Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:33:16 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1477] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 3 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 3 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:26:21 -0500 Gosh Muriel it's . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 3 Deanna Toxopeus October 26, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- RIOTS OVER SHOELACE THINGYS - Nibor Delhi Colony, India- Last month, Larry Deon finally cornered the market on those thingys on the end of shoelaces that really don't have a name so they're called "those thingys on the end of shoelaces." Deon decided to megaruple the prices on those thingys on the end of shoelaces which resulted in wide spread shortages throughout the world. Last night, Delhi Colony reported a violent riot of rampaging people who were breaking into shoeStores to steal those thingys on the end of shoelaces. 55 people were reported dead with 347 injured in the riots. Similar riots have broken out in Prague, East Cairo, St. Louis, Caracas, New Seoul, Dublin, Old Bangkok, Sao Paoul, Quebec Island, Baghdad, and Denver. When asked about the resulting destruction from raising the prices on those thingys on the end of shoelaces, Larry Deon commented, "I'm an Evil Corporate Mogul, what did you expect?" which was then followed by a fit of evil laughter. ***** MALES DEMAND EQUALITY - Deanna UEOHQ, San Diego Island, United Islands of California - Male UEO employees rallied outside of UEO Headquarters to demand equality with their female counterparts. According to the men at the rally, UEO Uniform Regulations are discriminatory to men. "It's not fair," said a Lt. (j.g.) O'Neill, of the UEO Flagship seaQuest. "On our last tour of duty we were allowed to dress in tanktops. Now it's long pants and shirts. Meanwhile the women get to throw away their sleeves and wear shorts. It's just as hot for the guys on a sub you know!" "How am I supposed to get in touch with my feminine side if I can't show as much skin as them," asked Cmd. Ford, also of seaQuest. "I know that some of the crew of seaQuest is far more interested in seeing my legs," said an unidentified Seaman. A lone woman was also spotted at the protest. She refused to give her name, but she was quoted as saying "I am here in solidarity with my UEO brothers. Besides, it isn't summer yet, and I want to see Jonathan's legs." The demonstration lasted several hours. It turned ugly at the end when an unidentified UEO official screamed from the top floor "GET BACK TO WORK YOU PANSIES! YOU'LL HAVE FAR MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THEN BARE FLESH IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!!" **** CULT SUSPECTED IN UEO VANDALISM - Nibor Manila, Philippines- Last night, vandals broke into the UEO offices in Manila. "UEO SUCKS," "BRING BACK WENDY," and "EAT PEACE" were spray painted in fluorescent red on the walls of the UEO offices. The vandalism is similar in nature to cases of vandalism against the UEO in Moscow, Northwest Abu Dhabi, Old Seattle, Rio De Janeiro Island, and Neo-Johannesburg. The Cult of Wendy is suspect in the attacks. "We do what Wendy wants," commented the High Priest of the Cult of Wendy, who claims to be able to channel the late Dr. Wendy Smith. The UEO is unable to prosecute the members of the Cult of Wendy because the group has a "UEO Evil Corporate Mogul Exemption Status," therefore the group can break any laws they want and not get arrested. **** UEO INVESTIGATES STRANGE PHENOMENON - Deanna UEOHQ, San Diego Island, United Islands Of California - UEO officials are investigating a strange phenomenon that has been afflicting several seaQuest crew members; unexplainable promotions. "It's weird," said Lt. Loni Henderson. "Before we left for Hyperion I was an Ensign. Now that I'm back, I'm a full Lieutenant. But there has been no official notification, or promotion board. I just don't understand." When Seaman Piccolo was asked about his new rank he answered the following, "Yeah, I guess there is an extra line there. Don't know how it got there though. When I woke up, the new rank markings were just there. Does this mean I get a pay raise?" UEO Officials refuse to comment on their investigation. **** MYSTERIOUS DEATHS AT UEO HEADqUARTERS - Nibor UEOHQ, San Diego Island, United Islands of California- Two bodies were discovered at UEO headQuarters late today. The dead were members of the the UEO Council being held under protective custody during the protest in front of UEO headQuarters by the family of Dr. Wendy Smith who were joined by the family of Miguel Ortiz, the Psychic Friends Network, the Psychic Institute on North America, the Cult of Wendy, and the Doughnut Cutters of Albania. Juan Valdez of the Cape Horn Compact died from a head implosion while Jean Claude Van Darn of the European Economic Community died from spontaneously combusting. Secretary McGaff nearly avoided being struck by lightning. FBI Agents Moldur and Scally are currently investigating the mysterious deaths. "We believe little elves are responsible," commented Agent Moldur. **** MISSING PERSONS REPORT - Sue This letter arrived at UEO headquarters last week. Can anyone help this woman? Querido UEO, Necesito ayuda. No puedo encontrar mi hijo, Miguel. Hace diez anos que desaparece. Busco para el en todo del mundo y no puedo encontrarlo. Sus amigos, Tim, Jim, y Lucas dicen que el esta muerto, no puedo creerlos. Ayudame por favor! Sra. Rosa Prades de Ortiz **** FREAKS OF NATURE IN DECLINE - Nibor Buenos Aires, Argentina- Scientists at the School of Freakish Studies of Buenos Aires have discovered a shocking decline of freaks of nature. The early 20's of this century witnessed a virtual population explosion of psychics, fish-people, GELFs, dragon worms, prehistoric crocodiles, devils-in-boxes, gods with identity problems, man-eating-plants, aliens, and giant squids. The population explosion of freaks was shortlived and for the past ten years, the decline in freaks have become alarming. The only freakish group not to be affected seems to be the GELFs who continue to grow in numbers. "The decline in freaks of nature seems to be correlated with a significant increase of Evil Corporate Moguls," stated Dr. Avatar-Of-Your-Dreams. More studies will be done to confirm the findings. *** MORE ORTIZ SIGHTINGS - Deanna UEOHQ, San Diego Island, United Islands of California - UEO officials deny that they are investigating the rash of Ortiz sighting across the U.S. in recent weeks. "Why would we be investigating? We don't even know this guy!" Meanwhile, more and more sightings are being reported. "It was incredible," said one young woman, who wished to remain anonymous. "I was in the 7-11 getting a Slurpee, when this guy came in. He was in a tank-top and army pants, but was obviously trying to hide his identity. He was wearing a fedora and dark glasses, but there was no mistaking those curls." Chief Ortiz has so far been spotted in 27 different NORPAC cities, usually in 7-11s or in pizza joints. "It's all a hoax," said Dr. Billy-Bob Ballard of the newly re-opened Ballard institute, Lake Michigan. "These people are either responsible for the crop circles of the 1990s or have not been taking their prescribed medication." **** CAPTAIN CLAIMS TO BE A BIG WIENER - Nibor Nairobi, Kenya- Laughter broke out in Nairobi last week when Captain Hudson met with the President of Kenya. Hudson greeted the President in Swahili with "Hello, I'm a big wiener!" Communication Chief and translator, Lt. Tim O'Neill, commented, "Hey, don't look at me! I use to fluent in Swahili and several other languages, but no one ever lets me practice them anymore." Captain Hudson was also responsible for nearly causing a war with the Icelandic Empire last month when he called Queen Bjork in Icelandic, "A freaky little midget girl who can't sing to save her life!" *** THE "SEAqUEST STRIPPER" CAUGHT - Nibor seaQuest DSV, Baltic Sea- For the past two years, the "seaQuest Stripper" has been haunting Lt. Loni Henderson. "Whenever I left my clothes in the washing machine, I'd come back and find my sleeves, pant legs, and buttons stripped from my uniforms," recalled Henderson. Yesterday, seaQuest security arrested Lt. Tim O'Neill when a pile of Henderson's missing clothing was discovered in his cabin. When asked what he was doing with the missing clothing, O'Neill just turned bright red, started sweating a lot, and mumbled something in Dutch. All charges were later dropped when Henderson refused to press charges. "I kinda like what he's done to my uniforms," smiled Henderson. **** LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (Note: This week the letters have been selected by Rufio) RESPONDING TO AN OVERHEARD CONVERSATION Recently I overheard a conversation in the newly created capeQuest Park. The basis of the conversation was basically how wrong a psychic would be for any political position. I must disagree with what I heard. Dr. Wendy Smith is running for Mayor of capeQuest, and I happen to think she is a good candidate. Just because she's a psychic doesn't mean she has no qualifications. I'm sure she got where she is today by going through some rigorous training. Also her time on the submarine seaQuest has done her some good. As a city, we must believe that Dr. Smith will do what's right for capeQuest, no matter what her background is. She can be psychic, deformed, or computer illiterate and still make a good candidate for Mayor. Vote for Wendy!! -Kat Sutherington capeQuest, Florida **** DARWIN'S THEORY WILL PREVAIL Charles Darwin had a Theory of Evolution. Darwin the Dolphin has a Theory of Freedom. As long as you are free, you will be happy. Vote Darwin the Dolphin for President, and you too will be as free as a fish. -Darwinia The Atlantic Ocean **** PLEADING FOR BRIDGER I only hope to get an immediate and positive response to this letter. I would like Capt. Nathan Bridger to return to his post as Captain of the seaQuest. Why you ask? Recently, my son, Lt. Tim O'Neill, was hurled out of his seat by current Captain Oliver Hudson, just because he couldn't identify a couple of ships attacking a training session. They found out, that the ships were drones. Drones are non-identifiable ships, and are piloted only by a computer program. My son was humiliated when newly ranked officer, Ensign Wolenczak, showed him up by telling Captain Hudson basically what my son told him (unidentifible ships), only more eloquently. Captain Bridger would never have done this. My son's pride is now hurt, and he's told me many times that he fears Captain Hudson. As true as it may be that one should fear his or her commanding officer, the fear shouldn't be that apparent. From what I understand, Captain Bridger instilled a sense of calm among the seaQuest crew. I only write this letter so another episode like this doesn't happen again to my son, or to any other crew member. Please Captain Bridger, take my request into consideration. -Sarah O'Neill (no city given) __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 3 Section B - Lifestyles October 26, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRAVEL - Nibor NEW FLORIDA TRAVEL WARNING! Due to an increase of sidewalk accidents, the New Florida Tourist Bureau is issuing a travel warning to all tourists planning to visit the Orlando and New capeQuest area: "Travel at your own risk and be extra careful on sidewalks." If you spot a scraggly-haired young man approaching you, please jump off the sidewalks and allow the man to pass. 596 cases of sidewalk accidents have been reported in the last two years. "Only *YOU* Can Prevent Sidewalk Accidents." **** FROM THE KITCHEN - Petty Officer Riley This week the mess is having a special on boxed lunches. Fresh from the OMNI. These things are priced to go, so come on down for some slightly stale sandwiches, vinigary coleslaw, Half-moons and a caned juice. Prices have to be seen to be believed. **** FLY ON THE WALL - Sue That's right it's time for seaQuest's own gossip columnist! Settle back and get your shovel cause we are ready to dish the dirt! Episode 1c It's me again, Snoop. See what I mean? Very unusual behavior. Let's follow. Ford rounded the corner to see Loni talking to the big splotchy guy in front of her quarters. She turned and went in and shut the door. "Dagwood! Just what do you think you're doing talking to Loni? What, what, what? I want an answer now, sailor!" "I said *Hello*." "What? That's it?" "Yes, Commander Ford. I was walking down the hallway and I saw her going into her quarters so I said *Hello*." "Oh, OK. Nevermind." He continued down the hall. "Jerk." Ford stopped. "What did you say Dagwood?" "Work, work, work. That's all I do is work." "Carry on." To be continued next week . . . . **** Top Ten More Ways of Getting seaQuest Out of that Dang cornField - Nibor 10) Sell seaQuest to an Evil Corporate Mogul, they seem to have all the technology anyways. 9) Use a subduction device to sink Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisanna. Like there's anything of value there... 8) Dead baseball players tell Kevin Costner that they won't play baseball in his cornField anymore until he gets that dang sub off first base. 7) Loni can get possessed by another Greek/Roman god. 6) Ignore it and maybe it'll go away. 5) Hire a public relations person to repeatedly deny that seaQuest is in a cornField. After awhile the American public will start to believe it. 4) Send an iceberg to flood the US. 3) Hire a a psychologist to find out why seaQuest's last thoughts were of a cornField in Iowa. The cornField is probably related to something in seaQuest's past, perhaps a childhood trauma that deeply affected it. After several years of therapy, seaQuest may be able to make the transition from its sanctuary to the ocean on its own terms. 2) Loni looks at seaQuest in the cornfield. She becomes frustrated and doesn't know how she's going to get the sub out of the cornField. So she reaches in her pocket for a roll of Mentos and pops one in her mouth. Magically, a thousand husky farm boys dressed in overalls march into the cornField, lift seaQuest, and carry it back to the ocean. Loni then smiles at the camera as she thrusts her roll of Mentos in the air in triumph. And then the voice of God announces, "Mentos! The Freshmaker!" 1) The basic laws of physics no longer work on earth anyways. So you can pretty much do whatever you want. Sorry, Newton. **** SOCIAL NOTES - Deanna Just a quick reminder that seaQuest's Hallowe'en dance is this Saturday. Tickets are still being sold by Lt. Henderson. Anyone having bought tickets from Seaman Piccolo is to report the incident to Cmd. Ford immediately. Prizes for best costume, most original costume, scariest costume, funniest costume. Remember creativity counts, so no Captain Hudson costumes. **** ***MUST SEE VR-TV!!!*** NIBOR LAKE-RIVER-BAY SHOW 1492 2:00 PM, NIBS Daytime talk show. Today's topic: "I Lust After My Mom!" Guests include: Lt. Jim Brody and Seaman Tony Piccolo. Tomorrow's topic: "Evil Corporate Mogul Makeovers!" *** CALIFORNIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS 2999 8:00 PM, ABCDEF The entire show tonight showcases home videos shot by crewmembers of seaQuest DSV and featuring Captain Hudson. The finalists for the $10,000 credits grand prize includes Lt. Tim O'Neill's "Captain Hudson falling into a torpedo tube and being fired out of seaQuest," Commander Jonathan Ford's "Captain Hudson choking on a piece of meat while the crew laughs," Seaman Tony Piccolo's "Captain Hudson being bitten in the butt by Darwin," Dagwood's "Captain Hudson being beaten up by the terrorists, 'The Brain' and 'Pinky,' and Darwin's "Captain Hudson gets a straw through his head." *** BAYwATCH 2097 8:00 PM, TATV Tonight, new cast members Loni Henderson and Jim Brody join the show as the new life guards. The lifeguards pull yet another stupid person out of the water while running in slow-mo in skimpy suits. *** MY MOTHER THE CAR 2065 8:30 PM, NBCEE My Mother The Car 2065 will be pre-empted tonight for no apparent reason. "I was bored, so I thought it would be fun to pre-empt the show for no reason," commented an NBCEE executive. Instead, NBCEE will simulcast the static on channel 97. "If you watch static on channel 97 long enough, you can hear God talk through your television set!" *** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:30 PM, NIBS Nibor & Wendy's ski weekend is ruin when furFace, the pet koala, jumps on Wendy's hair and won't let go, and Nibor eats some bad meat at Gharlane of Eddore's backyard BBQ. *** OLIVER & ELAINE 1995 9:30 PM, NBCEE Premiering tonight. In an attempt to unseat the #1 rated TV show in the world, Nibor & Wendy, NBCEE will counter program with Oliver & Elaine. but will this Nibor & Wendy clone be strong enough to topple the reigning Comic Couple? "Oliver & Elaine are a great couple that love each other very much, so much so that they come up with these great snazzy sexual innuendos," commented an NBCEE executive. "Your angle is too high" and "I thought it was part of your anatomy" will be two common catch phrases on the show. **** SUPERTRAIN 2079 10:00 PM, NBCEE Debuting tonight. Once again, NBCEE tries to revive another dead show. Supertrain, which originally aired in 1979, was canceled quickly and was considered one of the biggest turkeys of that season. An NBCEE executive commented, "With a little tuning up, this show can be just as good as 'My Mother The Car!' Just think of it as the 'Love Boat' on a train." Supertrain features a super fast train that travels 3000 MPH in an underwater vacuum tube from San Francisco to Beijing. The series will take place on a parallel earth where all known laws of physics cease to exits. "BLASPHEMY!" screamed Fig Newton, a TV critic and descendent of Sir Isaac Newton. A quote from a furry quest star on tonight's episode, "YOU IDIOT! YOU BUILT THE STUPID VACUUM TUBE OVER EARTHQUAKE FAULT LINES!!!" *** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 3 Section C - Classifieds October 26, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAMN MEETING The local DAMN (Navy Mothers Against Dyslexia) will be meeting today at the New capeQuest Public Library. New mothers are welcome! Help STOP dyslexia! (.yarM .DAMN-555) (555-NAMD. Mary.) *** MARTIAL ARTS CLASSES Do you want to learn how to immobilize tough body guards with just *one* punch!?! Then learn the mysterious techniques of the martial arts combat known at "Hudsucker." 555-DSV1. Ollie. *** WANTED Cliff Notes for "Red Badge of Courage." Stupid Captain making me re-read it again. 555-DSV1. ynoT. *** FOR SALE Deon Demons basketball tickets. Hundreds of seating locations! You can even sit right behind the team's bench! *ONLY* $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 credits per ticket!!! Call before I run out of tickets! 555-DEON. Larry. *** LOST Pair of pants. If found please return to Lt. Henderson, section K. Still missing pair of sleeves as well. *** FOR SALE Dyslexia correction glasses. 60's psychadelic pink/rose colored. Stupid thing doesn't even work! Stupid Captain! 555-DSV1. ynoT. *** JOB WANTED Assassin/Terrorist seeks job. Please, no more sub captains, comatose mothers, and train loads of people. Never been caught 'cause the stupid UEO never puts me in jail when they had the chance! 555-KILL. Mason *** WANTED VR-movie tape of "Red Badge of Courage." Stupid Captain making me re-read the book again. 555-DSV1. ynoT. *** I'LL BE *THERE* FOR YOU! You say you can't dance! You say you can't read! You say you think you'll die a virgin! Well, have no fear! I'll be *THERE* for you! 555-DSV1. Loni. Friend's theme song not included. *** ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com