Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:33:28 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1476] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 4 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 4 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:27:04 -0500 Gather round the fire kids and Grandpa will read from . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 4 Deanna Toxopeus November 15, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- LARGE SUBMARINE FOUND IN OCEAN FLOOR - Rufio Cardenas Indian Ocean- Recently a small group of students were diving in the Indian Ocean. To their surprise, they found remnants of a very large ship of some sort buried in the ocean floor. The students returned to school, and went out with a group of scientists in a research submarine. It was then discovered that the submarine found was none other than the seaQuest that was sacrificed by Capt. Nathan Hale Bridger in 2019. Also found was a box of vid-disks belonging to a Lucas W., and a Montenard translation book belonging to a T. O'Neill. If anyone has any information as to the owners to the above mentioned materials, please contact UEO Naval Academy. **** KING CHARLES DETHRONE- Nibor London, United Kingdoms of Ireland- Early yesterday evening, a mob of angry peasants carrying pitch forks and torches stormed Buckingham Palace and attempted to dethrone the newly crowned King Charles. The King immediately contacted the UEO to request help in quelling the revolution. Secretary McGath of the UEO responded, "If it doesn't involve the Evil Corporate Moguls Deon and Bourne, we really *don't* care. Besides, you're a big wiener!" With the UEO's refusal to intervene in the internal affairs of the United Kingdoms of Ireland, King Charles was dethroned and replaced by the newly christen King Bloby. In the 1990s, Bloby was a popular character on a British children's TV show similar to Governor Barney of Old New York who appeared on "Barney & Friends" also in the 1990s. To the people of the United Kingdoms of Ireland, King Bloby proclaimed, "Bloby, blooby, BLOBY, bloooooby, Bloby, bloby, bloby, bloby, BLOBY, bloooby, blooooby, *BLOBY*, bloby, bloby, Bloby!" King Charles was last seen fleeing the angry mob and almost escaped if it wasn't for a young woman named "Bev" who told the mob that the King was dressed like a woman and impersonating Camilla Parker Bowles. **** FREAK ACCIDENT CAUSES UPROAR - Deanna Mid-Atlantic - Lt. JJ Fredericks was hit on the neck by a flying copy of "The Red Badge of Courage." Apparently Lt. Fredericks was rescuing Ens. Wolenczak from an unknown assailant when impact occurred. Lt. Fredericks is in good condition in Med bay, but apparently the impact of the book has caused her psych chip to turn into a radio receiver. For approximately two days Lt. Fredericks has been broadcasting old episodes of Dr. Laura and Marilyn Kaigen. Lt. Fredericks is now one of the most popular people on seaQuest as fellow crew members have started to gather to listen to the advice. "It's strange," Fredericks was heard to say, "It's like an old episode of Gilligan's Island!" **** ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE HITS THE SOUTH SEAS- Nibor South Pacific- A mysterious fish disease has disseminated the fish population of the South Pacific. The resulting environmental catastrophe has caused wide spread famine throughout many South Pacific island nations that depend on fish as their main source of food. Secretary McGath of the UEO responded, "As I said before, if it doesn't involve Deon or Bourne, we really *don't* care! Anyways, our only *scientist*, *Ensign* Lucas Wolenczak, is busy saving the world somewhere else." This also may explain the disappearance of Pacific Islanders and Asian in Asia and the Pacific. **** UEO INVESTIGATES STRANGE ATTACK - Deanna seaQuest, UEO Harbour, San Franciscon Island - UEO officials are investigating an attack that occurred after Lt. James Brody's memorial service yesterday. Lt. Lonnie Henderson was leaving the service when she was attacked by a group of six women. Dressed in black t-shirts with "Brody Bunch" written on the back, these women repeatedly punched and kicked Lt. Henderson, screaming "Slut!" and "Kill the Ho!". When Commander Ford tried to intervene, he was knocked senseless by one woman screaming "How could you cheapen yourself?" The attack lasted quite along time as there was no-one to organize a security team. Commander Ford and Ens. Henderson are recovering in Med-bay. **** LOVE-SUB SINKS IN THE CARIBBEAN- Nibor Caribbean Sea- The cruise sub known as the Love-Sub sank early this afternoon in the Caribbean Sea. The Love-Sub developed engine troubles which resulted in a fire in the engine room. Captain Kan Ga-Roo immediately sent out a distress call requesting help. The closest sub was the UEO seaQuest DSV. "NO, YOU IDIOT! BOURNE AND DEON DIDN'T SABOTAGE THE SUB! JUST SEND SOME HELP, YOU DORK! NOW! -- NO TERRORIST NAMED 'MASON' IS ABOARD THE SUB! -- THEN WHY'D YOU LET THE STUPID TERRORIST GO IN THE FIRST PLACE??? -- WE'RE SINKI..." were the last words that the Captain had with Captain Hudson of seaQuest before the sub sank which was then followed by gurgling sounds. Of the 275 passengers on the cruise sub, only 98 passengers were able to escape. More people could've been saved if seaQuest had acted quicker. Kathy Lee Gifford was last seen singing with the band as the Love-Sub sank and went down with the ship; Cody is still missing. **** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 4 Section B - Lifestyles November 15, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEALTH 10 YEAR WARP SYNDROME- Dr. Nibor PhD Psychologist studying members of the seaQuest crew that reappeared mysteriously several months ago are astounded at the high incidences of mental disorders among the crew. Psychologists refer to this new syndrome as "The 10 Year Warp Syndrome." The syndrome is considered highly contagious since several crewmembers not aboard seaQuest 10 years ago are exhibiting the same symptoms. The 10 Year Warp Syndrome is characterized by the sudden appearance of any number of psychological disorders. *** GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER: characterized by a chronic and pervasive feeling of anxiety in many life situations, a feeling of general apprehension, worry about impending disasters, and extreme sensitivity to criticism. In one case, the audacious and intrepid "Commander Chrysler" has turned into what psychologists clinical describe as a "nervous nelly" or "worry wart." He can't even ask women out on a date anymore. *** PANIC DISORDER: a person usually experiences a combination of physiological symptoms, such as pounding heart, labored breathing, dizziness, and sweating; psychological symptoms such as great apprehension, terror, and feelings of impending doom. In one case, "Lt. O'Kneel" experiences panic attacks whenever "Captain Chesapeake Bay" gives him orders and he fears being thrown out of chairs. *** PHOBIA: an anxiety disorder characterized by an intense and irrational fear that is out of all proportion to the danger elicited by the object or situation. Several people aboard seaQuest fear that they might fall asleep while reading the "Red Badge of Courage." At the sight of the book, many crewmembers turn and run away in fear. *** OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: consists of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are persistent, recurring irrational thoughts that a person is unable to control and that interfere with normal functioning. Compulsions are irresistible impulses to perform some ritual over and over even though the ritual serves no rational purpose. In one case, "Captain Chesapeake Bay" feels the need to get into a fist fight every week, usually on Wednesdays between 8:00-9:00 PM, for no apparent reason. *** PARANOID: being excessively suspicious. Pretty much everyone on seaQuest, especially among those who have watched old re-runs of the "X-Files." In one case, "Commander Chrysler" believes everyone is trying to hit on his girlfriend, "Loni Anderson." *** SCHIZOID: being very self-absorbed and socially withdrawn. In one case, "*ENSIGN* Walnutchex's" behavior has become increasingly jerky with his new found status. His behavior has alienated all his friends. *** NARCISSISTIC: having an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Chief examples include "Captain Chesapeake Bay" who believes that the world will end if he doesn't save it from all the Evil Corporate Moguls of the world and "Lt. Grody" who thinks he's "all that and a bag of chips" and "God's gift to women." *** PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: always indirectly resisting what others ask or expect. "Dagweed" has been known to spit in "Captain Chesapeake Bay's" food and pound on walls to knock down pictures of presidents. Also, "Tarwin the Dolphin" refuses to talk to anyone aboard seaQuest. *** SCHIZOPHRENIA: loss of contact with reality and problems of thought, attention, perception, motor behavior, and emotion. Losing touch of reality is common on seaQuest and is also common among television writers. *** PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC: delusions such as thoughts of being persecuted by others or thoughts of grandeur. "Captain Chesapeake Bay" believes that all the Evil Corporate Moguls of the world and terrorists are trying to kill him. This is also common in the entertainment industry. *** MULTIPLE PERSONALITY: presence of two or more distinct personalities within a single individual. In one case, "Loni Anderson" has 7 distinct personalities, possibly more. "Ensign Loni" tries to seduce men with her beauty, tries to date all the male crewmembers and "guest stars," and tries to "be with" all the virgins of the world so they won't die a virgin. Also known as the "Ho of the High Seas Henderson." "Lt. Loni" believes that she's always right and believes she has the same right as her superiors to order people around. She enjoys taking over seaQuest and arguing over correct military procedures. "Lonnie" is the overly emotional personality that becomes easily wishy-washy and love struck. Her emotions and not her brain are in control when this personality takes over. "Little Loni" is the naive personality that clings to her stuff animals, Addison and Addidaughter. "Yarblex" is an ugly, evil, alien, storm trooper from the Albino Alien home world. "Medusa" is a Greek/Roman god with an identity problem and is extremely jealous of New Age singers. "Bjork" is the personality that believes that she's a popular Icelandic-Vertically-Challenged-Singer and Queen of the Icelandic Empire. *** PSYCHOGENIC AMNESIA: occurs when a person is suddenly unable to recall important personal information, usually after some stressful incident. In several cases, many crewmembers have totally forgotten about their best friends and have ignored their friends' death. Another case revolves around "Seaman Clarinet" who has totally forgotten that he has gills. *** PSYCHOGENIC FUGUE: a person not only loses all memory of personal and other events but suddenly leaves home and moves to a new place and assumes a new identity. It is entirely possible that the missing crewmembers of seaQuest are living on an alien planet, working in a local fast food restaurant, or shopping at K-Mart and 7-11 without any memory of their past lives. *** Psychologist recommend that anyone exhibiting these symptoms be sent to an alien planet where Dirt People can cure them, but they also warn people traveling to this planet to be wary of anyone who refers to them as "poppet." Psych Implants from Sike Tech are also recommended. (NOTE: All names have been changed to protect the identity of the patients.) **** RED SHOE DIARIES 2032 - Sue Unhappy? Alone? Have you been betrayed? Have you betrayed another? A man, who was hurt really, really bad and can't handle it, is looking for your stories to help him understand. (He is a weenie and can't get over it.) Send you stories to Red Shoes, P.O. Box...... Dear Red Shoes, Have you ever worked real close with someone, craving love and not knowing it was right there under your nose all along? What is real and what is a dream? Many years ago I worked with a beautiful older woman. She was vibrant and sexy but I thought she was unattainable. It all started in a cave on a frightfully stormy afternoon. I was feeling down about something and Kristin comforted me with a kiss. Well, one thing led to another and as I slipped my hand under her shirt ****WARNING, UEO Sysop has declared the following material to be unfit for on-line viewing**** was shaking me gently, calling my name. I had been asleep and dreamed the entire thing! My God!!!! I had such a wonderful dream about Kristin. If only these things happened to me in real life. Tim *** Dear Red Shoes, Hey Jake! Or whatever your name is. I've been away for ten years and it has been a long time since I have been la...., uh, on a date. I'm very lonely. Nobody loves me, my roommate's been treating me like crap and I'm spending all of my free time catching up on reading from high school. Can you send me some of those addresses from some of those hot babes who write to you? Thanks. Tony *** Dear Red Shoes, Something happened recently that got my past all stirred up. Elaine came back into my life. Yes, the woman who is and was the reason for my existence. I am so madly in love with her but we are hopelessly incompatible. She used to hog the shower and get to it before I would. That reminds me of the time I sneaked into the shower with her. The bathroom was foggy and hot with the steam from the shower. I pulled back the curtain ****WARNING, UEO Sysop has declared the following material to be unfit for on-line viewing**** wouldn't hear of it. I tried to kiss her again before she left but all she did was give me my violin and an old book. Why is life so cruel? Oliver *** Dear Old Shoes, I have been looking at my friend Tony's magazines when he isn't in the room. He hides them in his locker. They are 10 years old. I like to read your stories. Do you know of any magazines like that with Daggers in them? I am beginning to think I am missing out on something. Could you send me some of those addresses from some of the ladies who write to you? Dagwood *** Dear Red Shoes, Food for thought! Yes, I had an incredible experience. It happened about ten years ago. Betray the one I loved? I don't know if that counts. I was in the kitchen with Nathan. The people I work with were going to have a big dinner party at his house and I just happened to be there early, helping him get ready. We were getting in each other's way in the kitchen and I think the accident happened because we were both slightly inebriated. Anyway, I don't remember exactly how the big bowl of strawberry sauce got knocked over onto his head. I tried to help but things just got sillier. I ended up trying to lick the strawberry sauce off ****WARNING, UEO Sysop has declared the following material to be unfit for on-line viewing**** were looking at the ocean and Tim asked me if there was anything wrong. I said there wasn't, after all it wasn't exactly like I cheated. Loni *** Dear Red Shoes, Your material is increasingly unfit for public consumption. I am demanding that you send everything to my address to be checked and censored before you attempt to post it on-line in the future. You must send everything and not leave anything out. Do you have any of the addresses from women who write to you? You must send also. UEO Sysop **** HALLOWE'EN DANCE - Deanna Well seaQuest's Hallowe'en dance was a fabulous success! Close to one hundred crew-members showed up to Lt. Henderson's quarters (the only room big enough to hold that many people) for the party. Captain Hudson, who came dressed as Napoleon, handed out the prizes for best costume. The now-late-but-then-alive Lt. Brody was awarded best costume for showing dressed as Knute Rockney all-American. The prize was then taken back when it was discovered that he had not dressed up on purpose. Apparently Lt. Brody had just gotten off duty. Best costume was then awarded to Lt. (j.g.) O'Neill who came dressed as "Addison the Stuffed Dog". Lt. O'Neill had to be taken into custody later on when, after too much punch, he began to chase Lt. Henderson asking if she was going to take him to bed with her that night. Other interesting costumes: * Commander Ford came dressed as his feminine side. * Lt. Henderson came as a Hee Haw Girl. "Just wore my uniform pants and one of Lucas' old shirts!" * Ens. Wolenczak came dressed as man with long curls that no one could recognize. * Seaman Piccolo came dressed as Ens. Wolenczak and spent the evening telling people that because he was now an ensign, they would have to listen to him. **** ***MUST SEE VR-TV*** NIBOR LAKE-RIVER-BAY 1492 2:00 PM, NIBS Daytime talk show. Today's topic: "You Think You're All That And A Bag Of Chips But I'm Here To Say You're *NOT*" Guests includes Lt. Jim Brody who confronts Lt. Loni Henderson who thinks she's "all that." With the death of Brody, Nibor Lake-River-Bay has announced that this episode will not be seen today, but instead it's being moved to Prime Time at 8:00 PM to cash in the death of Brody to get higher ratings. Tomorrow's Topic: "Giant Prehistoric Crocodile Make-Overs." *** UEO GLADIATORS 3065 8:00 PM, SYNDICATION A spinoff of the old American Gladiators, UEO Gladiators features members of the UEO in a battle to the death. Tonight's competition features Captain Oliver Hudson of seaQuest DSV against Ellen Morgan of Buy the Book. Morgan first appeared on American Gladiators in the early 90's and was disqualified for "unsportsmanship behavior" when she went crazy with a pudgel stick and repeatedly struck American Gladiators "Ice" and "Nitro" until they were unconscious. Hudson has also been keeping in shape by getting into a fist fight every week. Instead of having contestants fighting on a pedestal with pudgel sticks, UEO Gladiators will fight on 200 foot tall pedestals which are being suspended over a pool of piranhas and giant spikes. The contestant will fight with laser whips while "one of those large spinning things that moves through the air at high velocity and throws explosive fire balls from each tip" whirl around their heads. Morgan is a heavy favorite to win. *** MY MOTHER THE CAR 2065 9:00 PM, NBCEE My Mother the Car 2065 will be pre-empted once again so that NBCEE can air a very important news special on "Grass Growing." The whole night will feature a close up shot of grass growing on the lawn of an NBCEE executive. NBCEE is advising that some scenes may not be appropriate for young viewers due to violent content. In one scene, blades of grass can be seen being massacred by a lawn mower. *** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:30 PM, NIBS How far will Wendy go to surprise Nibor on his birthday? Tibet. Wendy flies to Tibet to find an authentic Tibetan singing bowl that Nibor once saw on an episode of ER. Unfortunately, Wendy's stuck in Tibet with furFace when a blizzard snows them in and Yetis go on strike. So Nibor is home alone until wacky next door neighbor, Gharlane of Eddore, drags him downtown to go club hopping. Big mistake when Nibor drinks too much and starts singing Karaoke. *** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 4 Section C - Classifieds November 15, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***Contributed by the staff of the Gazette*** ****With special guest this week Ed the Dragon Worm**** **** NARCOLEPTIC SUPPORT GROUP The Narcoleptic Support Group will be meeting at the New capeQuest Public Library. We'll support you no matter what and listen to everything you have to say. We may fall asleep while you're talking, but we'll always be there for you. By the way, please don't drive to the library. We're not responsible for any car accidents you cause. 555-NARC. Niborrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (sorry, fell asleep on the 'r' button) **** WANTED A good Australian accent. 555-KIWI. Macronesian Alliance. **** WANTED Holo-Novel or CD-ROM of "Red Badge of Courage." Stupid Captain making me re-read it again. 555-DSV1. Yont. **** WANTED Soft cushion for my butt. Keep falling out of chairs when captain pulls me out or when the sub gets hit by a torpedo. Still looking for my "Sunday" boxer shorts. 555-DSV1. Tim. **** WANTED Courage. Also a heart, a brain, and a one way ticket to Kansas for my friends. 555-LION. Mr. Lyon. **** BRODY'S DEATH BLOW OUT SALE!!!!! Come to Brody's cabin in D-11 for a BIG BLOW out sale. Everything must GO! NOW! We've got everything you want. Brody's little black book, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's hair brushes with actual Brody hair in it, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's HOT cryogenically frozen Mom, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's large assortment of large guns, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's copy of "Oedipus Rex" by Sophocles, WE'VE GOT IT. Brody's very own Old Spice, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's pool table, WE'VE GOT IT! Brody's dozens of mirrors of a variety of sizes, colors, and refractions, WE'VE GOT IT! Everything's marked to go. We won't be undersold! Also enter the raffle to see who get's Brody's cabin! Door prizes! Games! Fun! Shopping! What more can you ask for!?! 555-SALE. Captain Hudson. **** ITEM WANTED Wanted to buy work vest. Color / style unimportant material must be Kevlar or equivalent. PLEASE HURRY some of my co-workers are very disgruntled lately - A very nervous employee of the U. S. Postal Service. **** Help Wanted Immediate opening for a janitor aboard the seaQuest. Applicant must have an intense dislike of dust bunnies and harbor ill will towards grease stains. Ability to hold breath for 2 hours while scrubbing the outer hull considered a plus. Apply at your local UEO employment office. **** DESPERATELY SEEKING.... Desperately seeking big splotchy guy to share my life with. I'm also splotchy, a prototype, love pineapples, and work as a maid for an Evil Corporate Mogul. Looking for someone to love. 555-MAID. Blondie. **** WANTED Slinkey. Don't ask. ;-) 555-DSV1. Tim **** FOR SALE Vintage "Colin Powell For President In '96" bumper stickers. 555-ROSS. Perot. **** JOB WANTED Out of work Demon-In-A-Box. Willing to haunt your house for a free 24 hour trial period. 555-BOOO. Demon-In-A-Box. **** There it is please edit, then I will send it out Friday! If something you sent in isn't there, don't worry we might be able to get #5 out fast with all your stuff! :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deanna Toxopeus | A *very* angry | !!!!!SAVE SEAQUEST!!!!! Carleton University | seaQuest | Bring back Bridger dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca | fan |email: maryflr@best.com for details ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The logical course isn't always the *right* course. Chakotay - "Tatoo" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com