Date: Sat, 04 Apr 1998 01:43:30 +0800 From: JSA Subject: Kimura's Log Sender: owner-tales@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu X-Sender: jsa@curricula.net To: tales@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.3 (32) >From around September 1996 to March 1997, Rachel Brody and I tried to simulate the "communications" between Tim and Kimura. The following log entry is Kimura's last log before defecting, set right before "Weapons of War." J *** Tim/Kimura Communications Kimura's Log *** Personal Log Lt. Commander Heiko Kimura Base 17, Chaodai Territory ::start log:: Today. It ends today. This shall be my last entry. It is too dangerous to leave any signs, any clues as to my plans or my destination so as soon as I finish I will irrevocably delete everything. Every letter, bit of stolen data. But I have risked so much already these past months that this last transgression no longer seems significant. Perhaps it does not truly matter for after tonight I shall be free. Or I shall be dead. What is important now is that I make no mistakes, and that I not lose sight of my goal -- that I not falter in doing what must be done. I have not thought beyond today. It seemed such a foolish plan, such a remote possibility. Yet here it is, a way out. This chance, this window, this meeting. But then why am I still writing here instead of obliterating all traces, all the files of this operation? They must be destroyed. Everything depends on them not being able to find me in time. The information must be passed, that is all that matters. The world must know. I shall not be able to stop them from here, and not alone. I will need others. I will need weapons. I will need the UEO. In the beginning I had planned to tell my superiors that it had been my plan to gull a UEO officer into spilling his secrets that I might use them for the grand scheme of the Chaodai. But would anyone who read those letters, who heard those talks believe that? It does not matter. Better they believe I am weak than suspect the truth. Better they believe that I have forgotten, that I have grown soft, that I have succumbed to the lure of---. Of what? A voice that seems so lost, and yet so wise? Of a man that has lost so much, yet still believes? Of a soul that makes me think that possibly there is more to me than the warrior, more to my life than my vengeance? No. There is my vengeance, nothing more. What else is there? I have twisted the truth so far, I have played so many roles I have forgotten everything else. If I unraveled all the lies what would I find? Nothing. My vengeance is all I have left. I must not lose sight of my purpose the way I have lost sight of the Truth. The Chaodai must be stopped. My people must be free. Surely one human heart is not too high a price to pay. Nor is one immortal soul. Not even if it must be mine. Not even if it must be his. What do I care about his soul? All I need from him is his contacts, his boat. All I need from him is his belief, his recognition of the danger. All I need from him is to spread the word that the Chaodai exist, and that they have not been still and silent all these years. All I need from this man is the beginnings of a war. What do I care about this man? This man who has everything I have ever wanted, everything I have ever lost, everything that I once held dear and refuses to recognize it? So safe behind the protection of the UEO, the love of his parents, his faith in his God and who still makes noises about having a hard life. Weak and needy and so insecure it's almost amusing. No, not weak, because in some ways he's the strongest person I know. Stronger even than I. And not so needy as having so much to give and no one who will let him. And not so insecure as he is lost. And the gods know it is so easy to get lost in this world, so easy to be thrust aside, swept away and forgotten. I am so tired. And yet who else is there? Who can I trust? What other way is open? It is up to me, and I have gone too far. I can not stop this. I will not. Not for the world, not for my life, not even for sixty more years of this useless fantasy. Yet there is a dress on my bed, a black one -- and a box holding shoes to match. And there is this strange voice inside me urging to keep the charade alive even for just a few hours longer. There is a strange urge in me to see him up close, to see him smile, to hear him laugh. To touch the hands that wrote those letters, to see his eyes light up, before they turn away from me forever. Just a few more hours, this stranger whispers, what harm could it do? It is so easy to be lost. I must not lose sight of my purpose. I must not falter. I must be stronger than I have ever been before. Strong enough to leave the relative shelter of the charade of the last twenty years and reveal myself to the Chaodai as an enemy. Strong enough to go forth into that darkness and reveal the Chaodai's ambitions to the world, to channel their anger and fear, to bend their strength and weaknesses to my purpose. Strong enough to meet his eyes, unflinching, when the truth of my being is finally revealed. Strong enough not to regret, to know what he thinks of me and still do what has to be done. To stand tall, without buckling under the weight of what could have been. Enough. It ends tonight. There is no sense in stretching this, no sense in drawing out an inevitable end. The last six months have served their purpose. Now I must serve mine. Now I must serve mine. ::end log:: Command: Delete all files under "Log" HKHD17: Are you sure? Command: Yes. Delete all files under "Tim" HKHD17: Are you sure? Command: Yes. Delete all files under "UEO" HKHD17: Are you sure? Command: Yes. Delete all files under "Chaodai" HKHD17: Are you sure? Command: Yes. Initiate initialization/reformat of "HKHD17" Command: Initiate maximum security codes Command: Shut down HKHD17: Are you sure? Command: Yes. - ******************************************************** "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." - General George Patton The Goddess of War Homepage http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1730 The ESCAPED/TALES Archive http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Zone/7124/ ********************************************************