Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:32:23 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1473] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 6 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] Look what the cat dragged in . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 6 Deanna Toxopeus January 11, 2033 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREWMEMBER GOES AWOL IN THE CARIBBEAN - Nibor U.S. Virgin Islands- Lt. Loni Henderson was reported AWOL while seaQuest DSV was docked at the UEO base in the U.S. Virgin Islands for supplies. Details are still sketchy, but apparently when seaQuest arrived at the U.S. Virgin Islands, Henderson started screaming frantically, "I HAVE TO 'BE WITH' THEM! ALL OF THEM!" It is unknown who Henderson is referring to as "them." The U.S. Virgin Island police and the UEO are still searching for Lt. Henderson. Please call the UEO if you have any information. **** DISNEY SUES MACRONESIA FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT - Deanna Orlando, Florida - The Disney Corporation announced today that it was filing suit against the Macronesian Military. Apparently Disney feels that the uniform worn by Macronesian generals to closely resembles the uniform of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. "This is in clear violation of the copyright registered with the international moguls club," stated Disney lawyer Buzz Lighteryear. "Bourne and his bullies will not get away with this outrage. Stop it now, or we will get nasty." Disney took over the enforcement of the Mountie's copyright in 1995 when the Canadian government decided its national police force was a mickey mouse outfit. **** SEAqUEST EXPELLED FROM CATHOLIC SCHOOL - Nibor Sisters of the Light Orphanage, Gulf of Mexico- Early yesterday evening, the nuns at the Sisters of the Light Orphanage reported that members of the UEO had stormed the orphanage and demanded to see the "Evil Corporate Mogul in charge of corrupting the minds of the young." "I told Captain Hudson that they were no evil corporate moguls running the orphanage, but he wouldn't believe me. He threw me up against the wall and searched me for concealed weapons," recounted a teary Mother Superior, "I wish I had my ruler with me." The search for the unknown "evil corporate mogul" ended when Hudson and the seaQuest away team was ambushed by a group of rebel nuns. Since the rebel nuns were "flying nuns," they swooped from the sky undetected and attacked the away team with huge rulers and guitars as they sung about "climbing every mountain." For safety purposes, Hudson ordered a retreat back to seaQuest. The away team suffered heavy injuries. Lt. Tim O'Neill suffered a mental breakdown when he had horrible Catholic school flashbacks. Due to his lack of hair to cushion the blows of the rulers, Hudson was treated for several minor head injuries. Also, Seaman Tony Piccolo suffered a severe groin injury when he attempted to pick up "one of those hot looking flying nuns." **** RIOT ON WALTON MOUNTAIN - Roberto Virginia, near Walton's Mountain - A riot ensued near Walton's Mountain as followers of The Cult of Wendy picketed against Michael Learned of the Sine-Aid Society. "Our beef with her is she's been badmouthing Advil, which, as everyone knows, Wendy advocates and uses," said picketeer Nibor. "Sure, Advil, may not clear your sinuses like Sine-Aid, but it's great for headaches. You take what works." He then proceeded to pop handfuls of the medicine into his mouth like candy to prove the point. He had more statements, but his words were unintelligible with the medicine in his mouth. The picket was peaceful until Elizabeth Walton began throwing scrap lumber at the group while chanting, "Advil sucks! Sine-Aid rules!" The only serious injuries were a broken collar bone for a Mr. Jim Bob Walton when Cult of Wendy member, Roberto, lobbed a case of Advil at him. "Wendy made me do it!" was all Roberto would say as UEO police took him away in handcuffs. Michael Learned would not comment, but local proprietor Ike Godsey did say, "This is the most excitement we've had on Walton's Mountain since World War II. Sold my entire stock of pharmaceuticals just this morning." **** TRANSDIMENSIONAL WORM HOLE OPENS UP - Nibor San Franciscan Island Bay- A transdimensional worm hole opened up above the moon pool on seaQuest. Four people and a dog, calling themselves "slippers" slid out of the transdimensional worm hole and into the cold water of the moon pool. When told that Oliver Hudson was the captain of seaQuest, the female "slipper" started screaming, "No! Bridger is the captain! How can they put that idiot Hudson in charge of seaQuest?" The tall, skinny "slipper" then replied, "Wade, how many times do I have to say it? Same planet, different dimension!" The fat, boisterous "slipper" added, "Blimey! You all must be blistering idiots! We just been to an earth where they had 200 foot prehistoric crocodiles and gods who couldn't decide whether they were Greek or Roman, but at least Bridger was still captain!" The "slippers" were unable to open up another worm hole when the timer fell into the water, but with the help of *Ensign* Lucas Walenczak, the tall, skinny "slipper" was able to repair the timer. Walenczak could be heard mumbling, "There can only be one Boy Genius on this planet and it's going to be me!" The "slippers" were able to open up another transdimensional worm hole and escape to another parallel universe. Coincidentally, a third of the seaQuest crew seemed to have mysteriously disappeared just about the same time. **** CORNFIELD MYSTERY SOLVED - Roberto UEO Headquarters, Sand Diego Island - The UEO has released an official press release on the return of seaQuest and the mysterious reasons for its placement in a cornfield. Seems that in the mid 1990's, a pair of commedians, Steve Martin and Victoria Jackson, were kidnapped from the NBC variety show, Saturday Night Live, and transported to the planet Hyperion to entertain the troops during their civil war. When the seaQuest arrived, they formally requested a return to Earth, which Captain Nathan Bridger obliged. The following is a transcript from the recording taken by the "black box" following seaQuest's return to the Gulf of Mexico. BRIDGER: How does it feel to be back on Earth? MARTIN: It's been a long time. JACKSON: It sure has! Hey, who is that driving the boat? BRIGDER: I don't know. JACKSON: Hey, Captain! It's a stuffed animal! BRIDGER: Well, I'll be! It's Henderson's little friend, Addison. She must have left him on the bridge during the battle. MARTIN: And who knew he could drive a boat!? JACKSON: And who knew he was animate!? BRIDGER: Way to go Addison! I never knew you were so talented. If you can get the boat to UEO headquarters, I'll see about making you an officer! JACKSON: Hey, Addison! Watch out for that turbulence. MARTIN: Addison! BRIDGER: Watch out, Addison! Your gonna hit the coastline! Hard to port! Hard to port! MARTIN: Addison! END RECORDING. The whereabouts of Addison, the driving stuffed animal, are unknown at this time. Former Captain Nathan Bridger is unavailable for comment. Steve Martin and Victoria Jackson refuse to comment, pending the sale of their story to the Macronesian Enquirer for gobs of cash and New Zealand. **** SHORE LEAVE CANCELLED - Tim O'Neill with Gazette staffer Sue seaQuest, just off Vancouver Island, Canada - Well, it has happened again! Shore leave has been cancelled for the second time reports Cmdr. Ford who was planning a skiing trip with the Ambasador from Nairobi. (Yeah sure!) It seems that Macronesian President Bourne took offense at the UEO Gazette's report on Macronesian fashion. President Bourne stated to the Macronesian press that "Logan's Run" was not his favorite movie and that the Macronesian uniforms were not patterned after the uniforms in the movie. Since that report several ships carrying textiles in bordering waters have been torpedoed and sunk. Bourne has denied Macronesian involvement in this so the seaQuest has been called to patrol the borders for the next week. Cmdr. Ford said that shore leaves will be reinstated at the end of the week in plenty of time for ski season. **** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 6 Section B - Lifestyles January 11, 2033 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOOK REVIEW Here's several books recommended by your fellow crewmembers. "100 Different Ways To Use A Slinkey" (Lt. Tim O'Neill) "Bible" (Lt. Tim O'Neill) The comic strip "Blondie" (Dagwood) "The Catcher In The Rye" - J.D. Salinger (High Priest of the Wendy Cult) "The Descent of Man" - Charles Darwin (Darwin) "Eating Peace: 21 Delicious Recipes" (President Ben Krieg) "Embraced By The Light" (Lt. Jim Brody) "Fun With Phonics" (Lt. Loni Henderson) "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (Commander Jonathan Ford, Albino Alien) "Military Fashion" - Mr. Blackwell (Macronesian Army) "Oedipus Rex" - Sophocles (Lt. Jim Brody, Seaman Ynot Piccolo) "One Fish, Two Fish" - Dr. Suess (Seaman Ynot Piccolo, Darwin) "Playpersons" - Hugh Hefner (Seaman Ynot Piccolo, *ENSIGN* Lucas Wolenczak) "The Raven" - Edgar Allen Poe (Lt. Lenore Henderson) "Red Badge of Courage" - Stephen Crane (Captain Oliver Hudson, Seaman Yont Piccolo) "See Dick & Jane" (Dagwood & Seaman Ynot Piccolo) "Swahili Made Easy" (Lt. Tim O'Neill) "Transdimensional Worm Holes" - Quinn Mallory (*ENSIGN* Lucas Woelnczak) "The Vampire Chronicles" - Anne Rice (Evil Corporate Mogul Alexander Bourne) "You're Not Crazy, You're Just 'Mentally Challenged!'" (Lt. J.J. Fredricson) "Where's Waldo" (Lt. Jim Brody) "Why Settle For 1/3 Of The World When You Can Have Everything And The UEO Won't Bother You" - Co-written by Larry Deon & Alexander Bourne (Deon & Bourne) **** Dear UEO Gazette, THE UEO SUCKS! Sincerely, Mr. Benjamin Krieg EDITOR- Yes, it does. **** MUST SEE VR TV! NIBOR LAKE-RIVER-BAY 1492! 2:00 PM, NIBS Daytime talk show. Today's topic: "Lenore Ellen Henderson: Black Widow Bent On World Domination Or Just Another Ditzy Bimbo!" The crew of seaQuest speak out on Loni Henderson. Included, a talking dolphin, who requested to have a blue dot on his face and have his voice altered to protect his identity, talks about how his affair with Henderson resulted in his demotion from acting ensign to just a "talking fish" and how his talking privileges were revoked. Tomorrow's Topic: "Sleazy Has-Been Talk Show Hosts Fight It Out In A Battle Royale!" Watch as Jenny "One of my guests killed another guest after he was surprised by a secret lover who turned out to be another man" Jones & Jerry "I use to be a politician and a lawyer and now I'm a sleazy talk show host" Springer tag team against Ricki "I use to fat" Lake & Richard "I'm so sleazy that scum off the bathroom toilet look down on me" Bey. Other loser talk show hosts included: Geraldo, Tempest!, Carnie Philips, Charles Perez, Neptune!, Gabrielle, Mark Walberg, Montell Williams, Man-Eating-Plant!, Rolanda, Phil Donahue, Danny!, Sally Jesse Raphael, 200 Foot Prehistoric Crocodile!, Gordon Elliot, Leeza, Maury Povich, and Marylin Kagan. Nibor and Oprah laugh uncontrollably while they watch their favorite sleazy has-been talk show hosts mud wrestle and do other sleazy things for money! Funny clips will also be re-aired on "Talk Soup 2056 With James Earl Jones!" *** THE NEW HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 5692 8:00 PM, NBCEE Game show. Squares include: Jim Carrey, Tanya Harding, Macualey Caulkin, Michael Jackson, O.J., Princess Diana, RuPaul, and two producers from that one show that was an "industry wide joke." *** SOUL TRAIN 1970 8:30 PM, NBCEE Dance show. Soul Train welcomes it's new dancer, Commander Johnathan Ford of the seaQuest DSV. Ford gets in touch with his feminine side and does his interpretive dance of "Disco Inferno." Ford likes to dance on trains, puppy dogs, women with multiple personalities, and sunny days. Ford dislikes evil corporate moguls, mint chocolate, anyone who looks at his girlfriend, and cloudy days. **** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:00 PM, NIBS On yet another witty Kawanza/Christmas/Hanukkah/Ramadan/Winter Solitice episode, Wendy wants to surprise Nibor by dressing in nothing but wrapping paper, unfortunately things get wacky when Wendy accidentally gets locked out of the apartment without a roll of Mentos or duct tape. Also wacky neighbor, Gharlane of Eddore, plays a really weird Santa Clause. (R) *** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:30 PM, NIBS On yes, another, witty New Years episode, Nibor & Wendy's New Years party gets wacky! Nibor's ex-girlfriend (Sandra Bullock) shows up and wants more than a funny noise maker... she wants a *real* funny noise maker. Also, the couple's *other* wacky next door neighbor (Bjork) has a little too much to drink and thinks she's being chased by a giant teddy bear. (R) *** SAVED BY THE BELL: THE MENOPAUSAL YEARS 8:00 PM PCBC Kelly's prostituion charges are dismissed when it is discovered that Screech is an evil corporate mogul. Unfortunately no charges can be laid against Screech as special guest star Oliver Hudson violates Bayside's biggest nerd's civil rights while arresting him. Also Jesse does a striptease, and no one comes to watch! *** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 6 Section C - Classifieds January 11, 2033 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- By the Gazette staff with special guest - Roberto FOR SALE Man-Eating-Plants. Great at digesting humans into dust. Perfect for that Evil Corporate Mogul in your life. 555-WEED. *** WANTED A life. 555-LIFE. Jim. *** FOR SALE Newton's Laws of Physics. Unused. Must get rid of in a hurry, no longer needed. 555-NEWT. Fig Newton. *** WANTED Collin Powell As President! *** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT "Save A Tree, Use Both Sides Of A Paper!" *** WANTED A person to get into a fist fight with every Wednesday. 555-OLIE. Ollie. *** FOR SALE Voice. Don't need it anymore. Not very much use to me. 555-TALK. Darwin. *** FOR SALE UEO. Doesn't work anymore. Too corrupt, fascist, and wimpy. If you buy now, I'll throw in a *FREE* bureaucrat (Secretary McGath). 555-FREE. Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. (formerly Save Wendy Foundation). *** BUY-TRADE-SELL Personalities. Need to sell old personalities, willing to trade or buy new personalities. 555-DSV1. Loni. *** JOB WANTED Out of work Greek/Roman god seeks employment. Great at picking up trash with my trident. 555-NEPT. Neptune. *** MISSING Asians & Pacific Islanders. Can't seem to find any of those in Asia or on any of the islands in the Pacific. 555-ASIA. Alexander. *** MESSAGE "No more fish tacos. Darwin doesn't like." - Darwin *** ****************************************************************************** Deanna Toxopeus * A proud member of * Syndicate seaQuest!!! Carleton University * Bridger's Fleet * email: DSV4600@gate.net dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca * (Paramedic) * For details ****************************************************************************** Examine what is said, not who speaks Arabian Proverb ****************************************************************************** ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com