Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 06:04:09 -0500 From: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> Subject: [sQ-ff] Xmas special #3/3 Sender: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> To: "INTERNET:seaquest-ff@stg" Reply-to: seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Delivered-to: mailing list seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Mailing-List: contact seaquest-ff-help@stgenesis.org; run by ezmlm Christmas Special #3 For disclaimers see #1 As Lucas and his captor arrived back in Lucas’ cabin the door opened and Tim O’Neill put his head inside. He saw Tony and Jimmy Olsen asleep together in the bottom bunk and turned an interesting shade of beetroot red, stammering “Oh! Excuse me! I thought I heard a noise, but I guess I didn’t. Forget I was here. Not that you saw me. Being asleep and all. I’ll go now.” Lucas’ shouted warning was too late to prevent the interdimensional traveller pressing the barrel of her gun against O’Neill’s head and so ‘encouraging’ him to come inside and join the party. She looked at him speculatively. “You know,” she said, “you remind me of someone. Which gives me an idea... First of all let’s send Mr Olsen home.” She pointed the device at the sleeping form and he vanished. “Now, if you’ll both sit down ..” Lucas and Tim sat down on the floor, hands raised. “What’s going on?” Tim asked “No, no questions, we’ve already done ‘explaining the plot’ - you’ll catch up. Now wait there...” She pressed a button on the interdimensional device and vanished, reappearing a nanosecond later with O’Neill’s double. The two O’Neills stared at each other for a second, the real O’Neill in his jumpsuit, the double wearing what appeared to be a random collection of pots and pans, and then the traveller shot them both with the Izzard gun and they rolled together in a heap, snoring. Lucas was seized by the back of the neck and, once more, dragged between the dimensions. This time the universe had no time to materialise itself around him before he felt himself flying upwards and backwards to come to rest six inches off the ground with his back against a tree, held in place by an arm across his throat. This new threat was a striking woman in every sense: dressed only in a pair of boots, a metal breastplate and a collection of leather bookmarks, she made an impressive sight. (8) “What have you done with Joxer?” she demanded. Lucas found that, in spite of the very real possibility that he was about to be throttled, he was quite turned on by the experience. “Er, is he the guy who looks like O’Neill? Wearing a pasta strainer on his head? You aren’t going to believe this, but an interdimensional traveller kidnapped me and brought me here but her device only works if she leaves an equivalent character back on seaQuest in my place.” “A sorcerer exchanged him for you?” the woman summarised astutely. Her grip on Lucas’ throat slackened slightly but then she thought better of it and hoisted him up again. “So how do we get him back?” He tried his best heart-melting grin. “Search me.” * * * * * * So after she had turned him upside down, searched him down to the skin and demanded not only the story of his life but also a full explanation of the history, meaning and sexual inclinations of the Teletubbies, she found him what she considered some suitable clothing to wear. This consisted of a micro mini dress and a collection of leather straps which seemed to have a mind of their own. He began to see why that Joxer guy considered it necessary to cover his modesty with kitchenware. Still, thank heavens for stout black underwear which, he couldn’t help noticing, appeared to be standard issue for _everyone_. The woman had decided to go and search for the “sorcerer” who had abducted this Joxer guy and left Lucas in his place. She seemed, Lucas noticed, to think it was a pretty poor exchange. Given that they were in the middle of a forest in what appeared to be an entirely pre-industrial society Lucas couldn’t see much scope for demonstrating that he did, after all, have some plot uses other than kidnappee. At present they were travelling warily along a dirt track, the woman walking alongside her horse and chatting to her blonde friend, while Lucas, trussed up like a turkey, travelled rather less comfortably slung over the saddle of the horse. Suddenly the woman drew her sword and assumed a fighting stance. The blonde lifted up the staff she was carrying and held it like a pugil stick. Lucas couldn’t see or hear any reason for the sudden change of mood at first but then - whooooosh! There were arrows flying through the air like spikes at an exploding hedgehog convention. “yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!” yelled the woman. For a moment Lucas thought that dangling upside down from a horse was confusing him but then he oriented himself and thought, no, he really had seen her levitate backwards somersaults up a tree. The fight, if you can call it that, was even more confusing from Lucas’ point of view than it would have been to someone standing upright. The blonde girl was doing a great job against half a dozen ruffians who came out of the trees but were obviously too gentlemanly to fight her more than one at a time. The levitating brunette had a great line in chopping arrows out of the air with her sword but in the end it was hopeless - there were hundreds of them and only one of her. Lucas felt a sword at his throat and the guy holding it there said “Stop or he dies.” The blonde was stupid enough to look round at this and so got grabbed too. The bad guys tried again. “Stop or SHE dies.” This seemed to be the signal for the strapping brunette to give in too - she leapt out of her tree and dropped her sword. After a few moments the two women joined Lucas trussed up on the back of the horse and the three of them were taken deeper into the forest. There they were separated and Lucas found himself tied to a fir tree in the middle of an extremely smelly and unpleasant looking, vaguely medieval war-band’s camp. It was, naturally, at this point that our friend the interdimensional traveller decided to reappear. Taking the opportunity to free themselves, the blonde woman disappeared silently into the forest. The brunette, however, crept towards the traveller while she was distracted talking to Lucas. “Now this,” she was saying, “is more like it. I take it this war-band plan to sacrifice you to their gods? Cute outfit, by the way.” Lucas flicked his hair back out of his eyes and raised his eyebrows at her sardonically but said nothing. “I’m kind of torn - should I let them play it out to the end, lurid tortures and all, given that it won’t have any lasting effect, or shall we move on to the next experience?” Suddenly Lucas’ face brightened. “I get it!” he said excitedly “It’s a Christmas special! I must have been mean to someone, or not been cheerful enough about it being Christmas. Or - oh please don’t tell me the “real” Santa Claus is somewhere on seaQuest incognito? But we’ve done the spirit of Christmas present, and this is Christmas past... OK, OK, I get it, I give in. Take me to Tiny Tim’s house - I’ll reform. I DO believe in Santa Claus, honest. No need to go through all that ‘Christmas yet to come’ stuff” She raised the interdimensional device but at that nanosecond the brunette leapt on her, aiming for the device which she had intuitively recognised as the key to retrieving Joxer. And then the traveller and the brunette were gone... ...and there we leave Lucas, tied to a tree in the middle of a forest. So be sure, when you’ve opened the last of your presents, that you check CAREFULLY whether there’s anything left under the tree. And as for Xena’s adventures on seaQuest, well, that’s another story! Gawd bless us, every one. (8) (7) It’s Xena. Doh! (8) As Tiny Tim would say. Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 06:04:04 -0500 From: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> Subject: [sQ-ff] Xmas special #2/3 Sender: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> To: "INTERNET:seaquest-ff@stg" Reply-to: seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Delivered-to: mailing list seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Mailing-List: contact seaquest-ff-help@stgenesis.org; run by ezmlm Christmas Special #2 For disclaimers see #1 The elevator doors opened and Lucas saw an open-plan office with several people busily working away on computer terminals. A tall man in glasses and a well cut suit looked up and said: “Can I help you, son?” “Er - I’m not sure.” “Come over here and have a seat. Tell me all about it. My name’s Clark Kent, by the way... and you’re?” “Lucas Wolanczek. I’m from seaQuest.” Kent looked blank.(2) “Look, I was on a submarine. This woman turned up out of nowhere, said she was an interdimensional traveller and that she was going to take me to another universe to see me suffer. Oh yea, and she said she had to leave someone from there behind while I was here. You haven’t missed a kid about my age, jeans and a leather jacket, name of Jimmy?” A woman who had been listening to Lucas’ story reached over to an empty desk and picked up a framed photograph of some kind of celebration. There were four people in the photograph, three men in tuxes and the woman. One of the men was Kent, one was a fatherly man in his fifties and the other... “Yea, that’s him.” Lucas agreed. “Jimmy? What’s happened to him?” she asked. “The last I saw of him he was bound and gagged, unconscious, on a bunk with my roommate.” Lois and Clark boggled at this but, moving swiftly to crush any suggestion of homoerotic subtext, Lucas explained about the Izzard gun. “Oh!” they chorused, enlightened. Kent sat down at a computer terminal and, hesitantly, began to type. “I wonder if there’s anything in Jimmy’s computer - he’s our resident computer expert, Lucas -” “Er, I know a thing or two about computers...” “You really are equivalent characters then.” mused the woman. “Oh, I should introduce myself. Lois Lane. I’m a reporter. This is the Daily Planet. The newspaper?” “Sorry,” Lucas said, taking over from Kent and typing away, “never heard of it. Different universes and all that. Actually...” he looked up from the screen long enough to catch Kent’s eye “... can you direct me to the men’s room? Interdimensional travelling really makes you want to go-” While Lucas was in the men’s room Lois and Clark had a brief plot conference, deciding that (i) Lucas was probably a good guy (ii) Jimmy would be all right in the end (iii) The best way to rescue Jimmy would be for Superman to return Lucas home to his own dimension but neither of them had any idea how to do that. (iv) Although no doubt there would be something in the computer records (v) Or Dr Klein would think of something (vi) Or someone else. (vii) Or something. They also dealt with a few relationship points, concluding that (a) they were both people people, and, as such, (being people who need people) were the luckiest people in the world (b) sweetie pie loves honeybunch (3) Meanwhile, in the men’s room, Lucas was running some cold water into the sink and looking at himself in the mirror in that pointless way that people do on TV because they can’t show what they _really_ do in there. Suddenly there was a menacing chuckle and a white gloved hand came out of the plug-hole and grabbed Lucas by the wrist. Someone started to sing: Let’s sink the seaQuest again. Let’s sink the seaQuest again. (4) Lucas desperately struggled against the grip on his wrist. The singer gurgled and then said “Calling yourself Lucas Wolanczek, now, are you, boy? I knew we’d meet again. Didn’t grow up to be John Boy Walton after all, did you?” (5) “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let me go!” But the sinister clown was pulling himself, impossibly, out of the plug hole and manifesting himself as an extraordinary sight: a full white-face clown wearing fishnets, a basque and stilettos. He put back his head and roared, displaying filed and pointed teeth. Remembering what Jimmy had shouted when he had freed himself from the gag and, thinking, what the heck, Lucas opened his mouth and yelled "Superman! Help! Superman" Something happened. It is hard to recount what it was because, to Lucas, it was as though someone had stopped a film running, painted in a red blur, and then restarted the film at another scene. Deducing quickly what must actually have happened, Lucas realised that someone moving at superhuman speed had plucked him away from the sinister clown and deposited him in the street outside. A large muscular man wearing blue tights and red underwear was now standing over him. "Thank you" Lucas said "er - Superman I presume?" Lois arrived on the run. “What happened?” “Miss Lane: something very odd was happening in the mens room. What looked like a white-face clown in a basque was attacking Lucas.” “A clown?” “In a basque, yes. Er, maybe you shouldn’t put that in your newspaper.” It had taken him a moment but Lucas finally got it. “Hey - you’re Clark Kent. Why are you going around with your underwear outside your trousers?” “You recognised him???” Lois said in a furious whisper. “It took me three years and I still didn’t get it.” “He’s from another universe, remember? Maybe that’s it. Lucas, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention the secret identity thing to anyone else. Oh, and by the way, speaking of underwear...” Lucas blushed as he realised he was still dressed in the teletubby boxers (6) and t-shirt he had been sleeping in. “No sweat. Hey, does this guy Jimmy know?” “No.” *Hah!* thought Lucas triumphantly. *We may be equivalent characters but I’m smarter than he is, anyway.*(7) At that moment the mysterious interdimensional traveller appeared, pointing her Izzard gun at Lois and Superman. “That’s enough plot,” she said, “this was supposed to be a ‘Lucas suffers interestingly’ scenario but it’s not working for me.” Superman looked sternly at her. “What’s happened to Jimmy Olsen?” She fired the gun. Superman was hit full face with the blast but, as you would expect, it seemed to have no effect. “Hmm,” said the mysterious traveller seizing Lucas by the arm and producing her interdimensional device again “I _thought_ I had it set on ‘red kryptonite’ but I guess...” Superman was clutching his forehead and looking mildly confused. “Gee, I could really use a tuna bagel,” he was muttering. “...I must still have it set on ‘obsessive interest in fish’” The world dissolved. Again. (2) Since I understand seaQuest and Lois and Clark were originally aired in the States simultaneously on different channels it follows that the inhabitants of either universe could not have known anything about the existence of the other. Well, that’s no stupider than the usual excuses for people not knowing about the existence of Superman. (3) I know, I know, but is it any more puke-making than the series actually became? (4) To the tune of the Timewarp, from the Rocky Horror Show, obviously. Look, it’s Tim Curry down there, OK??? (5) As a child actor, JB was in Stephen King’s It - where the children were attacked by a sinister clown played by Tim Curry which came at them through the water system - and his character was played as a grown up by the actor who played John Boy Walton. Doh! (6) If teletubbies haven’t made it to the States yet (although someone told me they were on PBS) just forget it: it’s a programme for pre-school children also allegedly very popular with students and people taking recreational pharmaceuticals. (7) Not that that would be difficult. Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 06:03:58 -0500 From: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> Subject: [sQ-ff] Xmas special #1/3 Sender: Sheffield <106611.2713@compuserve.com> To: "INTERNET:seaquest-ff@stg" Reply-to: seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Delivered-to: mailing list seaquest-ff@stgenesis.org Mailing-List: contact seaquest-ff-help@stgenesis.org; run by ezmlm Every TV programme, sooner or later, has its Christmas special. What, I wondered, would the seaQuest’s have been like? Absolutely nothing like this little humourous story I expect. Hope you smile, but remember, humour is a very personal thing so if you don’t find this funny, er, sorry, and no offence. Cool yule, dudes. Sheffield Christmas Special Disclaimer: this is fan fiction only and all trademarks and copyrights are acknowledged. No identification with any individual or organisation is intended or should be inferred. One It was one minute to midnight on Christmas Eve, a time when the veils between different universes are thin, and anything is possible. Lucas and Tony lay asleep in their bunks and Darwin swam slowly past them, making patterns in the light reflected from the aquatubes. Suddenly there was a sound like the cracking of ice on a frozen pond and two people fell through a hole in the universe, coming to a halt only when they hit the floor of the cabin. Tony and Lucas both woke with a start and sat up but one of the figures raised a weapon and fired it and Tony immediately rolled over and fell back to sleep. Lucas swung his legs over the edge of the bunk and jumped down, raising his hands. "Who are you? What do you want?" he said. The figure moved towards him and gestured with the gun for him to turn around. As he did so he saw that the second figure was handcuffed and had his mouth stuffed with cloth. It was a boy around his own age, wearing blue jeans and a leather jacket. He was struggling to get rid of the gag and, as Lucas watched, he managed to spit out the cloth and let out a mighty yell "Superman, help - Superman!" The figure with the gun picked up the gag and stuffed it back into the boy's mouth and pushed him, still struggling fiercely, down onto the bed next to Tony. Then she raised the gun and pointed it at the boy and, in spite of Lucas yelling "no!", she fired. But it must have been an Izzard gun (1), because all that happened was the handcuffed boy lay down quietly next to Tony and began to snore. "Are you going to tell me what you want?" asked Lucas nervously. Something was clearly going on which was quite out of the ordinary. No-one had come running to look at what was happening to cause the shouting and no-one seemed to have detected the firing of the extraordinary weapon. Things were clearly not as they should be in the seaQuest universe. "I'm your Christmas ELF: so, obviously, what I want is you, Lucas." Lucas looked disbelievingly at the figure: "Excuse me? Christmas elf?" "That's E L F - EvilLucasFan - not some pointy eared Santa's helper but someone who enjoys watching you suffer. You _are_ going to suffer for me, aren't you, Lucas?" "Do I have a choice?" Lucas was held at gunpoint, his friends unable to help him, his only potential ally unconscious, and a mysterious inter-dimensional traveller was telling him she wanted him to suffer: this looked like a "Lucas suffers" scenario to him! "OK, I'm the bad guy, obviously, and I understand all about bad guy etiquette. So at this point I will explain the plot to you so that the reader knows what's going on and, of course, so that you can do your best to thwart my evil intent." "Er, can you run the thing about the reader past me again?" Lucas asked. "Ah, I should have explained, this is only fan fiction, not cannon, so anything that happens to you over the next few days doesn't have any lasting effect. I can turn you into a bulimic, a Navy Seal, a vampire... just about anything I like, but when the story is over you go back to being yourself." Lucas was finding all this incomprehensible, as well as vaguely threatening, and so had on his sullen "if I don't look at you it isn't happening" face, refusing to meet his captor's gaze, in that pose which meant his hair flopped rather attractively over his eyes. "Whatever" he said sulkily. His captor smiled and carried on. "I have obtained an interdimensional transporter and I intend to remove you from the seaQuest universe to see if you suffer just as beautifully in another universe. The only requirement of the device is that I leave an equivalent character behind whenever I take you away. So Jimmy here is going to replace you for a while, just long enough for us to visit his universe. I've set the Izzard gun on "roll over and go to sleep" so he and Tony should both be out cold until we come back. No-one gets hurt, no-one suffers - except you of course." "Of course." Darwin hammered against the aquatubes with his snout and they heard him over the vocoder saying "Lucas in trouble. Bad person try take Lucas away. Darwin get help." The woman raised the Izzard gun, fiddled quickly with the settings, and fired it at the dolphin. "No!" Lucas yelled "What are you doing!" "Don't worry Lucas, I set it on "obsessive interest in fish" so he will simply forget about doing his Lassie impression and we can get out of here. Remember, no-one suffers except you." Lucas watched as Darwin swam quickly away and, over the vocoder, they heard him mutter "Fish, fish, more fish, where are all the fish?" The woman took a small device from her pocket and pressed a button. Lucas saw the cabin apparently dissolve around him and, when the universe reassembled itself, he was standing in a small wood panelled room, apparently an elevator. (more follows in part 2...) (1) I've stolen the idea for the Izzard gun from Eddie Izzard. I'm not sure how well known Eddie Izzard is in the States, but he's a British alternative comedian who does an extremely funny set about the phasers on Star trek where he muses about why they should only have two settings, kill and stun. There ought, he argues, to be something else. How about phasers on "bit of a limp" or phasers on "sudden interest in botany" - bad guys run towards the crew who fire phasers on "sudden interest in botany" and the bad guys break off their attack to look at the flowers growing by their feet. In this case you should imagine the Izzard gun can "fire" pretty much any emotional state I want it to.