Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:32:48 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1474] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 5 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 5 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:42:40 -0500 (Blatantly stolen from a Frutopia Bottle) If your mouth can't say something nice, put something in it. We suggest . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 5 Deanna Toxopeus November 30, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- HUGE MONUMENT BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS- Nibor Rio De Janeiro, Brazil- Yesterday evening, the UEO seaQuest DSV fired a volley of water to surface missiles at the huge monument of "Christ the Redeemer" that sits atop a mountain and over looks Rio De Janeiro. The landmark statue was blown up by Captain Hudson who had mistaken the huge statue for "one of those really big Roman/Greek gods." Hudson later apologized to the people of Rio De Janeiro with, "Whoops! Sorry, wrong God!" Hudson is also suspected in blowing up the Statue of Liberty in New New York City. The Easter Island Consortium is threatening the UEO with an Easter egg embargo if seaQuest comes within 100 miles of Easter Island where the famous stone monoliths are located. Egypt has also place their military on full alert to shoot down any missiles attempting to blow up the Sphinx and other ancient Egyptian statues. **** UEO OFFICIALS DENY CONSPIRACY RUMOURS - Deanna UEO HQ, San Diego Island - At a hastily called press conference today, UEO Secretary General McGath denied that there was a conspiracy aboard the UEO flagship seaQuest. McGath was responding to charges that Lieutenant Lenore Ellen Henderson was plotting to take over the UEO. "These rumours are completely false," McGath assured the assembled members of the press. "We have the absolute confidence in Lieutenant Henderson. She is living up to our expectations, and more." "Are they crazy!?!?!?!" That was the reaction of Lucy "Panting" Jones, head of the Brody Institute in Bethesda, Maryland. "This woman is a black widow! Lenore Ellen, or 'Lonnie' as she likes to be called, has plans to take over the UEO. She is slowly, but surely, hindering the careers of people that are in her way. Tim O'Neill dated Henderson, and hasn't been promoted since. She killed off Brody, and has turned Ford into an idiot. Is it a coincidence that Chief Miguel Ortiz is dead? Or that her chief rival, Dr. Wendy Smith, did not return from Hyperion? I think not. Luckily Bridger realized what was going on and got out. Hudson and McGath had better watch out, because they're next on her list!" Lieutenant Henderson could not be reached for comment. **** NEW WORLD ORGANIZATION CREATED - Nibor Sacramento Island, United Islands of California- In response to the UEO's mismanagement of world affairs, President Krieg of the United Islands of California has decided to create a new world organization that "will actually do something for a change." On NNN with Harry King Live, President Krieg discussed his new organization, "I'm sick and tired of the corrupt, fascist, bureaucratic wimps at the UEO. Let's face it, the UEO sucks big time. That's why I've decided to create the EAT PEACE FOUNDATION! The EAT PEACE FOUNDATION is anti-UEO, anti-evil corporate moguls, and anti-blue M&Ms! Call UEO-SUCK to join the EAT PEACE FOUNDATION! Operators are standing by! Ask for Julie! And if your country joins now, you'll get a nifty EAT PEACE FOUNDATION tote bag and a copy of the 'Buns of Steel' exercise video!" All ready, the majority of the non-align nations of the world have decided overwhelmingly to join the EAT PEACE FOUNDATION. The Pacific Rim Confederation and the Icelandic Empire yesterday formerly pulled out of the UEO and joined the EAT PEACE FOUNDATION. Former Captain Nathan Bridger of the UEO seaQuest DSV has publicly endorsed the new organization and has volunteered his rag tag fleet of subs known as the "Bridger Bunch" to battle the evil forces of the world which includes the UEO. **** LENO DISAPPEARANCE SOLVED - Deanna The Ship Formerly Known As seaQuest DSV, near The State Formerly Known As Hawaii - The mysterious disappearance of stand-up comic and talk show host Jay Leno has been solved. This Tuesday, while preparing for Tuna Casserole night, seaQuest's cook, Petty Officer Reilly opened an industrial size can of Bumble Bee Tuna. "And there, staring back at me was this huge chin," explained Raleigh. "Now being Canadian, I thought itwas Brian Mulroney. Then when I got a closer look, I knew it wasn't him." What Raleigh had discovered was the head of Leno, who disappeared during a beer run forty years ago. Leno's face was obscured from view by a note taped to his forehead. The note read as follows: "This is what happened to those who mock us and our show" and was signed "Questies". Further investigation revealed at least ten more parts of Leno in other cans of Bumble Bee Tuna. Each had the same note attached to it. Anyone discovering other pieces of Mr. Leno, or anyone else for that matter, is asked to contact authorities. **** UEO ENFORCES METRIC SYSTEM & ESPERANTO - Nibor UEOHQ, San Diego Island, United Islands of California- The UEO announced today that they will be enforcing the Metric System of measurement and the use of the international language of Esperanto. Many countries and confederations are protesting and refusing to comply. "First it's our 'miles' and 'inches' and our groovy American lingo! What's next UEO!?! Are you going to force us to drink New Coke and eat blue M&Ms!?! Well, I'm not going to stand for it! We're going to stick with our obsolete weights & measurements and just out of spite we'll spell potato with an 'e!'" retorted an angry President Krieg of the United Islands of California. **** UEO INVESTIGATES STRANGE GRAFFITI - Deanna seaQuest DSV, Near Cape Horn, Africa - UEO Officials are investigating the appearance of graffiti on board its flagship, seaQuest. The phrase "Ortiz was here" has been found scrawled across various sections of the boat. The graffiti has been found on the sensor station, in the galley, in med bay, at the communications console, at the tactical console, on the door to both Lt. (j.g.) O'Neill and Lt. Henderson's quarters, the communication relays, as well all over the walls of some empty quarters. "We don't know who this Ortiz guy is," said seaQuest Captain Oliver Hudson, "but he had better stop." __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 5 Section B - Lifestyles November 30, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP SONG DEDICATIONS & REQUESTS ON C-ROC - Nibor and friends seaQuest's own radio station, C-ROC, has just release their top song dedications and requests. 20. "Creep" - Radiohead (dedicated to Hudson by someone who speaks Cantonese) 19. "So Far Away" - Rod Stewart (dedicated to Bridger from Lucas) 18. "I Will Remember You" - Sarah McLaughlin (to Ortiz, Wendy, Brody from their loving fans) 17. "Monster Mash" (requested by several Freaks of Nature) 16. "Like A Virgin" - Madonna (requested by Lucas & Dagwood) 15. "Love Boat Theme Song" (dedicated by Loni to all of her boyfriends, both future and former) 14. "Hungry Like The Wolf" - Duran Duran (dedicated to Freddie from someone who wouldn't mind seeing her "dressed like that one woman in the video") 13. "In the Navy" - Village People (dedicated to Dagwood and Lucas by Hudson) 12. "Material Girl" - Madonna (dedicated to Deon "who lives in a Material World" from Women-With-Tattoos) 11. "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" - Sarah Brightman {From Phantom} (dedicated to Miguel from Tim, to Bridger from Lucas & the crew, and to "Psychic Doctor Lady" from anonymous.) 10. "What's She Doing Now" - Garth Brooks (dedicated to Loni from Tim & the crew) 9. "Sweet Victory" - From the musical "Napolean" (dedicated to Deon from Deon, and to the Macronesian Alliance from Bourne) 8. "Ice, Ice, Baby" - Vanilla Ice (dedicated to Ice Berg from President Krieg) 7. "I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor (dedicated to Loni from Tim) 6. "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" - Shania Twain (dedicated to Loni from the entire crew "who wonders which beds Loni's boots haven't been under yet.") 5. "Theme Song To Jaws" (dedicated to Bridger from Bob) 4. "What's Going On!?!" - Four Non-Blondes (requested by bewildered masses) 3. "It's the End of the World As We Know It" - REM (requested by bewildered masses) 2. "You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morriesette (dedicated 305 times to Oliver by anonymous woman, and to Loni from anonymous man who spoke Dutch) 1. "I'm A Loser baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me!" - Beck (dedicated to both Hudson and Brody by people requesting to remain anonymous) **** MACRONESIAN FASHION - Sue What hot little numbers these Macronesian Army regulars are wearing! So hot and new for this year's fashion season. Every army should just die for these retro "Logan's Run" outfits that were inspired by President Alexander Bourne's favorite old movie. Yes, we have added color and shortened the sleeves. Gone is the glitter that was present in that old movie but the classic styling has remained. This year's top designers will be trying to copy our Macronesian battle ready styles! Beware! It is only for the privileged! **** ***MUST SEE VR-TV*** NAME THAT TUNE 239 BC 10:30 AM, CEE-BS Game show. Evil Corporate Mogul Alexander Bourne challenges Captain Oliver Hudson to a game of Name That Tune to decide the fate of Africa. If Bourne wins, he gets to keep Africa. If Hudson wins, Bourne will be force to give Africa back to the UEO. In a heart pounding conclusion, Hudson says he can Name That Tune of a piece of classical music in only *one* note and Bourne challenges Hudson to Name That Tune! Tune in to see who wins Africa and who gets stuck with Albania as a parting gift! *** NIBOR LAKE-RIVER-BAY 1492 2:00 PM, NIBS Daytime talk show. Today's topic: "SURPRISE! I'm Gonna Embarrass And Humiliate You In Front Of Tens Of Millions Of People On World Wide Television For No Apparent Reason But For The Sheer Pleasure Of It!" Lt. Tim O'Neill is surprised when Captain Oliver Hudson shows up on Nibor Lake-River-Bay 1492. Tomorrow's topic: "Macronesian Make Overs!" The top clothing designers try to solve the fashion disaster that the Macronesian Alliance has created with their "Logan Runs Meets Star Trek Rejects & I Wanna Be A Canadian Mountie" uniforms. Included is Ricardo Montablan who designed the cutting-edge, post-Apocalyptic, Spindrift Ensemble! Also, the clothing designers will take the "REDESIGN THAT FIGHTER SUB HELMET" challenge. *** DR. DOOGIE WALENCZAK MD 1975 8:00 PM, WBEE Debuting tonight. Dr. Doogie Walenczak MD saves the world each week. Not only is he a boy genius and computer whiz, he has PhDs in biology, chemistry, biochemistry, molecular biology, microbiology, virology, organic chemistry, physics, chemical physics, mechanical engineering, aerospace engineering, civil engineering, electrical engineering, mathematics, psychology, sociology, physiology, ecology, astronomy, medicine, zoology, botany, meteorology, geography, anthropology, palentology, American literature, astrology, and underwater basket weaving! The world doesn't need scientists! It only needs Dr. Doogie Walenczak MD to save the world! *** SAVED BY THE BELL: THE MENOPAUSAL YEARS (New Series) PCBC, 8:00 PM In the premier of this new series, Zack looses Kelly to Screech when she discovers that Bayside's biggest geek is now a multi-bilionaire. Lisa tries to commit suicide when she hears the news of Screech's wealth and ends up in the hospital under the care of Dr. Slater. Jesse also reveals that she dreams of becoming a showgirl and wants to dance erotically in the nude. Kelly's past life as a hooker is also revealed. *** MY MOTHER THE CAR 2065 9:00 PM, NBCEE My Mother the Car 2065 will be pre-empted tonight as usual so that NBCEE can air an earth shattering expose on "Grape Nuts!" Have you ever wondered why if you left a bowl of Frosted Flakes in milk for 5 minutes, it gets all soggy like while if you left a bowl of Grape Nuts in milk for a week, you get spoiled milk, a little fungus tree, and still *hard* Grape Nuts!?! Tonight, your questions will all be answered! *** HERCULES: THE EVERYDAY JOURNEYS RTV, 9:00 PM An ordinary visit to the proctologist turns dangerous for Hurcules when he discovers that the sexy nurse is really a priestess of Hera. *** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:30 PM, NIBS On a witty Thanksgiving episode, Nibor & Wendy host their very first Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, things don't go so well and Nibor really does have cranberry on his face when he forgets to turn on the oven and the turkey is frozen solid! Also wacky neighbor, Gharlane of Eddore, drops in uninvited while J.B. goes into one of his "Die A Virgin" panic! How will Nibor & Wendy make Thanksgiving dinner out of a roll of Mentos, 4 day old egg rolls, a half eaten chicken, duct tape, and that weird stuff in that yellow container that hasn't been open in 3 years and Nibor thought he saw it moving around by itself? Watch tonight and find out! **** FROM THE GALLEY - Petty Officer Reilly Since all of our supplies of tuna have been seized as evidence in a murder investigation, Tuna Casserole Tuesday will not be held this week. But due to the inordinate amount of dead marine life that the boat has encountered recently, the nautical theme will continue. I am pleased to announce Sushi Saturdays. That's right, this week (and for several weeks to come, if this stuff doesn't clear fast) with every dish you order, you will receive Sushi. And boy do we have a selection; Orca Sushi, Bottlenose Sushi, Squid Sushi, Octopus Sushi. You name it, we got it! And now a report from about Thanksgiving dinner from Petty Officer Miranda & Petty Officer Owen The galley crew once again out did itself this Thanksgiving with a traditional Thanksgiving dinner complete with a plump turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, and pumpkin pie! The galley crew would also like to applaud the efforts of Dagwood and Darwin for their unique interpretation of the Thanksgiving feast in the Thanksgiving Pageant. Darwin was hilarious when he went, "Gobble. Gobble" And Dagwood was a shoe in for Squanto! All went well with the dinner until two of the biggest turkeys managed to escape the galley kitchen. The two turkeys managed to elude capture until Dagwood banged on the wall repeatedly and a picture of President Hillary Clinton fell atop the turkeys' head and killed them instantly. The turkeys were later incinerated when it was discovered that the turkeys carried the deadly Hasbola virus. The galley crew would also like to apologize to Captain Hudson. Apparently, President Krieg sold us peacock meat instead of turkey. Fortunately, the galley crew caught the mistake before anyone else was served the peacock meat. Captain Hudson was the only one to eat the peacock meat. The galley is offering Captain Hudson a free supply of Hudsucker doughnuts and snow cones. Yes, we still have a lot of that iceberg left! Half price for the yellowish ice! __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 5 Section C - Classifieds November 30, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****by the Gazette staff**** **** WANTED A life. Sometimes I think I'm a holo projection on the bridge. Any life would be fine, I'm not picky, but preferably a life where lots of babes hang around me. 555-DSV1. Tim. *** FOR SALE Gills. Don't need anymore. Over 10 years old, but feel like brand new. 555-GILL. Yont. *** WANTED Royal Canadian Mountie Hat. Trying to complete my Mountie outfit. 555-KIWI. Macronesian Generals. *** FOR SALE Dead cockroach in a jar. 555-DSV1. Dagwood. *** JOB OPENING Need psychic for hotline. Last one disappeared on us. 555-SIKE. LaToya. *** WANTED Sympathy. We're dead and no one cares. Apparently people like Brody better. 8-( 555-DEAD. Miguel & Wendy. *** WANTED A cure for insomnia. Any suggestions? 555-SAND. Sandman. *** FOR SALE Scary Macronesian uniforms. Guarantee to scare family and friends. Great for Halloween or that costume party. 555-UGLY. Macronesian Army. *** FOR SALE Box set of classic Cult of Wendy Chants. Highest bidder. 555-CULT. *** WANTED More lines of dialog. 555-DSV1. Darwin, Tim, & Freddie. *** FOR SALE Man-Eating-Plants. Great at digesting humans into dust. Perfect for that Evil Corporate Mogul in your life. 555-WEED. *** WANTED A life. 555-LIFE. Jim. *** MED BAY SALE 20 boxes of Advil were discovered last week in Med-Bay. No one knows why or how seaQuest got so many cases of Advil. Med-Bay will be selling all the bottles of Advil at whole sale prices. So come and pick up your bottle of Advil today. "I find that Advil is better than two tablets of Tylenol," an anonymous woman claimed as she picked up her bottle of Advil. And if you buy today, we'll throw in some Old Spice from Brody's cabin! *** MISSING Dr. "Wet Willy" Swift. Been missing for more than 35 years. Last seen in Chicago, Illinois in 1995. Bald, bad attitude, always giving Dr. Greene a hard time. If found, please keep him! *** ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com