Resent-date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 13:04:55 -0500 (CDT) Date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 10:52:25 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (0/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/86 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 ::deep breath:: Okay...my first non-2047 fanfic. It's been nearly two years since I started it; I gave it a debut on the TedTales list and didn't get any hatemail, soooo... This came from an idle conversation over the fact that neither Tim nor Jim was ever seen having an actual *relationship* with a woman (before Weapons of War, anyway). Feedback, whether in the form of Nerf arrows or chocolate, gratefully accepted. Oh, and a warning: even though this story is done, the action isn't...I'm working on the sequel now. Once more, acknowledgements are in order: To Rachel, who told me that I *would* post this...stop saying "I told you so," it's most unbecoming. To Jessi, who responded very favorably and kept me going. To Melissa, Michelle, Sara, and Kathy, who've all read it and didn't tell me I was totally insane. Thanks, gang! V. ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 13:04:55 -0500 (CDT) Date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 10:57:40 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (1/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/87 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 "Fear of Falling" by Victoria Morgan Hyde Based on "seaQuest DSV" and "seaQuest 2032". I suppose most of these people belong to them, even though they've been living in *my* head for the past couple of years. Sunday, April 24, 2022 Nathan Bridger was not a happy man. He never was when Section Seven's people were on his boat. The fact that they had a Montagnard prisoner with them made it that much worse. Oh, he couldn't really complain. They were on their way to exchange their prisoner for a Section Seven agent who'd been held by the Montagnards for six months. But...they were still Section Seven. *** Jim Brody was glad Lonnie Henderson was a competent shuttle pilot. Coming this close to the Montagnards, and with Section Seven's Lieutenant Commander Cameron Benson breathing over his shoulder, made him antsy enough. Benson was stereotypical Section Seven, from the high-and-tight haircut at the top of his husky six-foot-two frame to the shine on his shoes. The exchange, thank whichever gods you choose, went smoothly. Brody assisted in scanning the newly received Section Seven agent for the range of bugs, skip tracers and nanoexplosives. She certainly didn't _look_ like he'd expected. He'd heard she'd been in deep cover in the Montagnard Confederation for nearly two years. She'd been caught, through no fault of her own (*Yeah, right*, thought Brody), six months ago. Apparently she was important enough to trade for. He'd expected some tough Amazon who could outfight, outshoot and outcurse him. This woman was about as far from that image as he could get and still stay within the human race. How she'd met Section Seven's stringent physical requirements, he couldn't begin to guess. She couldn't have been over five-foot-four. She was thin to the point of fragility, and had what used to be known as a "prison pallor" to her skin, it was so white. Her hair was nondescript brown and fell past her shoulders. The woman--who looked more like a girl, though she was probably about 25--did have one quality that would be valuable to an intelligence agent. She wasn't beautiful. In fact, she was very, very average. Her nose was a little crooked, her chin a little too narrow. There was a scar along the side of her jaw. Then Brody looked into her eyes. They were a shade of blue he'd never seen before. Dark, and yet bright at the same time. Luminous. And the expression in them. He couldn't begin to describe the depths of those eyes. Brody jerked his attention back to his scan--negative. He looked at Benson and nodded. She didn't miss the exchange. Drawing herself up to her full height, she saluted Benson (her hand shook, Brody noted) and, with a smile that was a little higher on the left side of her mouth than the right, said, "Lieutenant Lise Benet reporting in, Sir. Sorry I'm late." *** Lise didn't need to be psychic to know what Brody thought of her. It was written all over his face. "Another so-called intelligence agent that got herself caught." He didn't know she'd spent six months teaching English and French in the exclusive school for the children of politicians and military bigwigs before she'd even been able to _start_ working with the resistance. He didn't know how much they'd accomplished in a year. He didn't know what it felt like to be betrayed. Well, he could just keep his snap judgements to himself. Section Seven might deserve its bad reputation sometimes, but Lise knew she didn't. The trip back to _seaQuest_ was unremarkable. Benson barely spoke to Benet, only telling her he had brought her uniform and some other clothing for her. She thanked him politely, then tipped her head back and closed her eyes. Three breaths later, she was asleep. *** Back aboard _seaQuest_, Brody was supposed to keep an eye on their unwelcome guests. So he hung around in MedBay while Doctor Smith examined Benet. Benson had wanted to actually be _in_ the room while Wendy examined the agent, but had been soundly put into his place. He had to settle for listening near the half-open door. Brody sat on the other side of the room, but both Smith's and Benet's voices carried in the silent room. Benet had a pleasant voice, low pitched and soft, with a trace of accent of some kind--French? She answered all the doctor's questions without hesitation, but didn't speak unless spoken to. Then the doctor said something that made Benson sit up straight in his chair. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to check you for any sign of sexually transmitted disease." Benet's answer was firm. "There's no need." It was the first time she'd refused anything that had been asked of her. "It's standard procedure for female prisoners, Lieutenant," said Wendy sternly. "Don't waste your time, Doctor. After I sent the first three guards who tried anything out of the cell singing soprano, the rest of them got the hint." In the exam room Lise was silent as the doctor looked searchingly into her eyes. Lise could feel Wendy probing her mind, and was able to convince her--mentally--that she was telling the truth. "Right," said the doctor. "Okay. Then we're done. Into the bed. I want you to rest while I run these blood samples through the computer." It sounded so good to Lise. A real bed, not a hard cot with a musty blanket. But there was something else she wanted even more. Lise spoke, her voice pleading, "Can I have a shower first? A _real_ shower, with water so hot you can barely breathe? A _long_ one." "Sure." Benson was on his feet when Wendy left the room. "Doctor, you didn't follow procedures--" She turned on him. "That girl's been beaten and worse. She's got three bruised ribs right now, and several scars on her back. Some of them look like they'd been infected. She's anemic and malnourished and she's been through hell. But she was telling me the truth. There was no need to put her through anything else." Benson was unperturbed by the doctor's lecture. "So when will you be able to do a full psychic scan?" Brody couldn't believe what he was saying. Didn't the guy even care about one of his own? Wendy looked Benson up and down slowly before she responded. "She's going to have twenty-four hours of rest. She's getting fluids and antibiotics intravenously tonight She's going to have three square meals. Then, if _I_ think she's up to it, and if _I_ think it's necessary, we'll talk about a psychic scan." "It's necessary, Doctor," was Benson's reply. "Why do you think _seaQuest_ was assigned this job? It's because you are here and because you have the equipment to let _me_ see what's in her head. I _have_ to know everything she might have said while she was a prisoner." And that was that. Lise overheard the exchange from the exam room, hating the feeling of being discussed as if she weren't even there. Not that there hadn't been plenty of that feeling in the last six months. At least they'd sent someone she knew to fetch her. She and Benson had worked together in the past, even seen each other socially. In fact, the mission before this one, they'd posed as husband and wife for two weeks. Of course, Cam had apparently wanted it to be more than pretense, but a few nights of sleeping on the sofa had cured him, Lise recalled. But of all the people she'd worked with, she was glad he was here now. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 10:18:59 -0500 (CDT) Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 08:12:04 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (2/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/100 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Monday, April 25, 2022 The next afternoon, Brody was eating lunch alone in the Crew's Mess. He was idly stirring sugar into his coffee when O'Neill sat down at his table. "Hey, Tim," Brody said. "What does 'Ne touche pas moi' mean?" O'Neill raised his eyebrows. "It means, 'Don't touch me.' You been making passes at French women now?" Brody favored O'Neill with a sour glance. "That Section Seven agent we brought in yesterday kept saying it in her sleep on the shuttle." "Oh." O'Neill thought about it for a minute. "She was a Montagnard prisoner? No wonder she was saying that." Brody smiled a little, still absent-mindedly stirring his coffee. "They roughed her up, but she held her own." It was O'Neill's turn to look sour. "She's Section Seven." "This one's not quite what you'd expect, Tim," Brody said, finally taking a sip of the coffee. He made a face. "Yuck. Too much sugar." "I'll get you another one," O'Neill offered. "I want some myself." He went over to the counter, but had to wait while the coffee machine finished a fresh batch, so he thought he'd check out what was for dessert. Turning, he bumped into a woman carrying an empty tray, knocking it to the ground. "Je suis desolee," she said, bending to retrieve it. "C'est entendu," he replied without thinking. She stood, smiling. "Was I speaking French again? I can't get used to English." He smiled too. "I didn't notice. Guess you were, though." God, she was--what? Not beautiful. But there was something about that slightly crooked smile, the shiny brown hair with a hint of red. And her eyes. He'd had dreams about eyes like those. Then he noticed her uniform. Section Seven. _This_ was the agent Jim was talking about? She stuck out a hand. "Hi. I'm Lise Benet." Remembering his manners, O'Neill responded. "Tim O'Neill." They shook hands. It seemed so commonplace. But when they touched...it was extraordinary. Oh sure, O'Neill had read about things like this happening to people. But he'd never in a million years thought it would ever happen to him. Uh-uh. Not with his track record. Lise, too was surprised at what she felt when their hands touched. She felt suddenly shaky, light-headed. Maybe she shouldn't have insisted on leaving MedBay so soon. Stunned, Tim tried to think of what to say next. Brody solved that problem for him, walking up behind him and tapping him on the shoulder. "Tim? Coffee, remember? Hello?" "Yeah, coffee," Tim said, still standing there, gazing into her eyes. She returned his stare. Brody tried again. "I see you've met Lieutenant Benet." Still no response. He tried once more. "I see the doctor let you out of MedBay, Lieutenant." She turned to answer him. Twenty-four hours had done a lot for her. She'd got a little color in her face. Her hair no longer hung dully, but was wavy and full. A _definite_ improvement, Brody thought. But what was odd was the way she and Tim looked at each other. Lise said something inconsequential. Benson entered the room and commandeered Benet, loading up her tray and steering her to a corner table away from everyone else. The moment was broken. Brody looked carefully at O'Neill, still standing stunned and unmoving. "Tim? What's wrong?" O'Neill shook his head, coming back to earth. "Nothing's wrong, Jim." "But you look like...." "Jim, I think I'm in love." Brody laughed. Trust O'Neill to be kidding around. *** Brody attended the psych scan. It didn't start off well. It wasn't that Benet was nervous, but Wendy just couldn't get through her mental blocks. "I haven't met many people with stronger mental walls than yours," Smith told Benet ruefully. "I'm sorry, Doctor. Force of habit, I guess." Benson was displeased. "Lise, you've got to relax and let her into your head. I have to see what happened to you there." This was too much, Lise decided. Benson had lost his easygoing nature somewhere in the past two years. "Look, Cam, I'm not trying to block her!" Lise burst out. "I've just been keeping people out for so long..." She trailed off unhappily. Apparently, _he'd_ never had to endure regular attempts at full psychic scans. Wendy tried to diffuse the situation. "Do you have anything you can focus on, anything that reminds you of happy times or a good memory?" "Everything I own is in my apartment back in New Cape Quest," Benet replied. "Except for what Commander Benson brought--my uniform, a little makeup and stuff, and some workout clothes." "And one more thing," Benson added. "I'll be right back." He left MedBay quickly, leaving Wendy, Lucas and Jim looking at each other while Lise fidgeted on the bed. He was only gone a few minutes before he returned carrying a stuffed animal. Of all the things he could have brought her, Lise thought, this was the best. She instantly forgave him for his previous remarks. "Tigger!" she burst out. "Cam, forget anything I ever said about you being insensitive!" Benson looked pleased with himself as he handed her the threadbare toy. She gripped it tightly as she explained to the others. "My favorite cousin always called me Tigger because I had too much energy. He gave me this when I entered the Academy." Wendy Smith saw her opening. "Concentrate on that memory," she said. "Let me see it." Clutching Tigger, Lise closed her eyes and concentrated on her oldest and favorite cousin, the one who'd always told her she could do whatever she wanted. Wendy smiled as she saw a man with a lieutenant's patch on his sleeve handing Lise a newer, brighter version of the toy. Lucas' console also picked up the image. He'd worked on the program since they'd tried it out with Brody's mother, and the picture was pretty clear. From that point, they were able to progress to the interrogations Benet had undergone during her time as a prisoner. There was only one problem--it was all in French, and Lucas' basic knowledge of the language wasn't enough. "How about Lieutenant O'Neill?" Brody asked. Lise found herself wanting to see the tongue-tied lieutenant who'd responded in kind when she unthinkingly spoke in French, and agreed to the idea. So they called O'Neill in. Benson made them start all over, going through Benet's memories again. O'Neill translated it all verbatim for them as they went, though, Brody noticed, he looked a little sick as he did so. Only Wendy knew the terror Lise had felt during those interrogations. That was something that couldn't be seen on Lucas' console. Her fright as they had loomed over her, their breath hot in her face, their hands harsh on her body. The others only saw and heard. Saw them hit Lise repetitively. Saw the time they brought a thin length of chain and flicked it at her, catching her in the jaw and several times across her back. They understood why Wendy cried out from the remembered pain, but they didn't feel it as she did. And it was only Wendy who cried out. Not once had Lise done so. And she refused to do so now. No matter what they did, no matter what threats or promises they made, Lise responded in the same way: "Benet, Elise Marie. Lieutenant, UEO Navy, 4675-381-99829." She said nothing more. The only time she said less was when they cut her off before she could finish. And only Wendy felt her intense relief when they left her alone for three months straight, when Lise's only contact with humanity was the food passed through an opening in the door each day. At last it was over. Suddenly, Lise felt a bit embarrassed at calling O'Neill away from whatever he'd been doing and forcing him to witness her memories. Especially when he seemed so troubled by what he'd seen. "I could have just translated it on playback," she said tiredly, her face drained of all color. Benson disagreed. "I had to get it from someone who wasn't actually involved," he said flatly. "You don't trust me?" she asked, hurt. "It's not that Lise, it's just that...dammit, you know the rules. _I_ know you wouldn't sell out, but the brass doesn't trust anyone." Yeah, she knew the rules, all right. And Lise knew she wasn't willing to play the game any more. "You're right, I wouldn't sell out," she retorted. "And I'm sick of all this 'trust nobody' crap. Nobody in Section Seven even trusts their own mother. I'm resigning when we get home." Benson looked shocked. "You? _Resign_?! You're the one who begged Section Seven to let you in, even though you didn't fit the profiles. The one with...how many commendations? You're too hooked on the adrenaline to quit." He paused, his manner turned conciliatory. "You're just still in shock from being caught. It happens. I'll bet by the time we get home you'll be demanding your next assignment." "Not this time, Cam. Not any more." She was trembling. Wendy shooed everyone--Benson included--out of MedBay. "Look, she's been through enough. And now you've made her relive it _twice_. She needs rest." Benson obviously wanted to protest, but in MedBay, Wendy was boss. He left. *** O'Neill didn't sleep that night. Well, not much. What little sleep he got was broken by unpleasant dreams. His subconscious had taken his own recent experience as Mariah's captive and jumbled it up with Lise's memories. He woke up sweating, yet chilled. Then to his surprise (or maybe not so surprising, really), he found himself heading for MedBay. The lights were low when he arrived there. Lise was asleep, her hair fanned across the pillow. She looked like a child, one hand curled next to her face. Tigger had fallen to the floor. Uncertain what to do now that he was here, Tim picked Tigger up and placed him beside Lise on the bed. He didn't make a sound, but her eyes flew open; she looked terrified. "Lise, it's only me, Tim," he said quickly, trying to reassure her. She blinked, pushed herself up to a sitting position in the bed. She had been having a nightmare, the guards were taunting her, pushing her, she'd been calling for help... "Tim?" she said, uncertain. "Is something wrong?" "No." He paused. "Yes." Paused again. "I'm not sure. I just...needed to talk to you." "What time is it?" "Three." "And you're still up." "Yes. Well, I slept, but nightmares woke me." She could certainly understand that, thought Lise wryly. But what would a nice guy like Tim O'Neill possibly be having nightmares about. Unless it was because of her. "From what you saw today?" "In part." "And the other part?" "I was a hostage a few weeks ago." *Oh God*, thought Lise. *Of all the people, to have made _him_ watch that psych scan.* "Merde...Tim, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to see that, that it brought bad memories back to you." "It made me ashamed." "Ashamed?" She shook her head. "I don't understand." "Look at you...you weigh what, well under fifty kilos? My mom would say that a stiff wind would blow you away. And look at what you stood up to. And I couldn't do that. I gave away the stealth codes and put this ship and all my friends in danger. It just about killed the captain." "But you're all here now. It came out okay." "Not through anything I did." "What did they do to you?" She pulled her knees up, wrapped her arms around them. Lise gave Tim her full attention as he pulled the chair over to the bed and sat. She was afraid he was upset at her for causing his nightmares, and found herself worrying that she had caused him pain. For his part, Tim couldn't believe he was telling her this, his most painful secret. Couldn't believe she was really interested. Yet he was drawn to her, couldn't leave, couldn't resist. He'd seen her pain today. Now he'd share his own. "It wasn't a they, it was a she. Mariah, the leader of the Dagger uprising. But maybe you don't know about that; you were under cover when it all happened." "No, I heard. Blown-up oxygen regenerators make the news, even in the Montagnard Confederation." "Oh. Well, she was working with some renegade scientist, Russ Ketcham. She kidnapped me and wanted to use me to get to _seaQuest_. And it worked." "I don't imagine she just asked nicely for those codes and you handed them right over." He smiled grimly. "Not quite. She zapped me with some sort of electrical current. It was like I could see and hear myself telling her, but I couldn't do anything about it." "Of course you couldn't." She said it so matter-of-factly, as if it were really true and he hadn't buckled under such slight pressure. Tim's disbelief registered plainly on his face. Lise recognized it, and realized this man didn't have the natural self-confidence of his friend Brody. Tim O'Neill was the kind who'd beat himself up over anything he thought he'd done wrong. Lise took his hand. *How could she not feel what I feel when she touches me,* he wondered. *How can it only be me?* Lise looked directly in to Tim's eyes, speaking with great conviction, knowing only that it had become very important to her to reassure him. *How could she look into my eyes and not see what I feel for her and how much stronger it gets the more we're together?* "One of the advantages to being in Section Seven, Tim, is that you know about all the current technology and any application it might have for...acquiring information. I read about that one before I left on this mission. It's nasty. It temporarily...short circuits...the centers of the brain that are responsible for what we call conscience. I thank God the Montagnards didn't have it." Lise fell silent, then blushed suddenly and dropped her eyes. And his hand. She still couldn't talk about what they'd done to her, though she knew without question she could trust O'Neill. She wasn't sure how or why, but she was certain of it. The silence grew; Tim broke it. "How did you do it?" "Do what?" "Stand up to what they did to you. Stick to the name-rank-serial number line. Some kind of special Section Seven training?" She laughed. "Mon dieu, no. I don't think any one of us--Section Seven or whatever--handles these things the same way. I simply kept thinking about all those people who would be hurt if I told." "But they might have killed you." "Then my secrets would still have been safe wouldn't they? My information is far more important than that. They couldn't have taken the chance of killing their one source of names." Tim shook his head. She made it seem so simple, when he knew it wasn't. Again, she picked up on his thoughts. "And if that wasn't enough, I just went home." She smiled. He probably wouldn't understand, but maybe... "Home?" "Certainement. I just took my mind away from what was happening to my body and went home." He began to understand. And he wanted to know more about her. So he had to ask. "France?" "No, Canada." She couldn't be teasing him could she? She was smiling, and had a glint in her eye, as if she was enjoying his confusion. (Which, actually, she was.) And she waited infuriatingly until Tim was forced to ask. "But you speak perfect French, and your name...." Lise laughed. "You haven't heard the whole of it: Elise Marie Jeanne Therese Gisele." She smiled at his obvious bewilderment, then explained. "Mon pere was a Quebecois who lobbied against the push for independence. He finally got tired of the fight and moved to Ontario. He met my mother, the youngest child and only daughter of a big farming family, and settled down. I grew up on the farm with a horde of cousins, all boys. It's the most beautiful place on earth. When the guards would hit me, I would just go there, and it didn't hurt anymore." Tim shook his head. "I don't understand how you could do that." "Don't you ever picture yourself back home with your family?" He grimaced. "I joined the Navy to get away from them. I don't _want_ to be back with them. I'm a disappointment to them. And they remind me of that every time they see me." Lise was surprised at this. Somehow, she'd imagined he'd have a big, close-knit family. But his loneliness would account for his lack of confidence in himself. Still, she thought, he must have somewhere peaceful, someone to talk to. "Is there nowhere you feel at peace? Everyone has a place that they can go..." "I don't know. I guess, when I go down to the moonpool and talk to Darwin, that's the closest I've come." *Until now,* he thought, *sitting here with you. I would choose this. But how can I say that to a woman I haven't even known for twenty-four hours?* They fell silent again. Lise yawned. Tim realized how fragile she looked. And suddenly noticed the IV line in her arm. That psych scan must have taken more out of her than anyone but Wendy had realized. "God, I'm sorry, Lise. It's the middle of the night, and you're still recovering and I came barging in here..." "Don't apologize, Tim. C'est la vie. I needed to talk, and Cam Benson wouldn't have understood." "But I woke you up." "I've done plenty of sleeping in the past few months. An hour more or less now won't make a difference." Nobody had taken time to just talk with him for so long. Tim couldn't believe she really meant it. Nobody could be this nice. "You don't have to say that if you don't mean it." Lise looked at him sharply. "But I _do_ mean it. Tim, you at least can understand how I felt, being caught and imprisoned. We have that in common. You're probably the only person on this boat I can say these things to." She really was glad he'd come. She'd needed a friend, and it was such a relief to find someone she could trust the way she knew she could trust Tim. *But why?* Lise cautioned herself. *I only met him yesterday. I have to be careful. Trusting people too much is what got me into trouble in the first place. Yet I know I can trust _him_.* Tim rose halfway, stopped, shook his head, sat back down. "I still don't understand how you could face the possibility of death that easily." *Could he know what he's asking me?* Lise thought. It was a very personal thing, something she considered to be the foundation of who she was. Could she tell him this? Lise gave Tim a long look, trying to make up her mind. She started to speak, paused, finally appeared to decide. "Tim, do you believe in God?" "I'm Catholic." "That doesn't answer my question. Religion has very little to do with God." "Well...yes. I guess I do. I've seen enough out here that defies any other explanation." "Good. Because I do too. And ever since I was little, I've known there's something God has in store for me, some way I'm going to make a difference. And I don't think I've done it yet. So I wasn't afraid to die, because I still have work to do." Lise paused, looked at him nervously. "Did that make any sense at all?" "I...I think so. You mean that you...you knew they wouldn't kill you?" She laughed lightly. "It would've been nice to have it in writing, but oui, that's what I mean." She yawned again, started to apologize. Tim wouldn't let her. "You'd better go to sleep now. We've got a couple of days until we reach New Cape Quest. Maybe we can talk some more, when I'm not on duty." It was more question than statement. Would she even want to talk more? Lise was glad he'd said it. She'd been worried there for a moment, wondering if she'd said too much, afraid she might scare him away. "Of course we will. But..." Fear crossed her face quickly. "What's wrong?" Lise knew Tim would think she was an idiot, but she couldn't bear the thought of falling asleep alone. "Could you...if you don't mind...I hate to ask, you're probably on duty in a few hours..." "Just ask. I can always say no." *As if I could deny her anything,* Tim thought. Swallowing hard, Lise spoke quickly, embarrassed. "Would you just stay until I'm asleep? I'm only frightened in that time in between asleep and awake, when I hear them talking about me, feel them standing over me..." She trailed off, looking down at her hands. Tim, too, swallowed hard, touched by her request. He could only nod. Without speaking, Lise lay down again, burrowing into the pillow, holding Tigger close to her chest. Tim listened as her breathing slowed, watched her face as she passed into the safety of sleep. Her mouth curved upward in her sleep as she dreamed. It suddenly seemed such an intimate thing, sitting beside her and watching her sleep. Especially after the way they had sat together in the near-dark and talked as they had. I wonder if she'll ever dream of me, Tim thought as, slowly, carefully, he brushed a stray lock of hair from her cheek. Lise slept on as he turned and went back to his quarters. He didn't sleep until it was nearly time to get up for duty. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 10:53:29 -0500 (CDT) Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 08:48:03 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (3/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/107 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Tuesday, April 26, 2022 When he went off-shift that day, Jim Brody had plenty of frustration to work off. It had been that sort of day when absolutely nothing went right. O'Neill had been yawning at his console all day. Ford was uptight over something. Piccolo didn't seem to be able to lay off the wisecracks for a minute. Jim decided to go lift some weights and get rid of the tension. When he arrived at the weight room, though, Brody found tension was there ahead of him. He heard the raised voices before he entered the room and paused in the passageway, eavesdropping unashamedly. "But Lise, why not? I've missed the hell out of you this past couple of years." It was Benson speaking. "Cam, I wasn't interested in moving in with you before. What on earth makes you think I've changed my mind?" "You mean you haven't missed me at all? I'm hurt." *What a jerk*, thought Brody. *He's really playing this one for all it's worth.* Lise obviously wasn't any more impressed than Brody was. "I see you haven't changed at all. Why do you find it so hard to believe I don't want to live with anyone?" "I thought we had something special going, Lise. Before you left..." "Before I left we went out a few times. You thought that gave you the right to sleep with me." "Don't be so cold, Lise. We'd be damn fine together, you know we would." Silence, a gasp from Lise, then the sound of a slap rang out through the room. Benson spoke angrily. "You just struck a superior officer." "Who was making unwelcome advances," Lise finished for him, with anger to match. "Working together doesn't mean we have to be lovers, Cam. The sooner you'll accept that, the happier we'll both be." "I guess what they say about you must be true," Benson said bitterly. "They say a lot of things about me, Cam," came Benet's weary response. "I've heard most of them. Very few of them are true." "They say you've never been with a man." The way he spat the words out, it was obvious he meant them to hurt. Benet's response surprised both Brody and Benson. She laughed. "Well, that one _is_ true." "So, you like women better?" Brody heard sounds of a struggle. He considered looking in, but stopped as he heard Lise speak. "Let go of my arm." "You were going to slap me again, weren't you?" Benson asked angrily. "You deserve it," she retorted. "I won't let go until you answer my question. _Do_ you like women better?" Lise sighed. "That would make it easier for you to understand why I'm not attracted to you, wouldn't it? Well, the answer's no. I just happen to be very old-fashioned about some things. Sex is one of them." Benson snorted. "You don't know what you're missing." "Obviously. Now, if you don't mind, I came in here to work out, not to discuss the birds and the bees." The room grew silent. Brody decided it would be safe to enter, and did so, running into an exiting Benson as he did. Benson's cheek was still pink from where Lise had slapped him. Benson gave Brody a hard look, then spoke, meaning to be overheard by Benet. "Careful, Lieutenant. Don't get anywhere near that one or you'll regret it." Jim didn't bother to reply as he walked over to the weight machine. He began his workout in silence, stealing glances at Lise as she went through hers. She wore tanktop and shorts, her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail. The black cord of her dogtags around her neck showed just how pale she really was; her collarbones stood out sharply beneath it. Lise moved over to the benchpress, set the weight, and lay down to begin. She tried to lift her weight, and couldn't. Set her jaw and tried again. It barely budged. Even with the pain from the bruised ribs, she thought, she should be able to lift far more than this. "Dammit, Lise, get a grip," Lise muttered to herself. "This is supposed to be easy." Brody couldn't help but interrupt her. "Maybe it was before you spent six months lying on a prison bed with very little to eat. Besides, I thought you had some bruised ribs. Why don't you just take it easy, Lieutenant?" She sat up on the bench. "Think so, huh?" Jim nodded. "Absolutely." Walking to a chair nearby and picking up a t-shirt, Lise stopped for a moment, her back to Brody. *Maybe he's right,* she thought. *I sure am tired, considering how little I've done.* She began rubbing at the back of her neck where the muscles were beginning to tighten up. "Guess that would explain why so little exercise has me tied in knots then, too." Without giving it a second thought, Jim stepped up behind Lise and put a hand on her neck, to begin helping with those knots. The next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor, her knee on his chest and her hand poised at his throat. The blue of her eyes had changed to gray, and the depths had been replaced by a frightening blankness. She trembled. "I'd rather not die today, Lieutenant," Brody said to her, softly. Lise blinked. The expression and the color returned to her eyes as she switched her position to help him up, her face red with embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, Mister Brody; I can't believe I did that, it's just..." She trailed off miserably. "It's Jim," he said, rubbing the back of his head where it had hit the deck. "And I should have known better than to sneak up on someone who was a prisoner only a few days ago." "Still," Lise replied, "I shouldn't fall apart like that." Quite frankly, she was shocked and a little frightened about what she'd done. Especially since Brody was just trying to be nice. "And I still think you're being too hard on yourself. Now sit down and let me help you get rid of those knots." Jim pulled the chair over and sat her down on it, facing the back so she could lean on it. Docilely, Lise did so. Jim Brody had rubbed many a woman's back before and soon had this one sighing with contentment. "You're very good at this, Jim. If you ever quit the Navy, I think I know what you could do for a living." "But I don't plan on quitting the Navy. Think they'd let me moonlight a little? "The Navy is your life, huh?" Lise asked. "And I suppose you've got a girl in every port, too?" She was hitting a little close to home there. Brody stopped, embarrassed. Lise swiveled on the chair and looked at him. "Sorry. Didn't mean to pry. We're trained to be nosy; sometimes these things just pop out, even in polite company." Lise turned back around and rested her head on her arms as Brody worked on her back some more. He was _really_ good, and she reveled in the sensation of the muscles relaxing under his hands. "Penny," said Brody. "Pardonnez moi?" "For your thoughts." "Oh. I was just thinking I hadn't realized how important that good old-fashioned human touch is." "How do you mean?" "I haven't exactly been treated kindly the past couple of years. And Doctor Smith wasn't _un_kind yesterday, but you...it just feels good to have contact with no strings attached." Brody laughed, and decided to confess. "I heard what went on between you and Benson before I came in." *Oh great*, thought Lise, sighing. For Benson's sake, she tried to defend him. "We dated a few times before I left. He's not a bad guy, really. But I've changed a lot in two years and Cam, apparently, hasn't. At least, not in that department." She stopped, thinking it over, then spoke again. "Maybe I've changed too much." "You act like there's no chance things'll ever be the same again." "I'm just facing my own mortality. I came pretty close to being killed. But I'm here; I'm alive and I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. And I can't believe I'm saying this. You really have relaxed me!" *What's wrong with me?* Lise worried. *I'm suddenly telling my secrets to anyone who'll listen. Have I cracked up that much?* "You need to talk about it." "Needing to doesn't make it any easier." She thought about it. She'd taken a peek at Brody's service jacket earlier that day; he'd been pretty nice to her, apart from that initial meeting, and she always wanted to know about people she liked. More importantly, she was trying to figure out where she fit in a world that had gone on without her for a couple of years. "What about you? I, um, got the impression there's no one serious in your life. Don't you ever feel time breathing down your neck?" "I keep forgetting you're in intelligence. Is there anything you _don't_ want to know?" She laughed. "Not much. But don't change the subject. And can you get that spot right between my left shoulder and my backbone again? Ahhh, that's it." "You only love me for my magic hands." "You're still evading the question." "Are all you intelligence types so single-minded?" *Honesty's going to be the best policy here,* Lise told herself. "Yes. But I really want to know, for _me_, not for Lieutenant Benet of Section Seven. I _could_ accidentally come across your psych profiles. But I like you, Jim Brody, and I'd far rather ask you to your face." "Okay." He stopped rubbing her back, handing Lise her T-shirt as he sat down beside her. She was damn hard to resist and he found himself enjoying talking with her. Actually, he didn't feel like she was being nosy at all. He was pretty sure Lise really did care about how he felt. "Yes, I'm the settling down kind, in my heart. But I don't know what kind of woman to settle down with. It isn't time that worries me so much as the feeling I'm missing out on something. There's someone out there that's everything I need, if I only could figure out _what_ I need." Lise was silent for a moment. Then, softly, "Thanks, Jim." "Just call on my magic hands anytime." "No. I mean, yeah, thanks for unknotting me. But I meant thanks for reminding me I'm not the only person on this planet who's trying to find some answers." *** O'Neill was eating dinner alone when Brody came and plunked his tray on the table beside him. Brody then proceeded to tell Tim all about what had happened in the weight room. He left nothing out, including the fact that a very delicate-seeming young woman had him flat on his back in about a second. And the fact that Brody obviously...admired...Lise was coming through loud and clear, giving Tim that flat,dull feeling in the pit of his stomach. It seemed to be another cosmic irony that he had loved this woman on first sight, and Jim Brody, consummate ladies' man, was interested in her, too. And when Lise came in to dinner and joined them, Tim saw the way she smiled at Jim. It didn't seem any different from the way she treated _him_, but how could he be sure? *Good*, thought Lise, *Tim's here. I was hoping he would be. I wasn't sure how I'd find him, otherwise. I'm not sure why, but I feel better when he's around.* "So where's your shadow?" Jim asked Lise. She smiled. "You mean Cam?" She nodded her head toward the corner. "Talking to...I think her name's Henderson?" Not that she wasn't relieved to be rid of him, but Lise had met Lonnie earlier and knew Cam didn't stand a chance. Lonnie was too nice for Cam. Before she could say any more, Piccolo, Ortiz and Lucas joined them noisily. "So _you're_ the famous Section Seven agent we rescued?" Piccolo asked Lise skeptically. "Course she is, Tony," said Lucas. "Can't you tell from her uniform?" O'Neill thought it might be wise to make introductions right about now, and proceeded to do so. "Are you always on duty, or what..." Tony paused to swallow, "...Lieutenant?" Lise was puzzled for a moment, the realized that several of the people in the Crew's Mess were in off-duty attire. "I'm afraid this and my workout gear's all I've got." Ortiz asked, "They really do make you travel light, don't they?" "Well, when I'm...on assignment, I don't generally go in uniform. And Mister Benson didn't seem to think I'd need anything else while we're on _seaQuest_." She sighed. "I'm lucky I got this much. Is it only Cam, or do guys just not have a clue?" For that remark, she got a tableful of offended-looking guys. She had to laugh at their faces. "Okay, okay, I'm not male bashing. But he packed makeup for me: blush but no base; eyeshadow, but no liner or mascara. No lipstick. Fifteen pairs of socks and only two changes of clothes. You tell me." "Dry socks _are_ one of the most important things in life," Ortiz quipped. *** They took the conversation to the Rec Room when they'd finished eating. Brody was trying hard to figure out what it was about Lise that made all five men want to hang around after dinner. She was definitely a pleasure to talk to. Intelligent, witty, but also interested in what they had to say. Was it intelligence training, or was it really genuine, he wondered, that she took such an interest in everyone? It seemed as if they talked about everything under the sun--or the sea--that evening. Books, politics (she was a little behind there), art, football (further behind, but very opinionated), and music. They'd turned it to what music was best for setting a romantic mood. Opinions were pretty varied. Ortiz held out for some '90s guy without a last name, Kenny G. Piccolo, of all people, swore that he'd heard of this classical piece, "Bolero," that was supposed to be pretty effective. Then Tim and Lise spoke at the same time: "Duke Ellington's 'Prelude to a Kiss.'" "It's the most romantic music I've ever heard," said Tim. "It's full of longing, and passion...it's perfect," said Lise. And found herself wishing for a quiet room, and candlelight, and that song. Neither one of them had much to say after that. Brody thought it rather funny -- imagine, O'Neill had actually found someone who liked the same kind of music he did. He sure did get tongue-tied easily, though. Jim made a mental note to give Tim some friendly advice about women some time. *** For the second night in a row, O'Neill had trouble sleeping. He was too worried about Brody's interest in Lise Benet. Kept thinking about Brody massaging Lise's back, kept wondering how that fragile body would feel beneath his own hands. Damn! Tim liked Brody, they were friends, and he sure as hell didn't want to be competing with Jim over a woman. Not, Tim thought wryly, that he'd be much competition. Still, it was tearing him up. He thought maybe he'd go talk to Lise again, but felt awkward now that she was out of MedBay and in her own quarters. Tim was puzzling over what to do when he suddenly got the idea he should go talk to Darwin. Had he been human, Darwin could've made a fortune as a psychiatrist. There was no doubt in Tim's mind that Darwin would be in the moonpool. They'd had an affinity almost from the beginning, when Darwin was sick. Darwin had never spoken into Tim's mind again, but Tim had always known where to find the dolphin. Sure enough, when O'Neill arrived on Seadeck, Darwin was there. And so was Lise. She didn't even turn when he came through the doorway. "Hi, Tim. Darwin told me you were coming. I guess I'm not the only one who can't sleep." *And that's an understatement,* she thought. *Why am I thinking about him so much? It's crazy. I've known him two days. It's too fast, I don't understand it. I must still be...unbalanced...from what's happened. I've got to stop thinking about him. But I'm too glad he's here.* "What's wrong?" Tim asked Lise, concerned. She dissembled, only telling him part of the problem. "I don't know, really. First night out of MedBay, private quarters at last, you'd think I'd be ecstatic." "I felt the same way when I got back," Tim replied, sitting down beside her. "So it's not just me being weird?" The relief on her face was obvious. O'Neill shook his head. "Nope." They sat together in silence, petting Darwin, who didn't seem to have much to say either. Lise broke the silence at last. "Does it go away?" "Does what go away?" asked Tim, puzzled. "The feeling of being out of place. Of not fitting in with anyone you knew." O'Neill thought about it. "Well, I expect it was easier for me. This is my home. You're still in transition; you won't be home for a couple more days." She grimaced. "If you can call it home. It's just a one-bedroom apartment. I don't even have any houseplants; I'm gone too much. And I've been away from the family and farm for too long now; it doesn't really feel like home either." "Maybe once you leave Section Seven you can put down some roots." Thinking about it, Lise smiled. "First thing I'm going to do is get a cat." He laughed. "Not a Siamese, I hope. My mom had Siamese. Obnoxious animals." "No. I think I'll go to the shelter and rescue one that needs a home." That didn't surprise Tim one bit. Darwin spoke up. "Darwin hungry. Tim and Lise together, not need Darwin now. Darwin hunt." With that remark, the dolphin flipped his tail at them and was gone. "I guess we just weren't entertaining enough," O'Neill told Lise with a grin. "But I'm glad I finally got to meet him," Lise added. "This whole trip back to New Cape Quest has been amazing." "Amazing? Why?" "Would you believe that after five years in the UEO Navy, this is my first submarine trip?" Amazed himself, Tim shook his head. "Section Seven agents don't get to do this very often," Lise explained. "We tend to take helicopters, or slip across borders on foot. Getting in undetected is a bit more difficult when you need an airlock to do it." Tim laughed. "I see your point." "What's really crazy," Lise went on, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, "is that I joined the Navy for two reasons. One was because of my oldest cousin. The other's because I've always been drawn to the sea. We used to vacation on Prince Edward Island, and I loved to just sit on the beach for hours and watch the waves, and listen to their sounds. I always feel so at peace there. But here, under the water, all I feel is how vast it all is. It makes me feel like a very small part of things. I'm not sure I like it down here. It's lonely." "But you've got people all around you." She put her head down on her knees. She could feel the tears coming and was trying hard to hold them back. *Great,* she thought, *I've just dumped all my troubles at Tim's feet. He's going to think I'm some kind of basket case and start looking for the exit. And he's the one I feel the most at ease with. Damn.* But he didn't leave. She felt him take her hand instead. "I'm sorry again. I don't know why I'm doing this," she said into her knees. "I do. You've been so busy showing everyone how strong you are that you've forgotten it's okay to be unhappy. When was the last time you really let yourself be mad at the whole situation?" Lise looked up at Tim. "I have no idea." "See? I've already seen you cry, so you might as well go ahead and finish. Stop fighting it." He was being so nice to her. And that's what did her in. She could take abuse, but she never could handle it when people were nice to her. The tears spilled over as he held out an arm. Unable to believe he was doing it, he held her close and let her cry. *** Reading in her quarters, Wendy Smith smiled. O'Neill might not care to admit to any psychic aptitude, and his abilities might not be as strong as Tony's newfound skill, but his emotions right now were reaching her just fine. Wendy's recent contacts with Benet's mind left her attuned to Lise's emotions as well. And there was a strong affinity between these two people. A very strong bond, indeed. *** Lise didn't cry for long, but when she had finished, she didn't move. She liked the way she felt there, with her head on his shoulder, and she didn't want it to end. But it was late, and he had to work in the morning. It wasn't fair to him for her to stay. "I'm sorry," Lise said in a small voice. "I made your shirt all wet." "It'll dry. Quit apologizing and admit that you feel better now." She sat up, smiled. "I feel better now. I probably look rotten, but I feel better." He was pleased that she cared how she looked to him. "You're fine. But you're shivering." "Am I? Oh." Tim looked into her eyes. They were red from crying, but also tired. And no wonder, he thought, checking his watch. It was nearly two. And he knew for a fact she'd been up late the night before. "C'mon. You need to rest," he told Lise. "Let's get you back to your quarters." He didn't let go of her hand until they were there. She started to thank him, and to apologize again. He wouldn't let her. "Don't say it. But next time you need your hand held, call me." With that, he turned and left. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997 11:17:56 -0500 (CDT) Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997 09:11:35 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (4/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/120 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 Wednesday, April 27, 2032 Brody noticed Lise yawning over her breakfast the next morning. "You doing all right, Lieutenant?" he asked. "Thanks, Jim. I'm all right. Just haven't been sleeping well, is all." It was nice of him to ask, she thought, glad they'd overcome their poor first impressions of each other. "Can't blame you there. Anyone who's been through the past few months you've had is bound to have a few nightmares. But look, we'll have you back at headquarters this time tomorrow. And till then, well, we'll look after you." "I know. Thanks. It just seems like it's all suddenly catching up to me." She sighed. "While it was happening, I could...take myself away, pretend I wasn't really there. But today I have to write my report, and I'm not exactly looking forward to the debriefing tomorrow, either." Brody's expression hardened. "They're doing a full debriefing this soon?" Nodding, Lise said, "It's SOP. Before I can forget any details." "But they've got the recordings of the scan Doctor Smith did on you..." "Yeah, but now they want my full commentary and interpretations. Plus a report of everything leading up to my arrest." She paused, really taking in the look on his face. "It's okay, Jim. I'm used to it." He shook his head. "I guess, after seeing what those bastards did to you, I'm taking it a little personally." "I'm touched." "No, that was yesterday..." "Very funny." Brody paused. This woman was definitely a challenge. And he did love a challenge. "Seriously, though, I want to see more of you." She shrugged. "I'm not hard to find." *He couldn't mean that the way it sounded, could he? *Lise wondered. *He _was_ just being friendly, right?* *** Benson had Benet holed up in the Wardroom all day, composing and then going over her report. They only broke long enough to eat, but Benson wouldn't let Lise go to the Crew's Mess. He took her lunch in the Wardroom. "I don't want her distracted right now," he said when Jim asked. By the time Benson was satisfied with her report, and had asked O'Neill to transmit it to HQ, it was dinner time. And it was Benson who was in a rush to get to the Crew's Mess. He was determined to eat dinner with Lonnie Henderson again. Which was fine with Brody, who gallantly rescued Lise from eating alone. Amazingly, they remained alone throughout their meal. To Jim's surprise, Lise asked after O'Neill. She hadn't seen him all day. Brody shrugged. "I'm not sure _what_ he's up to. He downloaded a bunch of reports for the captain, then disappeared in a hell of a hurry as soon as his shift was over. He'll probably turn up later." "Oh," was all Lise said. *Nice of her to ask after Tim,* thought Brody. "By the way," Brody went on. "Has Benson let you off the leash enough for anyone to give you a tour of this boat yet?" Lise laughed at his phrasing. "Nope." "Then how about 2100 tonight? I've got some loose ends to take care of and some packing to do, but I'd love to show you around." She raised an eyebrow. "Packing?" "I'm staying in New Cape Quest for ten days or so. There's a special weapons and tactics training the captain wants me to take. Maybe we can have dinner one night while I'm there?" "Ummm, okay," Lise replied hesitantly. Then she smiled. "Anywhere but my place. I'm a rotten cook." "What, there's something you're _not_ good at?" Brody teased. "Just don't ever ask me to sing, or you'll find out the hard way," was Lise's reply. "But anyway, about tonight..." Not sure why, Brody discovered that her answer was very important to him. The more time he spent with Lise Benet, the more she got under his skin. *Odd,* Jim thought,* because she's really not my type.* The man had a lot of charm, Lise had to admit. And she really did want to learn more about the UEO's flagship. Heaven only knew when she'd be riding on it again. "Sure," she said. "I'd like that." *** Lise had obviously been doing some catching up in the past couple of days, Brody realized as they walked the corridors of _seaQuest_ and talked. She asked a lot of pertinent questions about their past missions. She really had a sharp mind and a way of getting to the heart of the problem. She was extremely interested in his time at the GELF colony and his views on the new status of GELFs as citizens. And about Mariah's escape from prison and her disappearance after the incident with O'Neill. In light of Lise's own experience as a prisoner, Jim thought it was very sweet of her to be concerned about O'Neill's capture. Lise found herself enjoying the walk with Brody. He had a great deal of charisma, and a way of telling her about his adventures that was both amusing and interesting. But there was a nagging sensation in the back of her mind that wouldn't go away. She hadn't seen O'Neill all day, and she was beginning to really worry. The last stop on Brody's tour was the moon pool. Darwin wasn't there, but the soft lights and gently lapping water were a pleasant counterpoint to the conversation. Jim was filling Lise in on the investigation on the whereabouts of Russ Ketcham and Mariah. "Frankly, we're coming up with nothing useful," he said. "But O'Neill's sure putting his all into it." But that was enough talk about work, Jim decided. Time to talk about something else. "I see your Mister Benson has been pursuing Lonnie Henderson. Smiling, Lise replied, "I was talking with Lonnie after dinner. We share the same opinion of Cam Benson." Brody had to laugh. "Poor guy." "I'm afraid I'm not very sorry for him. His attitude reminds me of some of the guards back..." She left off, not wanting to talk about it any more. "Lise," Jim said, suddenly serious. "How are you _really_?" She looked at him, mute. Jim said, "You're acting like everything's okay, but I don't think it really is." "I guess it isn't, not yet. I'm...feeling things I've never felt before." *That's an understatement,* Lise told herself. *And I'm not sure any more that it's because of being imprisoned.* She tried to shake off the idea, not yet ready to acknowledge it. "But maybe if I keep acting like I'm okay, I _will_ be okay." Sighing, Jim shook his head. "How'd you get so tough?" "I'm Section Seven. It comes with the job." "You don't have to be tough all the time, though." "Sometimes it seems I do. I haven't had a lot of time off lately." "What about right now?" "Why?" "Because I'm contemplating kissing you." And he did just that. After kissing her once he looked into her eyes and, liking the soft expression there, and the slight tremble in her lips, kissed her again. Quite honestly, Lise found it very pleasant being kissed by Jim Brody. But he was a little too practiced, a little too smooth at it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be just another in a long line of women he'd known. *I can't believe this is happening to me,* Lise thought. *This isn't what I want. But how do I say that without hurting his feelings?* After, she said, "Jim, can I ask you a serious question?" "Shoot." "You've got a reputation for being the local ladies' man. Was that just for another check mark in your success column?" Once again, she'd hit close to home. But, with that blue gaze fixed upon him, Jim had to answer. "That's a fair question. I'll give you a serious answer. I like women. I like kissing women. I also know you're different from most. I really enjoy being with you. You're smart, funny, and a hell of an officer--I even like talking business with you. So I guess I'd have to say I'm just trying to get to know you better. Is that okay?" Well, at least he was being honest about it. Lise could live with what he said. "Mmm," she said. "I like being with you, too. You're a nice guy. But Jim, I'm so full of different feelings right now, I hardly know which way is up. I don't think I'm ready for this." And Jim had to accept that answer. Which really wasn't so bad. Lise was obviously exhausted by her day's work. Jim walked her back to her quarters. He did kiss her again before he left, but on the cheek. *** Sitting alone in a corner of the empty Crew's Mess, Tim O'Neill was miserable. One of those reports he'd downloaded for the captain had shaken him, badly. He felt responsible for what had happened. And he was worried that Lise would hear about it too. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her good opinion. All he could think about was what he could have done differently, to prevent what had happened. *** One o'clock, and despite her fatigue, Lise couldn't sleep. She just couldn't stop worrying about Tim. And she was still feeling unsettled about what had happened with Brody. *Why'd I let him kiss me like that?* She needed a glass of milk to calm her, Lise decided. In the Crew's Mess, Lise thought she was alone, but as she turned from the counter, she spotted Tim sitting in the corner. "Where've you been all evening?" Lise asked as she sat down opposite Tim. "Nowhere." He didn't even smile; he just sat, staring at the SEAPOC before him. "What's up?" Lise asked as she picked it up. "It's nothing important," he responded, taking it back out of her hands. "Tim, this isn't like you. You're not Section Seven material; you're no good as a liar. You're obviously upset. Either talk to me or I'll go download a copy myself and find out. You might as well save UEO a few bucks by telling me now." "You're not going to leave me alone, are you?" "You wouldn't if the tables were turned." He was still looking down, fidgeting with the SEAPOC. Sighed. "All right. You know I was kidnapped a few weeks ago. Well, I wanted to resign my commission. I felt like I was going nowhere, and I just wanted to start from scratch. The captain sent me on unassigned leave instead. I managed to get myself kidnapped by Mariah and gave her the stealth codes for _seaQuest_. She attacked the boat. Instead of blowing her out of the water, Commander Ford let her go in exchange for getting me back." "Yes, I know." He looked up at her, surprised. "You know?" "I read the reports yesterday." She paused, explained. "I have level eight clearance." "Oh." "But all that is history. What's in _this_ report that has you acting this way?" He looked down at the report again. "Mariah and her boss, Russell Ketcham, just wiped out an entire colony off the Australian coast. There were fifty people, including a dozen kids." "That's terrible! How do we know it was them?" "They aren't able to do anything anonymously; they like to gloat. UEO got a transmission from them saying the colony was hampering their recovery of some prehistoric bugs he thinks fuel cold fusion. So they obliterated those people." "Have we got any new leads on where their base is?" "Not a clue. But Lise, it's my fault it happened." "What?!" "If I hadn't decided to quit, or if I'd recognized Mariah sooner, or if I hadn't given her those codes, or if Ford had just written me off, none of this would have happened." He still wouldn't look at her. He was sure she'd agree with him. "Look at me." It was as Tim had feared; Lise was upset with him. But her words, her voice, told him he was wrong. She spoke gently, sincerely. "You are responsible for _your_ actions. The actions of other people are their own choices. Mariah and Russell Ketcham chose to blow up those colonists. I told you, what Mariah did to you virtually short-circuited your brain. You didn't really even know you were giving her the codes." His voice was tight and strained as Tim fought with his anger and frustration over the incident. "But Ford shouldn't have negotiated; he should have..." He stopped. He was losing the battle with his emotions, and felt his eyes filling with tears over the futility of the whole thing. He'd lost enough; he was afraid he was going to lose Lise too. Though she wasn't even his to lose. Lise saw how upset he was. Heaven only knew how she'd battled her own guilt over her capture and the fear she'd betray someone as a result. She knew how hard it must be for him. Gently, she wiped a tear off Tim's cheek with a forefinger. Then she took the SEAPOC from him and held his hands tightly. Holding his hands like that, and seeing the pain in his eyes, Lise was suddenly struck by just how much she cared for Tim O'Neill. And she finally acknowledged the fact she'd been dodging since they'd met just a few short days ago. She was in love with him. How it had happened, she wasn't sure, but the time they'd spent together had cemented a bond that had existed between them from the moment they met. The feeling was overwhelming, and a little scary, but now that she was being honest with herself, she'd have to be honest with Tim, too. She had to find out if he felt it, too, or if it was only her. Tim watched as Lise took a long breath, obviously struggling with something. She fastened her gaze upon Tim, he was drowning in her eyes, his feelings for her stronger than he'd believed possible. "Tim,"she asked him softly, "did you ever think there might be a good reason why Ford went against procedure?" "How do you mean?" "Maybe he saved your life then so you'd be here, now, for me. You've been the only one I could truly talk to ever since I got here. You, Tim O'Neill. You're the one who's held my hand, and listened to me, and sat by my side in the night. Not Cam Benson. Not Jim Brody or Doctor Smith. You, my..." She paused, couldn't quite bring herself to say what she really meant, to reveal her feelings when she was unsure of his, "... my friend." Tim didn't know what to say. They sat that way, holding hands across the table, just looking at each other. He was admiring the way the blue of Lise's uniform made her eyes seem almost violet. And he knew, as he sat holding her hands in his, that there was something more than friendship there between them. She'd come just when he needed her, and brought him out of his black mood. They needed each other. And he wasn't going to hide what he felt for her any more. Before Tim could speak, he heard a voice behind him. "Shouldn't you be in bed, Lieutenant?" It was Benson. And Benson didn't give Lise a chance to respond. "You've got a big day tomorrow, Lise. I want you to get some sleep." Lise looked upset, ready to protest, but Benson cut in. "That's an order." And he grabbed her by the arm and began walking her to the door. *Dammit, Cam, could your timing be any worse?* Lise thought, turning to Tim before she left the room. "Tim, think about what I said. All of it." "I will." And they'd both be thinking about what they'd left unsaid. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Sun, 05 Oct 1997 23:02:55 -0500 (CDT) Date: Sun, 05 Oct 1997 20:59:25 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (5/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/171 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Thursday, April 28, 2022 _seaQuest_ had berthed at New Cape Quest in the night. Her crew was looking forward to a few days of rest while the boat took on supplies. Spirits were high as the first shift to go ashore packed and prepared. Brody and O'Neill were both in the second shift, leaving the following day. But both knew Lise would be leaving that morning. Brody had an easy excuse to be in the Docking Bay; he'd been the unofficial watchdog over Benson and Benet during their stay. O'Neill, on the other hand, suddenly found it necessary to check out a problem with the com panels in the bay and, for a touch of realism, commandeered Ortiz to help out. Benson had had another surprise for Lise in the morning. He'd brought along her khaki uniform. She didn't mind dress whites. She didn't mind the blue jumpsuit she very rarely got to wear, but had worn here on _seaQuest_. But the khaki was like manacles and shackles to her. It represented office work, bureaucracy and all the things she most hated about Section Seven. She was a field agent, not a paper pusher. But orders were orders. She dressed and met Benson in the Docking Bay, too upset for breakfast. "Can't you do something with your hair?" Benson asked Lise irritably as she entered the room. "Cam, you know I've never worn my hair this long before," she replied defensively. "I'll do my best, but I can't wait to get it cut." "Well, you won't have time today. You'll be debriefing all day." "And tomorrow I'm taking the day off!" Lise replied hotly. "After all, I haven't even had weekends off for the past couple of years!" Brody approached, having overheard the end of their conversation. "Good. Then you'll join us at Wayfarers tomorrow night, right?" "It's still there?" asked Lise, surprised. "When I left they were filing for bankruptcy!" "They changed owners about eighteen months ago," Brody explained. "Fabulous food and the best dancing in the city. We _always_ hit Wayfarers when we're in town." *And I'm going to make sure I get the first dance with you,* he added mentally. Ortiz, who up to that moment had been bored silly watching Tim do what amounted to a whole lot of nothing, chimed in. "And we could use another woman. Tony scares 'em all off. Leaves me and Tim with no one to dance with but Lonnie. Or each other. And Lonnie refuses to dance _every_ dance with us. So say 'yes.'" Lise couldn't help laughing. "Yes!" *If Tim's going...* she thought. Departure was announced, five minutes away. *Only five more minutes,* Tim thought desperately. *And there's no way I'll get to talk to her about last night. I have to know whether she really meant what she said.* Lise was sorry to be leaving. It had been a relief taking several days to return to headquarters, not having to think about every detail of the past two years yet. And meeting O'Neill. She still wasn't sure where she stood with him, and didn't know how she'd get the chance to find out. Tim saw how tired Lise looked, and the dread on her face when the departure call came. Khaki wasn't her best color, it made her skin seem too pale and stole color from her eyes. But even in blue, she'd have been pale today. Before Tim could reach Lise's side to say goodbye, Brody was there. "So we'll see you at around seven tomorrow night then. Great!" Quickly, he kissed her cheek. The gesture wasn't lost on O'Neill, who felt that dullness creep over him again as he watched. Brody really was smooth. Turning, Lise looked around for Tim as the final call for boarding came. She thought he'd been over by the com panel...But he was right beside her. "Tim, I need to know--" she began, her voice low. But before she could finish her sentence, before she could finish asking Tim if he felt what she did, Cam was tugging on her arm. "_Now_, Lise. You're due in the briefing room in half an hour." It was too late. All Tim could say was, "We'll talk tomorrow night." Then she was gone. *** It was the longest day in the history of time. Brody, anxiously awaiting the next evening, wondered why it mattered so much to him whether he got to dance with Lise or not. Tim, turning over in his mind every moment he'd spent with Lise, wondered if he was imagining it all, or whether she really did seem to care for him. And for Lise it was worst of all. Recounting the horrors of her imprisonment. Replaying the disk from her psych scan with Doctor Smith. All for men with cold steel for hearts, who only cared whether she'd done her job effectively. But, like an anchor, there was the recording of Tim's voice, translating the French in her memories into English. Though the words themselves were hurtful, she clung desperately to that voice, and made it through. She shed no tears, never raised her voice. She was told she'd earned yet another commendation. She thanked them graciously. But her eyes were gray. *** The night was better for Jim Brody. He dreamed of dancing with Lise, who would be warm in his arms and look up into his eyes with a smile. For Lise and Tim, though, the night was nearly as bad as the day. Back in her own apartment at last, Lise felt out of place. Her favorite possessions were all there. All the pictures of family. But she felt as though a large part of her was gone, and wondered if she'd ever get it back. When she did sleep, she wished she didn't. She dreamed of the day's debriefing session, only now the officers who interviewed her had turned into Montagnard guards, who taunted her, and wouldn't let her go. Lise woke, trembling, tempted to call Tim on _seaQuest_. Just to hear him tell her she wasn't crazy... *No, Lise. You're a big girl. You can't bother Tim with all your problems. Just because he listened to you a few times doesn't mean he wants to go on solving them for you forever.* Tim had no nightmares that night, but woke with a feeling of unease several times, and a vague memory of guards who wouldn't let him go. *Where did that come from?* he wondered. *The only person who wouldn't let me go was Mariah.* He considered calling Lise, but didn't want to wake her. *** ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 23:26:34 -0500 (CDT) Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:25 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (6/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/187 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Friday, April 29, 2022 The next day was better. It didn't exactly start off that way, though. Before they left _seaQuest_, Brody and O'Neill were both "requested" to put in an appearance at headquarters. When they arrived, they were directed to the Section Seven wing. Not surprising, really. But they were surprised at what happened next. They were shown into a debriefing room and put under oath. Then they watched video of the parts of Lise's debriefing yesterday that had to do with her imprisonment. Yes, the replay of the psych scan was exactly as it had been on _seaQuest_. No, the translation had not been changed in any way. No, Lieutenant Benet had not told them anything of her experiences other than what was on this video. No, they would not take any of this information outside of this room. And, as they left, they added a few comments of their own. No, the debriefing officers didn't deserve to be called members of the human race. And yes, Lise was an incredible young woman to go through a grilling like that so calmly. Brody had plenty to say on that count. "Did you see the way she just sat there, after they told her about her commendation...that left-sided smile of hers. You know Tim, it makes me a little weak in the knees." He had no idea what his comments were doing to O'Neill. Oh, Tim had noticed the smile. But it was her eyes that caught him. They were gray, empty, like a trapped animal. She shouldn't have had to go through a debriefing like that so soon. Was he the only one who saw it? Jim cut into Tim's thoughts. "So, you want to go down to the shooting range?" "What for?" "You know I have to recertify every six months to keep my master marksman rating. I'm almost due and now's as good a time as any. Told Jonathan I'd meet him there about--" he checked his watch "--now." Shrugging, O'Neill agreed. Why not; it would help pass the time until seven o'clock. He was very glad he did. Ford was late, but Lise was on the range. It was a Lise they didn't know, with a hard face and empty eyes. Her stance was perfect, her aim unwavering as she made bullseye after bullseye. Still wearing the hated khaki uniform, Lise was taking out her frustration on the electronic targets. *Damn them for being so surprised when I offered my resignation this morning. Damn them for being so pleased with themselves for giving me another commendation and patting me on the head like some good little puppy who's done what it was trained to do. Damn them for making me stay when I told them I thought my cover was blown. Damn them for taking away two years of my life. And damn them for making me _feel_ this way.* She was out of power. Turning to grab a fresh power pack, Lise realized she was being watched. "Nice shooting, Lieutenant," Brody said admiringly. "They told me my recertification was overdue. Even though it's technically my day off, and I'm resigning at the end of May," Lise explained. "_I_ don't care if I lose my master rating. But the powers that be sure do." She laughed brittlely. "Even though I have yet to ever shoot at a human being." The comment surprised Tim, even more than her manner did. "You've _never_ shot at anyone?" Just talking to him was restoring Lise's good humour. "I know, so much for the myth of the 'shoot first, ask questions later' secret agent. But I've always opted for talking my way out; hand-to-hand if I'm really desperate." "And I _know_ how good you are at that!" Brody interjected. Lise blushed. "And _I'm_ still really sorry about that!" "You're not getting off that easily," Jim told her. "How about a little contest? I've got a master rating to preserve, myself." Playing up her cool-secret-agent act, Lise inserted a new power pack in her gun. "Stakes?" Brody was hooked. "Dinner at Wayfarers tonight." He logged in at the station beside her, entering his serial number so the computer could track his performance. "Make sure you have plenty of money; I haven't had anything but Navy chow for months." Lise was playing innocent. "Gee, I'm not sure I can afford that. But okay, sure. Tim, you're our witness." Turning so Brody couldn't see her face, Lise winked at Tim. Her eyes were back to their brilliant blue. She beat Jim. She beat him bad. Oh, he had enough good shots to retain his rating. But Lise didn't have a bad shot. Not one. The computer tracked them to the millimeter, and hers barely varied. "Did I forget to tell you, Jim, that I grew up on a farm? My cousins had me shooting the 'C' on Coke cans with a BB gun when I was four." As she turned to log out of her station, Lise was surprised to hear applause. Ford, Ortiz, and Piccolo were standing back behind the waist-high barrier, clapping and grinning. "Thank you, Lieutenant Benet," Ford said. "You've done us all a service today by taking Brody down a notch." "Too bad, Lieutenant," Tony told Brody. "You got too many witnesses to get out of this one." Brody's mouth hung open. She'd conned him completely. And publicly. And it was damned attractive. There was one more twist of the knife for Lise to make, and she did it with a smile and a saucy wink. "And after six months of prison food, I'm _really_ ready for good meal out." Turning to O'Neill, Lise said, "Thanks for not giving it away." "Are you kidding?!" Tim replied. "In case you couldn't tell, we've all been waiting for this day for a long time." "Oh now, don't be mean!" Lise said, giving him a little shove on the shoulder. Tim caught her hand, held it. Their mood changed instantly. Behind them, the others were still ribbing Brody about his fall to Section Seven's finest marksman in years--hadn't he noticed her name on the wall behind him? But for those two people, their eyes locked, it was all frivolous and silly. There was too much more to say. Overwhelmed by what she felt, Lise panicked. "Tim," she stuttered, "I have to go. I have to--" She broke off, shook her head. "I'll see you tonight." And she fled. *** It seemed as if everyone wanted to be at Wayfarers that evening. Tim had expected to see Lonnie, Tony and Miguel there. But Wendy came, too. And so did Dagwood and Lucas. Even Jonathan Ford was there. It was a perfect night for dining on the terrace. With only a day left in April, it was warm, without the humidity that would hit Florida before May ended. Wendy and Lonnie were obviously keeping some kind of secret. They kept looking at each other over the tops of their menus and trying not to smile. "What _is_ it with you two tonight?" Brody finally burst out, mildly annoyed. They acted innocent. "Nothing. Really," said Wendy, as Lonnie smothered a giggle. "By the way...I heard you had an interesting time on the shooting range today, Lieutenant." Brody glared at the others. "Who told?" "Now don't get mad at _them_," Lonnie protested. "We ran into Lise Benet in town this afternoon..." Another amused look passed between her and the doctor. "...She mentioned she'd seen you earlier." "Where is she, anyhow?" asked Piccolo. "I mean, the lieutenant here's gotta buy her dinner and all--" He broke off, looking past Tim and Brody and the empty chair between them and whistling. "Sorry I'm late," Lise said. "My cousin called just as I was leaving. He's XO on the _Valiant_ now, and he's going home on leave at the end of the month. He wanted to see if I'd be able to come too." Both O'Neill and Brody jumped up, turning to greet her. Both stopped, pleasantly stunned by what they saw. She wore a red dress, a soft, light wool that clung to her slender curves. She'd put on a couple of pounds in the past few days, but was still very thin. She'd had her hair cut, softly shaped around her face and much shorter. It showed off the elegant curve of her neck and shoulders and made her eyes seem even bigger than before. It was the first time any of the men had seen Lise wearing any makeup. She didn't wear much, but she knew how to use it to her advantage. Wendy and Lonnie finally laughed out loud at the reactions Lise was getting. "See, Lise?" Lonnie said. "We told you this would happen." Lise couldn't quite believe this was happening. It was beyond flattering to be given this kind of attention, but it was embarrassing too. "I didn't realize I looked that bad before," she said as she sat down in the empty chair and picked up a menu. "Hope you've got a healthy credit limit, Mister Brody," she said teasingly to Jim. "I'm starved." *** They were just finishing the meal when the deejay played the first selection, announcing as he did so that it was Oldies Night--no music newer than 1990 would be played. Tony Piccolo was ecstatic. Especially when the second song was Elvis Presley's "Jailhouse Rock". There was only one problem--he knew Lonnie Henderson didn't know how to dance to fifties swing. So Tony took a chance, grabbed Lise Benet's hand, and pulled her out onto the floor. And that's how Tony beat Jim for the first dance with Lise. Tony, of course, didn't know he'd just ruined Brody's perfect evening. But he'd chosen his partner well; Lise kept up with him through every tricky turn he knew. They returned to the table, breathless and laughing, to applause from their friends. "Oh, Tony, that was great!" Lise exclaimed. "How'd you learn to dance like that?" "Watchin' old Elvis movies," Piccolo replied. "How'd you?" "My parents loved to dance. They taught me and my cousins. By the time I was ten I knew how to waltz, jitterbug...oh, a lot of kinds of dancing." By that time, another song had finished. The next one began, much slower in tempo. Brody saw his chance and took Lise out onto the floor. He may not have had the first dance with Lise, Jim thought, but it _was_ the first slow one. It lived up to all his expectations. Lise _was_ warm in his arms and _did_ look up smiling into his eyes as she thanked him for dinner. For once, Brody didn't have much to say, and Lise was worried. "You're not mad at me for what happened this morning, are you?" she asked him. "What?" he asked her, startled. "Oh, of course not. It's my own fault I didn't see your name on the board. Why would you think I'm mad at you?" "You've been rather quiet this evening." "Have I? I guess I've just kind of got a lot on my mind." "Can I help?" Lise asked, concerned. *Can you help?* Jim thought. *Sure. Tell me why I can't stop thinking about you.* "Not really," he said. "But thanks." The song ended. Jim and Lise went back to the table. Lise might as well have given her chair away after that. She really didn't have the opportunity to use it. And O'Neill was getting a little frustrated. He still hadn't been able to dance with Lise, or even talk to her. Brody didn't dance much. In fact, after that dance with Lise, he merely sat at their table and watched her dance with the others. He was trying hard to figure out why he was feeling so strange tonight. Oh sure, he knew he liked Lise. They all did. But as he watched her dance, Jim couldn't stop thinking of how she'd felt in his arms, or the way it had felt to kiss her the other night. He was pretty sure it wasn't just that Lise was a challenge to him. He'd been...infatuated...with women who were hard to get, enjoyed the challenge of getting them into bed with him. But he already knew Lise wasn't--well, she wasn't that kind of girl. So why was he so damned obsessed with this woman? *** Finally, finally Tim's chance came. It was a wonderful old song that seemed as if the deejay had chosen it just for them. "...Are the stars out tonight, I don't know if it's cloudy or bright, 'cause I only have eyes for you, dear..." They danced in silence at first. Tim was enjoying the softness of Lise's dress under his hand and, beyond that, the way her small waist felt as his hand rested on it. *I could probably fit my hands around her waist,* he thought, resisting the temptation to try. Her perfume teased at his nose, rich and floral. The song was too good..."You are here, so am I, maybe millions of people go by, but they all disappear from view, and I only have eyes for you." "How'd they know how I feel right now?" Tim spoke at last, his voice low. Lise had no answer for him. She loved the warmth of his hand on her waist, his other hand holding hers gently, but securely. Her fingers tingled pleasantly where they touched. Tim's comment made Lise blush; she'd been thinking much the same thing. Even in the low lights of the terrace, Tim saw Lise blush. That was answer enough for him just then. Tim and Lise didn't know it, but they were causing something of a sensation among their friends. The song ended, segued into Nat King Cole singing "Unforgettable." The two of them remained on the floor together. Piccolo and Ortiz sat down, one at either side of Brody. "Looks like O'Neill's got it bad," Tony said. "Lookit the way he's lookin' at her." "I've seen him look at a couple of women that way before," Miguel returned. "But this one looks at him the same way." "Far as they're concerned, they're the only people on the floor," Tony agreed. The two wandered off. Brody thought about what he'd just heard. Jim had never been the type to worry about having competition for a woman, least of all from O'Neill. So why was he suddenly scared? Lise wasn't even his type. Or had he just been looking for the wrong type of woman up until now? Jim realized this was entirely new territory for him. What he felt for Lise was serious. He could try blaming it on the night, or the music, or that red dress. But it came down to one simple fact: Jim Brody had fallen in love, for real, with Lise Benet. And he might have realized it too late. *** As they danced, Lise wanted to talk to Tim, but she didn't know where to start. There were too many unanswered questions between them. "Tim, I'm sorry about running out on you like that on the shooting range. I--I don't know what happened to me, but it was very rude of me and I apologize." She hoped she didn't sound as lame to him as she did to herself. Nodding, Tim said, "Don't worry about it. I guess you've been under a lot of stress lately, huh?" "Lately? Try the past two years," Lise responded wryly. "I'm a complete mess. You probably think I'm insane." "No. But I'm glad you're getting out of Section Seven. I know you're one of their best and all, but I just don't think you belong there. I'm glad you haven't let them turn you into one of them." She raised an eyebrow. "You're sure they haven't?" Holding Lise a little closer, Tim nodded, squeezed her hand, and said, "Positive." Lise was glad Tim was so certain. Because sometimes she had her doubts. As the song ended, Tim held Lise for a few extra moments before they returned to the table. He finally understood the meaning of the word "desire." He'd felt plain old lust a few times. This was different; it went way beyond physical sensations. It was the color of her eyes, her sense of humor, the way she really _listened_ to him, and a hundred other things. Watching them, Brody thought back over the week he'd known Lise. This time, though, he _really_ looked at all the indications that Lise and Tim were...he didn't want to even think it yet. Miguel had taken Lise onto the floor for a fast song. Then she tried to teach Lucas to waltz--not quite a lost cause. And still Jim watched Lise. And knew he loved her. He practically snatched Lise from Ford's hands as the next slow song started. Lise was relaxed, happy. And she wasn't looking at him the way she looked at Tim. "You're _really_ happy tonight, aren't you?" Jim asked Lise. "Not just acting happy?" Lise smiled at him. "Yes, Jim, I am. It's...I don't think I can describe the way I feel." She looked over to the table; the blue of her eyes deepened. Jim looked, too, and knew it was O'Neill Lise was looking at. "Have you told him yet, Lise?" Jim asked, the words catching in his throat. Startled, Lise jerked her attention back to Brody's face. "What?! I--" She shook her head. "How can I? I don't even know what he thinks of me." "Well, you're the only one who doesn't, then. We've all seen you together. It's pretty obvious." "It is?" Brody nodded. Lise looked doubtful, shook her head again. "I can't. I'm scared." Jim couldn't help laughing at her. "I don't see what's so funny, Jim," Lise said, a bit hurt. "The idea of Section Seven's top agent being scared of _any_thing," he replied. "This is different." She said it so seriously. Jim _was_ aware of just how serious it was. Because he wanted to tell Lise so many things he'd only just learned about himself, but was afraid to. Anyway, she'd told him what he really needed to know. Jim returned Lise to the table when the song ended and went up the stairs to the bar. But he didn't get a drink. He just stood at the railing, looking down at Lise laughing at something Tony said, and he ached with the loss of her, the loss of the chance to _tell_ her, and he wondered if he'd ever feel better again. He didn't know Wendy Smith had followed him up there until she spoke. "It _will_ stop hurting. Someday." "Are you reading me, Doctor?" Jim asked her, his voice tight. He wouldn't look at her. "Your feelings are pretty intense. It was hard _not_ to know." "And are you reading _them_, too?" Jim didn't bother to specify who he meant. He knew Wendy already knew. "Not right now. Lise has a lot of natural shielding, so it's hard. But a few nights ago..." She trailed off, didn't want to breach anyone's privacy by saying too much. "What?" Brody demanded. "It wouldn't be right for me to tell you, Jim," Wendy said softly. "It's their business, not ours." "At least tell me if there's any chance that Lise and Tim aren't..." He still couldn't say it. Wendy shook her head. "I've seen this once or twice before. It's like they're on the same psychic wavelength. They'd have liked each other anyway, I think, but once in a while there are two people who are just _meant_ to be together, and not only do they have things in common and get along with each other from the start, but there's this extra psychic connection. It's very rare. And very special." "And they have it." "Yes, they do." Brody finally turned to face her. "If this is what love feels like, I'm glad I never felt it before. And I hope I never feel it again." He walked away. *So that's it, then,* Jim thought. *Tim and Lise are in love with each other and they're both being too damned shy to do anything about it.* For Lise's sake, for Lise's happiness, he decided he'd just have to help things along. In the deejay's booth, Jim asked, "How far back does your collection go?" *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Tue, 07 Oct 1997 17:21:24 -0500 (CDT) Date: Tue, 07 Oct 1997 15:18:26 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (7/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/191 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Tim recognized the music after only a few notes. He knew that even if he didn't dance with Lise again that evening, they had to dance to this song. Jonathan Ford had just taken Lise's arm and started moving to the floor when Tim stepped up at her other side. "Excuse me, Sir, but Lise promised this one to me." Ortiz and Piccolo, overhearing, were puzzled; Lise had just told Ford she'd dance with him. Then the deejay announced the song, "Duke Ellington's 'Prelude to a Kiss.'" The piano introduction had barely ended when Tim took Lise into his arms on the dance floor. He held her closer than polite dancing really required, but she didn't seem to mind. They danced in silence, each enjoying the way they felt, each gathering the nerve to speak. So of course they both spoke at once. "Tim--" "Lise--" They laughed a little self-consciously. Lise blushed. "Go ahead," Tim said. "No, it's all right, you first." "Well, ummm...Lise, remember when we met, when I almost knocked you down?" "Yes." She wasn't making this easy for him, Tim thought. "Did you...feel anything? Something you'd never felt before?" *So he _did_ feel something,* Lise thought. "Yes," she said, the word barely a whisper. Encouraged, but still afraid, Tim pressed on. "And do you feel it now?" Again, barely a whisper, but it stopped Tim in his tracks. "No." "No?!" Lise looked up at him, smiled slowly, shook her head. "Nope. I didn't know you then. Now that I know you, what I felt then is nowhere close to what I'm feeling right now." Another couple bumped into them; they began to dance again. A few more bars of music went by before Tim spoke. "You were going to say something, too." Lise seemed a little surprised he'd remembered. "I was trying to find a way to ask you the same thing." "You were?" "Mm hmm." Tim stopped dancing again, stepped back from Lise a little so he could look down into her eyes, wanting to say something but not knowing what. Was it too soon for "I love you"? Looking up at Tim, Lise smiled. Even though he must know how she felt about him now, Tim was still tongue-tied. And she loved that quality in him. The music built, drawing to its conclusion, the four minutes nearly over. Lise didn't want it to be over, not yet. "Tim," she said, "don't waste the song." He didn't. Pulling Lise to him, Tim let the song live up to its title and kissed her. Any questions left between them were answered pretty thoroughly. Tim was wrapped up in the scent of Lise's perfume (it should be a controlled substance for the effect it had on him), the warmth of her, her heart beating wildly against his chest. For Lise, it was a disconcerting mixture of panic and paradise. Panic at the rush of emotion she felt, emotion she couldn't control, let alone deny. Paradise in the strength of Tim's arms holding her, the faint scent of sandalwood soap, and the thought that she'd suddenly stopped being alone. *** Looking down from the bar, Jim Brody hurt like hell, but watched Tim and Lise nonetheless. He had to turn away, though, when they kissed. They had an...electricity...that could run _seaQuest_ for a week. As he approached the bar, thinking of buying a whiskey to burn the ache from his throat, Jim saw a beautiful blonde waving at him. She was familiar; they'd met last time he was in town. Her name was Charlene--no, wait, Christine--and she was tall, sexy, and completely different from Lise. Trying to forget his pain, Jim bought two glasses of wine, went to her table, and picked up where they'd left off a few months back. *** It was nearly midnight, and Lise was obviously tiring. Tim took her back to the table, where they sat, his arm around her shoulders, making plans for what they'd do together before _seaQuest_ shipped out the next afternoon. "Hate t' interrupt ya, Lieutenants," Piccolo broke in. "But Lieutenant Benet's purse is beepin'." He handed Lise her purse just as the PAL inside beeped again. Sighing, she pulled the PAL out and turned it on. "Benet here." "It's about time, Lieutenant," came Benson's reproving voice. "You're working late tonight," Lise replied mildly. "We've got something here you need to see." "It can't wait till Monday? Or tomorrow, at least?" "No. It can't." Lise sighed again. "Right. I'll just run home and change, then--" "No. Now, Lieutenant. That's an order." Looking worried, Lise responded, "Yes, Sir." "Oh, and _seaQuest_'s communications officer, that guy with the glasses? Is he anywhere around? We need him, too." "He's sitting right here. But--" "Just get here ASAP, Lieutenant. Benson out." Mystified, Lise put the PAL back in her purse, muttering something Tim didn't quite hear. "What did you say?" he asked. "I said, 'Only one more month 'til I'm free,'" Lise told him, smiling grimly. "May 31st can't come soon enough." They said their goodbyes, then left. *** The security desk was expecting them; they had a temporary Section Seven ID waiting for O'Neill. Tim and Lise passed into the Section Seven wing quietly, both intimidated by the silence of it. Halfway down the corridor Lise stopped, so suddenly that Tim bumped into her. When he put a hand on Lise's shoulder to steady her, Tim felt Lise trembling. "What's wrong?" "I can't go in there, Tim." He turned her to face him. "Why not?" Shaking her head, her face pale, Lise replied, "I don't know. But it's something bad, Tim. My cousin taught me always to trust my gut. And my gut's telling me to turn around and get the hell out of here." "Lise, it can't be that bad. You'll see. It'll be okay." But her fear was beginning to affect Tim, too. "No. Something's going to happen. Half an hour ago we were planning what we wanted to do together and I was happy, and...now it feels like there's no future and no 'together', and it's cold, Tim, and empty." Really worried now, all Tim could do was hold Lise to him and try to stop her shaking. "Rather inappropriate for officers on duty, don't you think?" Benson asked as he approached. Tim began to release Lise, but she clung to him, trying to draw strength from him so she could face whatever it was that waited. *Does he know how much it helps that he _listens_ to me and doesn't tell me I'm an idiot?* Lise wondered. "We're not in uniform, Cam," Lise said, finally letting Tim go. "Nice dress, Lieutenant," Benson said with grudging admiration. "But you _are_ on duty. Come on. The director's waiting for you." Benson led them into a small conference room. O'Neill was given a statement to read and sign. It was like Faust selling his soul to the devil, Tim thought as he signed five different spaces, indicating that he would never divulge what he was about to hear, that he would give an honest and accurate translation, regardless of what was said, and so forth. After he'd signed the form and Benson had whisked it away, Tim was introduced to the director of Section Seven, Thomas Graves, who had heretofore been silent. O'Neill had seen the man's picture and knew of his reputation for being the toughest, most secretive director UEO Intelligence had ever had. Kindness from this man was the last thing Tim expected. "Sit, sit," Graves said. "I'm sorry about all those things you had to sign, but I'm sure you'll understand the reasons." He turned to Lise. "You're a little pale, Lieutenant. Let me get you a drink. Evian, ice cold, twist of lemon, right?" Lise nodded; Graves went to a small refrigerator in the corner and produced Lise's drink. "How about you, O'Neill? Nothing alcoholic, of course, but..." "I'll have the same as Lise, Sir." The man's manner was starting to bother Tim. He'd called them in here, practically in the middle of the night, and now he was acting like it was some kind of cocktail party. Graves placed their drinks on the table. "Lise, is it?" he asked. "Considering she outranks you, and you're on duty..." Flustered, Tim tried to produce a suitable apology, but Graves cut him off. "Never mind, Lieutenant. Lise needs all the friends she can get right now." It wasn't exactly a comforting thing to say. "Why don't we cut the crap, Sir?" Lise said levelly, with a hard edge to her voice that Tim hadn't heard before. "It's bad, isn't it?" Graves' face fell and he sat heavily across the table from Tim and Lise. "Is that coming from your head or from your gut?" "Both." Graves turned to Tim. "You should have seen her five years ago, fresh out of the Academy. She bulled her way into my office, this little scrap of a girl, and insisted Section Seven needed her and her brains and her gut. I decided to give her a chance, but I didn't make it easy. She took three tough assignments and handled them brilliantly. Lise made lieutenant junior grade in a year, lieutenant two years later, right before we sent her to the Montagnards." Tim's surprise obviously showed. "Unheard of, I know," Graves nodded. "Beats even your Commander Ford. To tell you the truth, I expected Lise to have my job by the time she's forty. But now she wants to resign. And after what I saw tonight, I can't say I blame her." "Sir," Lise put in, nearing desperation, "can we _please_ just get on with it?" Solemnly, Graves nodded once. "I'm being unfair to you, Lise. It _is_ bad. Bad enough that I don't want to have to see it again myself." Suddenly businesslike, Graves went on. "Benson, put the recorders on." Lise had almost forgotten Benson was there, she was so caught up in her growing sense of foreboding. At the far end of the room, Benson pushed the buttons that would start the video and audio recorders in the room. "This came in this morning, from your friends in the resistance, Lise. It took over four months getting here. God only knows where they got it." He turned to O'Neill. "You'll translate everything verbatim. If you need to go back over something, tell Benson and he'll replay it." Graves nodded to Benson, who dimmed the lights as the vid screen flickered to life. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 10:24:30 -0500 (CDT) Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 08:21:39 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (8/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/195 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-MIME-Autoconverted: from 8bit to quoted-printable by stgenesis.org id KAA04622 X-Proc-type: 3 **** The vidscreen showed an empty room, concrete walls, no window. A single lightbulb hung from a cord on the ceiling. A slat-backed wooden chair stood in the corner; a table in the foreground. A Montagnard colonel, vaguely familiar to Tim from Lise's psych scan, entered the room, his crisply pressed uniform a stark contrast to the squalor of the room. He laid something on the table, out of range of the camera. Lit a cigarette. Looked at his watch. Then two guards brought Lise into the room and left. She must not have been there long; she still looked reasonably healthy. Lise's hands were cuffed behind her back. She wore a chambray shirt and jeans. Both shirt and pants were rolled up at the cuffs; the Montagnards obviously weren't equipped for a prisoner her size. Lise was completely calm. The colonel spoke. O'Neill translated almost simultaneously. "Mademoiselle. I do apologize for the inconvenience we must have caused you. But surely, in these perilous times, you understand how important it is for us to investigate these allegations of espionage." "Of course, Monsieur Colonel. I do hope I can return to the school soon." It was ridiculous how polite they were being, Tim thought as he translated. "You miss your students, I am sure. How is it you came to teach here, Mademoiselle?" "There were too many teachers of French when I finished my university studies. I heard of the need for French and English teachers here and, since I am fluent in both, and had a wish to see more of the world than just the province of Ontario, here I am." "It has nothing to do with being an agent for UEO Intelligence, Lieutenant Benet?" "Pardon me? I don't understand." The colonel moved in close to her. "I want to know if you work for UEO's Section Seven." "I've heard of them, but I'm no spy." Lise managed a light laugh. "I'm just a Canadian farm girl." "Who joined Section Seven as soon as she left the Academy." He began pacing the room. "Let's drop the charade, Lieutenant. You're very good, but even the best get betrayed. C'est la guerre." Lise stiffened, whispered a name, but a burst of static made it impossible to hear. "Oh yes," responded the colonel., "it was. We appreciate having help. You've made a few enemies in your short career, my dear." The colonel began to circle Lise, still speaking oh-so-politely. "Now then, I'm sure you'll want this to go as easily as possible. We wouldn't want this to get--" indicating the table "--untidy." Lise's eyes widened slightly as she looked at whatever it was that lay there. The colonel lit a second cigarette from the stub of the first, threw the stub to the ground. "Tell me the names of your contacts with the resistance," he said casually. "Benet, Elise Marie, Lieutenant, UEO Navy; 4675-381-99829." "Yes, Lieutenant, I know that. What I asked you for is the names of your contacts in the resistance." "Benet, Elise Marie, Lieutenant--" He slapped her. "I'll make it easy for you. You only have to name one of them." "Benet, Elise M--" He slapped her again. "Perhaps I need to give you a bit more incentive." The colonel walked over to the table, picked something up, walked back to Lise. "Do you know what this is, Lieutenant Benet? It has grown in this land for centuries. Very versatile, bamboo. When it's young and supple, like the piece I hold here, it can cause quite a bit of pain without even breaking the skin." Lise's face was impassive, the only color in it was where she'd been slapped. Even her lips were pale. The colonel lit another cigarette, again throwing the stub of the previous one to the floor. Holding the fresh cigarette in his mouth, he stood before Lise and began unbuttoning her shirt. "I'll be happy to stop as soon as you give me a name. Just one name." Lise said nothing. The colonel finished unbuttoning her shirt, pushed it back from her shoulders and allowed it to fall, stopped by the handcuffs. "Your last chance, Lieutenant," said the colonel, picking up the thin bamboo and standing behind her. He paused, puffing on his cigarette. "No? A shame." Lise winced at the first two blows, but said nothing. Tim watched her on the screen, her jaw tight, the tendons of her neck rigid. Watching beside him, Lise's face matched that of her screen image. By the fourth blow, Tim saw the change in Lise. Her jaw relaxed; her face went completely blank. This, then, must be what she had meant when she said she "just went home," for surely only Lise's body was in that room and her mind, her soul, were far away. At the tenth blow, the colonel stopped, shook his head, and laid the bamboo on the table. "You are a very stubborn woman. I begin to see why you are called one of Section Seven's finest." Her mind back with her body, Lise only stood there, shivering a little in her white cotton bra, looking almost defiant. "Of course," the colonel said in a thoughtful tone, "I have noticed that women seem to have a higher ability to tolerate pain than men do. There are, however, other threats that women tend to respond very well to." He began to circle Lise again. "Your work permit gives your age as 25. I believe your birthday is in a few weeks," he went on, conversationally. Abruptly, he stopped, exactly in front of Lise. If the camera had not been somwhere high, he would have blocked Lise from its view. "Are you a virgin, Lieutenant?" Although Lise still stood silent, her eyes flickered ever so slightly. Nodding, the colonel said, "I thought so. You have that untouched look about you. Very rare, at your age. A pity you've wasted it." Lise's shoulders shook slightly, but Tim could tell from her eyes that she was still "there." His mouth was dry, his hands cold, watching this. Beside him, Lise's face was blank, almost uncomprehending. Tim reached for her hand, but she snatched it away. On the screen, the colonel moved very close to Lise. With his cigarette in his hand, he traced a finger along her jaw (where the scar would be later, Tim noted), down her neck, along the swell of her breast. Quicker than an eyeblink, he was holding the burning end of the cigarette to her skin. Tim felt sick, drank convulsively at his water. Lise's hand went to her breast, she shook her head, mouthed the word "no." Graves looked troubled. Benson's face was expressionless. Without lifting the cigarette from her skin, the colonel moved it a few inches along Lise's breast and said, "I am beginning to lose patience with you, Lieutenant. Your contacts." "Benet, Elise Marie, Lieutenant, UEO Navy," Lise whispered, her shoulders shaking. "Wrong answer," the colonel said, lifting his cigarette from her skin. He jerked Lise to him, his face mere centimeters from hers. With a tug, Lise freed her right hand from the cuffs and her shirt. Had she been working at freeing it, under cover of her shirt, all this time? Before the colonel had a chance to react to Lise's movement, she had pulled him off balance, kneed him hard in the groin and pushed him against the table. He fell against it hard, cutting his cheek on the edge as he went down. The guards, hearing the struggle, entered quickly and restrained Lise--not easily, but their numbers eventually won out over her fury. "Put her back in her cell," the colonel spat out as he rose, feeling gingerly at the cut on his cheekbone. "Give her only water for three days. Then we'll see what she has to say. But don't touch her. Do you understand?" The guards nodded. They forced Lise's free arm into the sleeve of her shirt, yanked the shirt up onto her shoulders, and re-cuffed both hands, much tighter this time. "Until next time, Lieutenant," the colonel said,back to his polite tone. Lise was equally polite. "So sorry about your cheek, Colonel. C'est la guerre." The colonel left the room. Lise was taken out. The camera showed the empty room for a minute, then the video screen went black and Benson turned the room lights back on. The conference room was completely silent until Lise took a long, shuddering breath. Taking that as his cue, Graves said levelly, "This wasn't in the recording of the scan you underwent on _seaQuest_, Lieutenant." "No, Sir," Lise said in a low voice. "Why is that?" Lise shook her head. "I didn't remember it then. I don't know why not. I remember it now. After they took me out of that room, they stuck me back in my cell, a little six-by-six room. I remember I slept for a long time. They gave me about half a liter of water; they brought it three times, so it must have been three days. I remember the burns; they hurt so much, I used some of my water to cool them and they crusted over and stuck to my shirt. But I couldn't remember where they came from…I couldn't remember. Why couldn't I remember?" It broke Tim's heart to see Lise this way. She, who had been so strong and defiant, sounded like a lost child in her bewilderment. And yet, when he reached to offer her comfort, she flinched away from his touch. Lise _was_ bewildered, and beyond that, she was utterly afraid. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten and, now that she'd remembered, was terrified that there could be more holes in her memory. She didn't think anything else was missing, but then she hadn't thought so before, either. Graves tried to explain what he thought had happened. "Lise, I know you're tough, but you'd just been through a terrible experience. When you went to sleep, I think your subconscious mind just shoved it all under the rug, so to speak. But now that you remember, you can heal. We've come a long way in treating post-traumatic stress in the past thirty years, and our counselors are the best. You're going to be fine." Intensely, Benson asked, "But who sold you out, Lise? It's almost as if that part of the recording was deliberately damaged." Tim had seen the real, unguarded, Lise enough to know she was hiding something--she stiffened just a bit and her eyes changed as she said, "It was just plain bad luck. A man I'd helped to convict on another mission had escaped and taken up residence just down the street from me. It was inevitable, really, that we'd meet." Benson nodded solemnly. "One in a million chance." It was now after two o'clock and they were all exhausted. "Go home, Lise," Graves said. "Set up your appointments with the counselors on Monday. And in light of what we've seen, I'm putting you on light duty for the rest of your time with us. You'll be doing translation work." Lise's face fell. "You're beaching me?" "It's a compliment, really," said Graves. "You'll have across-the-board security clearance." Lise nodded. "Thank you, Sir," she said. But it was clear her heart wasn't in it. "Take her home, O'Neill," said Graves. "She's ready to drop." *** Lise's apartment was just outside the headquarters campus. As they walked in silence across the grounds, O'Neill was hard-pressed to keep up with Lise, for all that his legs were longer than hers. "Lise, would you slow down for a minute." She did. "Sorry," Lise muttered. "What's wrong?" Turning on him, Lise exploded, "What's _wrong_?! You _did_ just watch the same video I did, didn't you?" "That's not what I mean. Lise, _talk_ to me." *How can I explain everything to him?* Lise wondered. *He doesn't realize the trouble I'm in.* "There's nothing much to talk about. You saw what happened. And I didn't even remember it. I wonder what else I don't remember. For all I know, I sold out every last one of my contacts and then forgot that, too." Lise's bitterness wasn't new to Tim. He'd been feeling a healthy dose of bitterness himself just a few nights ago. What frightened him was the sense of utter futility in Lise's voice. "No, Lise, you didn't. We both know that despite what that man did to you, you didn't budge an inch." "There's more to it than that." "What?" "He was psychic, Tim. The colonel was psychic. All that time he was talking to me, when he was beating me--I could feel him in my head the whole time," Lise responded brokenly. She could remember the sensation all too clearly and it still scared her. "God, Lise, I--" "He didn't get anything but pictures of me playing with the animals on the farm, stupid boring stuff, you know, like counting eggs and grooming horses. But I could feel him there, trying to break through. And then he started showing me pictures, in my mind, of what he'd do to me if I didn't tell him." She stopped, drew a ragged breath, went on. "I don't know how I kept him from getting any information. He must have been strong, to actually put pictures into my mind like that. Even when I was alone in my cell, sometimes I'd feel him there, trying to get in. I always kept my mind on the scripts of every play I ever did in high school, or going through my CD collection or something. I think he must have finally given up." Shaking again, Lise went to a nearby bench and sat down, wrapping her arms around herself. Sitting beside her, Tim said, "But you _did_ keep him out, Lise. You won." "Some winner. Graves beached me." "You're resigning anyway." "Maybe not, Tim." "What?!" "There's something else I remembered tonight." "You mean, who turned you in? Why did you lie about that?" "How'd you know I was lying?" Tim sighed. "I've sat with you in the middle of the night, Lise. I've watched you sleep and I've held you when you cried. I _know_ you." He couldn't keep his longing for her out of his voice. Lise heard it and felt ashamed of the way she'd treated him and what she had to do to him now. "Tim, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this," she said softly. "It's what people do for each other," Tim said. "Especially for people they love," he added, barely audible. Struggling with her feelings, Lise said, "I wish you hadn't said that." "But Lise, tonight when we were dancing, I thought--" Tim's confusion was evident. "You thought something very wonderful started? You thought I love you?" Her voice was tight; her throat hurt. Lise swallowed, went on. "It did. And I do. And that makes what I have to do now even harder." "I don't understand." "Tim, I'm saying goodbye. For good." "God, Lise, no--whatever's wrong, I'll help you work it out." Shaking her head, desperation in her voice, Lise said, "No, Tim. I know who sold me out. It was someone inside Section Seven. And I'm going to prove it, somehow. I _will_ prove it." "I'll help you. I'll--" "No. It's too dangerous. You don't have the training or the experience for this, and it would kill me to see you hurt in any way. Tim, these people could ruin your career or even kill you." "To hell with my career, I'll resign." "_No_, Tim." Lise's face was set; she was determined. Tim was near shock, unable to believe he was losing her so soon, and in such a way. Then anger began bubbling through the shock. "You don't trust me." "What?" Now it was Lise who was confused. "You heard me. You don't trust me to be competent enough to help you. You're so used to being Section Seven's prodigy, able to do anything and everything, and you don't trust anyone, even me, to be good enough to help you." "Tim, that's not true." "Isn't it?" he shot back. "If there's anyone I don't trust, it's myself. I don't trust my memory and I don't trust myself to be able to keep you safe. It'll be hard enough to take care of myself. I have to fight this battle alone." *He doesn't understand how much I need to know he's all right. He's the last person on earth I want to hurt, and I'm doing a damned fine job of it.* "Lise, dammit, you don't have to do everything alone. How do you think I feel, knowing you're deliberately going to put yourself in danger and you won't let me do anything about it?" Intractable, Lise shook her head and began to walk away. Running after her, Tim grabbed Lise by the shoulders and roughly turned her around. "Lise, I _need_ you. And you need me." He dropped an arm to circle her waist, pulled her close so he could kiss her, _show_ her. "Let me go, Tim," Lise said, her voice cold. "Lise, for God's sake--" Near tears, Lise said, "Tim, please, let me go. If you kiss me, I won't be able to say goodbye, and don't you see, Tim, I have to do this. I _have_ to." The pain in Lise's voice, on her face, showed Tim just how important this was. Numbly, he let her go. After she'd walked away a few steps, Lise turned back to Tim. "I guess you were wrong about me. Section Seven _has_ turned me into one of them." Again Lise turned and walked away, this time without turning back. Tim watched until she was out of sight, then turned and walked slowly back to _seaQuest_. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 11:31:40 -0500 (CDT) Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 09:28:32 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (9/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/200 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Saturday, April 30, 2022 Jim Brody was racing the clock, trying to get back to _seaQuest_ in time to pick up his gear before they left, but too late to have to talk to anyone. He didn't want to see Tim and Lise saying goodbye. It was his own bad luck _seaQuest_'s departure had been delayed by half an hour. As Brody rushed to get back off the boat, he ran smack into Tim O'Neill in the passageway outside his quarters. "Tim! Shouldn't you be out saying goodbye to Lise? Or did you smuggle her aboard?" "Lise said goodbye last night. For good," Tim responded flatly. Brody took a good look at his friend. O'Neill looked terrible. Jim was pretty sure he hadn't slept at all, and he looked like he'd been through a hellacious night. "For good?" Brody queried as he pulled Tim back into the quarter's he'd just left. "I don't get it. Last night you two were--" "Don't talk about it, Jim. Don't remind me, okay?" "What the hell happened after you two left Wayfarers?" "Section Seven was sent a video. Of Lise's first interrogation. It wasn't what we saw before; it was awful. And the director and Benson made Lise watch it last night and they made me translate." *To hell with secrecy*, Tim thought as he quickly ran down for Brody all that had happened, right up to Lise's departure. Brody let out a low whistle. "She'll calm down, Tim. I'll bet she's on the vidlink to you before the end of the week." Shaking his head, O'Neill said, "I don't think so. You didn't see her face." The PA sounded, calling the crew to their stations. Brody had to go. They left his quarters; O'Neill headed for the Bridge, stopped, called out to Brody. "Go see her Jim. See if she'll let _you_ help." Brody nodded, went on his way. O'Neill called out again. "Jim? Take care of her for me. I--I love her." Nodding, Brody once more went on his way. *I will, Tim. I love her too.* *** Thursday, May 5, 2022 It was at the HQ fitness center that Brody found Lise. He hadn't wanted to see her too soon, thinking he'd give her a chance to calm down. Then he'd been tied up in class for the past three days; they'd been out getting hands-on experience with some new equipment. Jim had planned to drop in on Lise that evening, maybe take her some flowers or something, but there she was in the fitness center. Frankly, Lise wasn't looking too good. The new haircut flattered her, she was wearing makeup, but she was pale and thin and there were shadows beneath her eyes. She was at one of the multi-use weight machines when Brody spotted her. Lise didn't see him when he waved at her, didn't hear him call her name. At first, Jim thought she was ignoring him; then he realized she was wearing earphones. Carefully, Jim approached Lise--he knew better than to startle her. He was practically standing on Lise's toes when she finally realized he was there. "Jim!" Lise said, with a smile that didn't quite involve her eyes. She turned off her music, pulled the earphones from her ears. "What're you listening to?" Brody asked her. "Nothing much," she replied, guiltily, Jim thought. He picked up the player before Lise had time to react, looked at the disc inside: "Prelude to a Kiss." "How long are you going to torture yourself, Lise?" Jim demanded. She only shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. *I will _not_ cry,* Lise tried to tell herself. *I have to get over this.* Her eyes didn't seem to be listening to her brain, though, as a tear rolled down her cheek. But only one. She wouldn't lose control, not here, not like this. Jim took her hand and said to Lise, "Why don't we go get some dinner, and then we can talk." "I'm not hungry." Looking at her, Jim realized Lise looked every bit as thin as she had when she was brought aboard _seaQuest_. "When did you last have anything to eat?" "I'm not sure. A couple of days ago, I think." "God, Lise, what have you been doing for the last five days?" "Working." "Official work, or your own private mission?" Lise looked at him sharply. Jim nodded at her unspoken question. "Tim told me everything." "He signed an oath!" "Well, to him you're a little more important than that. Lise, you hurt him pretty badly, you know." *Why am I defending Tim to Lise when it would be so easy to take this chance for myself?* Jim wondered. *All I want to do is hold her, but how can I when she's so obviously thinking of him.* "I don't want to talk about it." "Fine. We'll go eat somewhere and not say a word to each other. But you've got to eat, and eating with a friend beats eating alone. I _am_ your friend, right?" He gave her his trademark grin. This time, her smile was genuine. "Of course you are. Don't be an idiot." "Okay. Just checking." "Do you mind if we stop at my place?" Lise asked, indicating her clothes. "I really ought to change." *** While Lise changed in the bedroom, Jim took a good look around her apartment. The furniture was inexpensive assemble-it-yourself stuff. But the bookcases lining the entire living room revealed what Lise spent her money on: books and music. Real books, not book discs, all kinds of stuff--science fiction, biographies, classics. A top-of-the-line sound system and a vast collection of music--discs, old CDs, even a bunch of antique cassette tapes. As she came out of the bedroom, Lise asked, "See anything you like?" Brody turned, smiled, nodded. "This is the definition of the word 'eclectic,' isn't it?" Lise smiled in response. "There's not much I don't like." "You look nice," Jim said carefully. She did--jeans, white shirt, a tapestry vest. Big gold hoop earrings. And as she stood beside him, looking proudly over her shelves of music, her perfume caught him, made his knees turn to jelly. *Stop it, Jim. She loves Tim. You came here because he asked you to.* That wasn't really true. He'd come here because he wanted to. *Take it easy, Brody. Just take it easy.* *** They decided on Italian food, and once Lise started eating, she realized just how hungry she was. Breadsticks, salad, pasta with clam sauce, a gooey chocolate dessert--she ate it all. But she wouldn't let Jim buy her a glass of wine. "I don't drink," Lise explained. "Someone once said there's truth in wine, and in my business, truth is a dangerous thing." Tentatively, Jim said, "Tim says you may not resign after all." Pain flashed briefly across Lise's face at the mention of Tim O'Neill, gone before Jim could really be sure it was there. "Probably not. Not until I can prove who turned me over to the Montagnards." "I didn't figure you for the type who'd look for revenge." "It's not revenge I'm after, Jim. It's truth. A traitor inside Section Seven is too dangerous. And the person who betrayed me can do a lot of damage if he's not brought in." "You're sure about this?" "Positive." *** Back at Lise's apartment, Brody tried not to look like he was pushing Lise about Tim or about her resignation. He looked over the assortment of photographs on the walls. "Big family," he commented. Lise laughed. "I'm an only child, but I've never felt like one. My mother's four brothers all have houses nearby--the farm's also our family's business--and we were in and out of each other's houses all the time. It was like having twelve older brothers." Lise had to admit to herself that the meal--and the company--had her feeling better than she had in days. She was really grateful to Jim for spending the evening with her, making the effort to cheer her up when he could be with that pretty blonde Lise had seen Jim with Friday night. "Is this that famous cousin of yours?" Jim asked, picking up a picture from what was obviously Lise's Academy graduation. "That's him. He just got made XO on the _Valiant_." "You mentioned that Friday night. You're going home to see him at the end of the month, right?" "I don't know," Lise sighed, curling up in a rocking chair. "It all depends on what I can do in the next four weeks." "I wish you'd let me help." Jim sat down on the couch. Lise's mood altered subtly; she was no longer relaxed. She'd shifted to Lieutenant Benet--cool and controlled. "Thank you, but no." "What if you get into trouble, Lise? You need someone to back you up, to--" "I can take care of myself." "Like you did when you were turned in?" "I did all right." Her manner grew colder by the second. She stood, walked restlessly to the window, stared out. "If you call getting out with only a few scars and a little post-traumatic stress 'all right,' then yeah, you did all right," Jim shot back sarcastically. *Dammit, why does she have to be so in control? Why can't she admit she's scared? I can see it in her eyes.* And he decided to tell her exactly that. Lise wouldn't listen. "You don't understand, Jim. Control has probably saved my life more times than I can count. At first, it's something you have to think about all the time, but after a while, it becomes a habit." "That habit may cost you Tim." "At least he'll be safe." "He doesn't want to be safe, Lise, he wants to be with you." Lise was surprised at Brody's outburst, and his words stung, because she knew they were true. Her control slipping, she shot back angrily, "Maybe when you find someone you really love, Jim, you'll understand how you can let that person go _because_ you love--" It was more than Jim Brody could bear. Jumping up from the couch, he went to Lise at the window, grabbed her arms, forced her to look at him. "Don't tell me I don't know what it's like, Lise. Not when every time I look at you, I think about waking up next to you for the rest of my life, about lying beside you in the dark and hearing you breathe. I think of how much I want to look into your eyes as I make love to you--" He broke off abruptly, watching the awareness grow in Lise's face. Then he kissed her. Not the way he'd kissed her a week ago. This kiss held all the passion, all the deep longing Jim had hidden away behind the tough officer facade. And Lise responded. Hesitantly at first, then with a fire she'd never felt before as Jim let her arms go, held her to him so tightly she could barely breathe. But although Lise felt passion here with Jim, there was something she didn't feel. She pulled back, crying freely now. "Oh Jim, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I thought you were just being charming Jim Brody, I had no idea..." "How could you when I didn't even know until I saw you and Tim together?" he said, his eyes already showing that he knew how this would end. Still he had to ask, had to hear her _say_ it. "But Lise, for a moment, you felt it too, didn't you?" Lise nodded as another tear trickled down her cheek. "I felt it. And for a moment, I thought I could show myself I didn't _need_ him, that it was only because he'd been there for me. But I was wrong." Lise stepped away from Jim, struggling to find the words that would explain her feelings, yet give him the least possible pain. "All my life, Jim, I've had this idea that when God put me together, he left something out. It's like there's this space inside my chest, and it's so empty it aches. And nothing has ever filled it until I met Tim. It's like he's that piece of me I've spent twenty-six years trying to find. For a moment, just now, when you kissed me, I thought maybe it could be the same with you. But Jim, it's not." Brody nodded. "I didn't think so." "Jim, I never meant to cause you pain, I'd do anything rather than hurt you." Trying not to be bitter about it, Jim smiled weakly. "At least in that you treat me the way you do Tim." Stricken by Jim's words, Lise stared at him, speechless. "Lise, will you at least stop trying to protect us and let us help you? Even if I'll never be your lover, I still want to be your friend." Her throat tight, Lise replied, "I don't know, Jim. You've...taught me a lot tonight. I have to think about this. I've never let my friends take a risk for me before. I don't--I don't know if I can." Jim realized there was nothing more he could say just then. "I'll talk to you later then, Lise." "When do you go back to _seaQuest_?" "Tuesday." She nodded. "I'm sure we'll talk before then." Opening the door, Jim was at a loss for words. "See you," he said simply as he left Lise alone with her thoughts. *** It was nine o'clock and Jim Brody didn't really want to be alone. As he jammed his hands into his pockets and started walking, he felt a piece of paper there. He pulled it out--Christine's phone number. They'd talked Friday night until Wayfarers closed, then went to the all-night movieplex and watched comedies, then out to lunch. Christine had been fun, and she was definitely...encouraging. Jim just hadn't been at his best that night. But now he needed to forget the past hour, so he called Christine and asked if he could come over. Christine was happy to see him when he rang her doorbell half an hour later. *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 09:35:48 -0500 (CDT) Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 07:33:31 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (10/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/204 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-Proc-type: 3 *** Tuesday, May 10, 2022 In a foul temper, Jim Brody waited for his airplane. He'd spent every hour he could with Christine. Including the nights. He only went back to the temporary quarters each morning to shower, shave, and change, and again each evening to change out of his uniform. There'd been a couple of voice mails from Lise. She'd sounded hesitant but said she wanted to talk. He ignored them, angry--mostly at himself--that he felt like he was betraying Lise by being with Christine. And then, this morning, Jim's anger had overcome him and he'd picked a fight with Christine before he left. Already, just a few hours later, he couldn't remember what they'd fought about. All he could remember was a sense of loss. Now that he knew what it was like to really love someone, he knew that what he had with Chrstine wasn't love. It was funny, because before Lise, he'd probably have thought it was. Finally, his flight was called and he moved for the gate. "Jim?" came a hesitant voice behind him. It was Lise. Clad in her khaki uniform, she was pale, though it looked like she'd at least been remembering to eat. The shadows beneath her eyes were darker. It was probably sleep she'd given up now. "Where are you headed?" Lise asked. "San Francisco. Then a shuttle. _seaQuest_ is in the Pacific right now." Lise nodded. "I've been trying to get hold of you." The second call came for Jim's flight. "I know," he said quickly. "I've been...busy." "Jim, they're sending me to Haiti for a few days to translate at some diplomatic talks. I'll get in touch as soon as I'm back." She stopped, started to say more, stopped again. Shook her head as if to clear it. "Look, I know I have no right to ask you this. But please, would you just give Tim a message for me?" Brody nodded. He hadn't been able to change his own feelings any more than he'd been able to change Lise's. He'd still do anything for her. "Just...tell him I _do_ trust him, okay?" "Okay." The final call came. Jim had to leave. Awkwardly, Lise waved goodbye. *** Saturday, May 14, 2022 "When did she say she'd be back, Jim?" Tim asked. Jim shrugged, just as he had every other time Tim asked. Ever since he'd delivered Lise's message the first time he could get Tim alone--Wednesday evening--Tim had obviously been trying not to badger him. But waiting wasn't doing either of them any good. Then something happened that took their minds off Lise for a while. Commander Scott Keller's image appeared to those who'd known him on _seaQuest_. *** Home never looked so good, Lise thought as her plane touched down in New Cape Quest. She went straight to her office--the office that, one way or another, she planned to be out of by the end of the month--even though it was Saturday afternoon. When she tried to get a vidlink established with _seaQuest_, all Lise got was an "unavailable" message. She asked the administrative assistant, "Are we having technical problems with the vidlinks?" "Not that I know of, Ma'am." Lise thought it over for a few minutes, then called Benson's office. Saturday or not, she knew he'd be there--he seemed to have no outside interests lately. Cam had opted out of field work, his trip to fetch her being an exception. He was in his element keeping tabs on the whereabouts of UEO vessels. "Cam, where's _seaQuest_ right now?" "Last check had them in the Tonga Trench. Why?" "I've been trying to get hold of them and I just get the 'unavailable' sign." "I'll check again." "Thanks." Lise waited, listening to Benson typing. She heard his sharp intake of breath. "Cam? What's up?" "I'm not sure, Lise. Meet me in Graves' office, okay?" *** "How could a sub the size of _seaQuest_ simply disappear?" Graves said impatiently. "You're sure she's not just destroyed?" Lise went pale--_just_ destroyed? Benson shook his head. "No, Sir. Even if she were blown up, there'd still be a transmitter signal and a residual reactor signature. There's nothing at all. _seaQuest_ is gone." *** Interim They spent the next two weeks diligently searching for _seaQuest_. No trace was found. Grieving, Lise went home on leave at the end of May, although she had rescinded her resignation and demanded to be sent back into the field. Her family noticed the change in Lise. Though she'd never been one to show her emotions much, now she was positively withdrawn. But when Lise, her parents and her cousin were listening to some very old records one evening and Lise ran from the room, crying, when she heard "Prelude to a Kiss", they became seriously worried. Her cousin volunteered to talk to her--being in the Navy, and having been through hazardous duty himself, maybe he could help. When he saw Lise crying on her bed, just the way she had when she was a little girl and he left for the Academy, he thought Lise hadn't changed much. Until he looked in her eyes and saw the deep sorrow there. Lise told him everything--her capture and imprisonment. Her time on _seaQuest_ and how she'd fallen in love with one of the officers there. And that _seaQuest_ had disappeared with all hands. Just as they'd done years ago, they swore to each other that they'd never give up until they knew what had happened to _seaQuest_. They stared solemnly at each other as the CD Lise was playing gave voice to their thoughts: "Until the stars fall from the sky, until I find a reason why--and darling, as the years go by--until there's no tears left to cry, until the angels close my eyes, and even if we're worlds apart, I'll find my way back to you by heart." *** ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe Resent-date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 18:15:46 -0500 (CDT) Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 16:12:20 -0700 Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: Vicky & Bob Subject: (sQ-ff) "Fear of Falling" (11/11) Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaquest-ff Reply-to: bvashyde X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/207 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org X-MIME-Autoconverted: from 8bit to quoted-printable by stgenesis.org id SAA09453 X-Proc-type: 3 *** 2032 It wasn't until _seaQuest_ was doing escort duty at the Perseid Mining colony that her crew had a chance to really get oriented to the new world around them. The stress of their reappearances, the physicals, getting the boat back in the water--it all kept them from even being able to contact their families at first. Then they were off to Nexus. After that, there was training on the new technology _seaQuest_ was being retrofitted with, and the whole mess with Larry Deon and his iceberg. But now, those who had returned with _seaQuest_ had time to reestablish their connections with the world and find out how they fit in. None of them found it easy. Some found it very difficult indeed. They'd been a week at Perseid when Brody heard from Christine. When he found out he had a son. As he tried to deal with the shock of this news, Jim suddenly realized Tim hadn't mentioned Lise at all since their return. He cornered O'Neill in the Crew's Mess. "Well?" Brody demanded. "Well, what?" O'Neill returned passively. "Have you called her yet?" "Called _who_, Jim? My mother? I think she'd have been more comfortable if I'd stayed dead." Exasperated, Brody blurted out, "No. Don't be stupid. Have you called Lise?" Long silence. Then Tim shook his head. "I haven't dared to. She's probably married by now. Maybe she's even a mother." "I don't believe this. I do _not_ believe this." "What?!" "You two had something together that most of us only dream of and you're giving up on it!" O'Neill was getting angry now. Didn't Brody understand how much he wanted to talk to Lise? But it wasn't simple any more. "What do you expect me to do?" Tim asked. "For us it's been only a couple of months. But for her it's been ten years. Besides, by now she'd have heard that _seaQuest_'s back. She hasn't tried to get in touch with me, so I don't think she's interested." Shaking his head, Brody thought that ten years in stasis had done nothing for O'Neill's self-confidence. "Don't you want to _know_?" Very quietly, Tim said, "Of course I do." And Brody did too. So after they ate, they went to Tim's quarters and nervously searched the databases for Lise's phone number. If she had one, it was unlisted. And apparently, she'd given up the apartment; her mail was to be sent to the UEO's APO address. The only personnel file they had clearance for yielded little information: "Benet, Elise Marie, Commander, Section Seven." If she was a commander now, Lise obviously hadn't resigned at the end of that May. Now that Tim had begun searching for Lise, he couldn't stop until he knew more about her life over the past ten years. He and Brody went in search of Lucas Wolenczak. Lucas wasn't inclined to be helpful at first, when they asked if he'd do a little hacking for them. He was tired and out of sorts from doing a diagnostic by hand that would have been easy by computer. He couldn't believe Hudson had ordered him to do it that way. But when Tim explained just who they were looking for, Lucas relented. He'd seen Tim and Lise that night at Wayfarers. It took even Lucas a while to get into Lise's service record. Leaning over his shoulders, Brody and O'Neill read it over. "Well, she _definitely_ didn't resign." "No. Looks more like she went back out in the field after her leave." "Look at all those commendations. Her jacket wouldn't be big enough to wear all that ribbon on." "Well, it's no wonder. Look at that comment--she took the most hazardous assignments she could get." "Lucas, scroll down to the last entry. See what it says." But the record ended with Lise's promotion to commander a couple of years ago. "That's it?" Brody exclaimed. "What about her current status?" There was no indication whether Lise was still in Section Seven, or even in the Navy. It was Tim who came up with the next idea. "Try Benson. I'll bet he'd know where to find Lise." But Cameron Benson's file was, in its way, even more surprising than Lise's. Brody and O'Neill had been sitting impatiently on Lucas' bunk while he worked his way into the file. "My God!" Lucas exclaimed. The other two were at his side in an instant. "What is it?" asked Tim. "Benson's in Verdome." In shocked silence, the three of them read the file. Benson had been convicted of treason in 2024. Apparently, he'd been selling UEO information to the highest bidder since 2018. The primary evidence against Benson had come from…Lise Benet. And one of the counts Benson was guilty of was betraying Lise to the Montagnards. Aghast, O'Neill looked at Brody. "No wonder Lise lied to Graves that night." Brody nodded solemnly. "But we still don't know what's happened to her." Thoughtfully, Lucas said, "There's one or two more things I can try. But I'd rather not have you guys hanging around while I do. I'll call you if it works." "Promise not to read it till we get here, though," Tim said. "Yeah, yeah," Lucas replied, already staring at his screen. Quietly, they left. *** It took him two hours, but Lucas was able to live up to his ace-hacker reputation. Brody and O'Neill rushed over to his quarters as soon as they heard. "I thought maybe if I got into Section Seven's case files and did a cross match search with her name, I might be able to get something," Wolenczak said. "It wasn't easy. They were buried pretty deep. I had to—" "Lucas, just show us the file," Brody said with exaggerated patience. Nodding, Lucas hit a few keys. There was a picture of Lise as of her last promotion. The left side of her mouth still curved up more than the right; the scar on her jaw had faded. She didn't look 34. It was a good picture, and Tim's heart thumped. He had no pictures of Lise except the ones in his head. This made her suddenly seem real again. Tim was so wrapped up in gazing at Lise that he forgot to read. "No," Brody said desperately. "Oh, dear God, no." And Tim remembered that Jim had maybe felt more than just friendship for Lise, too. "What?" Tim said, catching Jim's panic and quickly skimming over the file. Lise had been sent out nine months ago to the Andaman Sea and the free trade zone there. Three months later she missed a scheduled contact with headquarters. Nothing had been heard of Lise since. The final entry read: "Missing in action. Presumed dead." *** They all felt a little bit older and wiser when they left Perseid. It seemed like everyone on the boat had learned something new despite the boredom of doing escort duty. That boredom was quickly replaced by the excitement of the near-wreck of the Omni Pacific. Once that disaster had been averted, _seaQuest_ did a stint in the North Atlantic. Then they got the call. They were ordered to the Mediterranean, to rendezvous with a contact for Section Seven who would give them the details of their next mission. "How will we recognize our contact?" Oliver Hudson asked. "Your contact will recognize you," was the terse response. At the appointed hour, Hudson waited irritably for their contact to arrive. The only vessel in the area was a little one-man Spindrift craft. *Great,* Hudson thought. *Section Seven's going to be all over us because they'll have a witness to the rendezvous.* Then the Spindrift pilot called them--audio only. "_seaQuest_, prepare to take my craft aboard. I'm your contact." *** Hudson waited irritably in the Wardroom with Brody and Ford for J.J. Fredericks to escort their…guest…in. Henderson, Piccolo and Wolenczak rushed in and took their places at the table as Hudson and Brody paced. O'Neill was to be there too, but had remained on the Bridge to confirm to headquarters that the rendezvous had happened. Fredericks brought the person in. It appeared to be one of the Spindrift folk, but age and even gender were obscured by the hooded cloak and scarves she--he?--wore. Brody speculated that the person might be rather old, given his--her?--diminutive size. As the person surveyed the room, looking about and beginning to remove the scarves swathed around her (*I _think_ it's a woman*, Jim thought) head, Brody caught a glimpse of brilliant blue. Blue he hadn't seen since… "Oliver!" she exclaimed as she dropped the hood from her face and ran to give the captain a hug. He swung her off her feet and around in a circle as he hugged her back. "Lise!" Brody and Wolenczak exchanged shocked glances across the room--Lise was _here_, alive! But how did she and Hudson know each other--Lise couldn't be another of Hudson's old flames like Elaine Morse, surely. "You have had me _so_ worried about you," Hudson started in on her. "Next time you plan to disappear, Tigger, at least give me a forwarding address!" Tigger? Brody couldn't believe it. Hudson was Lise's favorite cousin? _Hudson_? *That explains why I keep thinking he looks familiar. I saw his photo in Lise's apartment.* Lise looked around her. "When they told me I'd know the rendezvous when I saw it, I had no idea they meant _seaQuest_. How did you find her?" Hudson grimaced. "I promised you I'd find her, but it's a long story, Tigger. And for now it'll have to wait." Hudson visibly shifted gears, back to the all-business captain. "Do you know everyone here?" Smiling warmly, Lise responded, "Yes, I do. You've all withstood the years very well…" Lise greeted each in turn--a handshake from Ford, a hug from Lonnie, and from Piccolo. Lucas started off with a handshake, but ended with a hug, too. A high five and a complicated handshake for Fredericks…*They must know each other fairly well,* Brody thought. Then Lise stood before him. "Jim," was all she could say, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. "I can't believe this is real. We've searched every ocean on this planet, and here you are." They stood staring at each other for a moment more, then, as if on cue, reached for each other and embraced. "God, Lise, we thought you were dead," Brody said. "Your service records--" "And that's exactly why they say what they say. I'm in _very_ deep this time." "Still trying to protect your friends?" "My friends disappeared ten years ago, Jim. This time, it was to protect the UEO." Lise looked around her again. There were faces missing from the group. "Where's Miguel?" Brody shook his head. "He didn't come back. Neither did Wendy." And as Lise drew breath to ask the final question, the important question, it was answered for her. O'Neill entered the room, carrying a SEAPOC and nearly tripping over the doorsill in his haste. "Sorry I'm late, Sir, I had to confirm to three different people that--" He broke off, realizing just who was standing there beside Brody. The SEAPOC clattered, unheeded, to the floor. Stunned, he was barely able to breathe out her name. And that was all there was time for, as Hudson asked Lise to begin the briefing. The meeting went smoothly, given the turmoil within several of its participants. Their target was a remote communications station on the Macronesian border. The mission was to go in, download the encryption codes from the station computers, upload a virus, and get out without leaving any fingerprints. Seemed simple enough. "Headquarters didn't tell me who I'd be taking with me. But this'll be easy. Lucas, you've got four days to prepare the virus--" she tossed him a data disk. "Here's the specs. Lonnie, you'll pilot the assault craft, Jim and Tony'll provide cover if we need it, and I'll be the tour guide." It was an odd choice of words, and Lise, surveying the raised eyebrows in the room, explained. "I've been in and out of there half a dozen times now. I know when they run security patrols. I know when they bring maintenance teams in." "But why not just destroy it?" Piccolo asked. "Once we have the encryption codes, we can listen in on Macronesia's transmissions. If we're lucky, we'll get some good intelligence. If not," she shrugged, "we'll know a lot about a lot of people's private lives. But either way, if they don't know we were ever there, they won't bother to change anything." "And the virus?" Ford asked. "It's a watchdog. It'll alert us whenever they change the codes." *** By the time the meeting broke up, it was time for dinner. But Hudson thwarted any plans Lise or Tim might have had--he took Lise off with him. He wanted to fill her in on just how _seaQuest_ had been found. Thinking it over, Hudson decided it must be Brody Lise had meant when she'd told him about her time on _seaQuest_. The way Brody had looked at her, the look on Lise's face. Ever since he'd taken command of the boat, Oliver had been trying to figure it out. Brody seemed like such a ladies' man, though. Still, if Lise saw something in him, then there was undoubtedly something there. *** Once again, late in the evening, O'Neill had the sudden urge to go to Seadeck and visit Darwin. And, once again, there was Lise. She'd brought no uniform with her, had nothing on her little boat that indicated any connection with UEO, so she was wearing jeans and a silk shirt. The shirt was a deep indigo blue that so perfectly matched her eyes... and suddenly, Tim was as nervous as he was when they had first met. "Tim! I hoped you'd come. Oliver finally finished telling me what happened to _seaQuest_. It's incredible." He sat down on the deck next to Darwin's pool. Darwin idly swam around, but said nothing. "Don't let the captain hear you calling him 'Oliver.' He's a stickler for protocol." Lise nodded. "Gets it from his mother; she's pretty stuffy. Not exactly my favorite aunt." It took Tim a moment, but when he understood what Lise had said, he about fell into the pool. "You mean Captain Hudson's your _cousin_?!" Laughing at the look on his face, Lise confirmed it. "Yes. The one who taught me how to swim, how to cuss, how to love good books, and how to trust my gut." As Lise was speaking, Hudson entered the room. "I did _not_ teach you how to cuss. Connor did." "And who taught Connor how to cuss?" Lise shot back. Hudson looked down at her, smiling. "I did." "I rest my case," Lise said smugly. "Tigger," Hudson said. "Eeyore." "Tiger." "Ass." It was obviously a long-established routine between them, because they both broke into laughter when it was done. "Okay, Tigger, I didn't come here to be abused, and I've been called an ass by far worse than you," Hudson said, smiling. "I just wanted to see if you'd settled into your quarters okay." Shaking her head, Lise said, "I'm sleeping on my boat, Oliver." "That tiny little thing? There's no bunk in there. It's so small you have to move the pilot seat to open the door to the head." Feigning seriousness, Lise said, "It's all your fault. You're the one who showed me how much fun sleeping in a hammock in the barn was. I'm a hammock addict." They laughed again. Tim was astonished at the change in Hudson; he'd laughed more in five minutes than he had the entire time he'd been on _seaQuest_. This new version of Hudson was one O'Neill felt like he could maybe get along with. He wondered how long it would last. Just as quickly, though, Hudson became serious. "I've been worried about you, Lise. You've pushed yourself way too hard these past few years. When this job's over, think about taking a rest, okay? After all, the reason to be out there is gone now. _seaQuest_ has been found." "I may be able to stop searching, Oliver. But Macronesia's not going to go away. We'll just have to count these few days before we hit the communication station as my R and R." She deliberately tried to sound cheerful. "And, since I'm on vacation, I'm sure you'll understand when I ask you to leave us alone. Tim and I have some catching up to do." Hudson hadn't even realized it was O'Neill sitting there beside the moonpool. He hadn't really looked to see who was with Lise, had just assumed it would be Brody. "Mister O'Neill," he said, acknowledging Tim's presence. "Lise, have you been able to talk with...the person you told me about?" He didn't want to name names, not with O'Neill sitting there. "Well, Oliver, I'm trying to do that right now, but it'll be a lot easier if you'll get out of here. I don't need you to chaperone me anymore, you know." Despite O'Neill's presence, Hudson couldn't resist teasing his cousin. It was too long a habit to break it now. "You watch it, girl, or I'll call your parents and tell them you're dragging me and my boat into trouble..." "See me tremble!" "I'll tell them who shot Uncle Jason's living room window with the .22..." "I told them it was me a week after I did it." "I'll--" "You'll leave, Oliver. Before I have to beat you up." Lise did her best to look threatening. Hudson headed for the door. "You have no respect for authority, Lise. I'm the captain on this vessel, and you're trying to boss me around." "You're a very perceptive man, Oliver Hudson. See you later." Lise went over and gave him a gentle push out the door. "Sorry about that," she said, turning back to Tim. "He's the only one in the family who knows what I've been doing, and it's been hard on him." "What _have_ you been doing, Lise? Lucas had to do a major hack to find your records, and they say you're MIA." "Technically I am. I disappeared so I could join the Spindrift folk. I'm a smuggler and a nomad, but you'd be amazed the information you can find when people think your presence isn't worth their notice." Tim shook his head. "Things have changed so much. I wonder if I'll ever catch up." He wondered if Lise's feelings had changed. She'd had ten years, after all. And apparently, they hadn't been easy ones. Lise's thoughts were running along a similar track. She'd never given up on finding Tim, but he was unchanged, and she'd seen so much. She was 36 now, several years older than he was, and although she knew she didn't look her age, the fact of it remained. Awkwardly, Lise sat down beside Tim and reached for his hand. And in that instant of contact there was the same tingle, the same spark, they'd had ten years ago. She'd forgotten how it had felt, she'd been without him for so long. There hadn't been a day that Lise hadn't cursed herself for letting Tim go, for losing the chance they might have had. But gradually, she'd begun to forget just why it had been so important to her, what it was about Tim that made her miss him so much. She only knew that she _did_ miss him. But now, in a rush, it was as if Lise, too, had spent those years in stasis, just marking time until Tim's return. *** To be continued in "Reciprocity". ----- "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, butamong those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." (W.H. Auden) ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe