn. Ford: Sir, what just happened was not scientifically possible. Bridger: Don't argue Jonathan, anything that ends this stupid plot is worth putting up with. Let's go people. Cornperson: And we would have gotten away with it to if it had been for that kid! Bridger: Great, now we are stealing from Scooby Doo. Brody, deal with him. seaFact: Hi, I'm Patrick Hasburgh, and I'm here at seaWorld to show you this amazing creature - the leach. The leach is a worm that attaches itself to a healthy creature and sucks the lifeblood out of it. Kind of like what I did to this show . . . WAIT A MINUTE!!! THIS ISN'T THE MASTERPIECE I WROTE!!! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! **** Waldorf: That was terrible! Statler: That was great! Waldorf: Well it wasn't that bad. Statler: Then again, it wasn't that good. Waldorf: Mediocre. Statler: Fair. Waldorf: Good stuff. Statler: Actually, that stunk. Waldorf: MORE! Statler: BOO! *** Next week on seaQuest DSV . . . The crew must battle an evil being known only as THE SEAMSTRESS Ortiz: LOOK OUT TIM! SHE'S GOT SOME PINKING SHEERS!!!!!!!!!!