Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:34:04 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1480] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 7 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 7 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:43:59 -0500 More exciting then an episode of Voyager, it's . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 7 Deanna Toxopeus February 15, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTEMPT ON CETACEAN'S LIFE -- Sarah seaQuest DSV- Ensign Darwin narrowly escaped death today when cyanide-laced fish was added to his feeding bucket sometime in the early hours of the morning. Fortunately, Darwin noticed that his food had been tampered with, and refrained from eating. When questioned by Lt. J.J. Fredricks, acting security chief on the seaQuest, Darwin claimed to have seen Captain Oliver Hudson loitering around the bucket. "Hudson try kill Darwin! This not first time!" the dolphin crewman said. "That's ridiculous. Damn thing must be broken again." Hudson beat the vocorder against the side of the moon pool, rendering it inoperative for what Ensign Lucas Wolenczak described as "the 2,032nd time." The captain refused to answer more questions, but Ensign Wolenczak stated that several other attempts have been made to "eliminate" Darwin. "Razors in his aqualung... Fresh water pumped into the aqua tunnels... someone doesn't like him." Sources also say that Hudson is the source of the persistent rumors that the UEO's first non-human officer will die soon. Hudson refused to comment. **** PRANK REPORTED - Tim O'Neill with Gazette Staffer Sue seaQuest- A video cassette of the movie "Logan's Run" was found in a video player running on a continuous loop between the ship's outer structure and bioskin. The player was jury rigged to a satellite feed that was pointed at one of the most popular Macronesian TV stations. When confronted, Tony Piccolo said he had no idea that his video was missing because he has been watching old vids of the "Man From Atlantis" with Darwin on C deck. When asked, Ensign Wolenczk said it would take at least a week to figure out how to unhook the satellite feed. He would have it dismantled by the time we left the border territories. **** ANOTHER BOOK RELATED ASSAULT REPORTED- Nibor Bay of Biscay, seaQuest DSV- Early today, Captain Hudson was assaulted by an unknown assailant as he walked down a darken corridor. The assailant reportedly cursed at Hudson in over 50 different languages as he whacked the Captain with a copy of the book "Swahili Made Easy!" The assailant was also heard yelling, "I'm *not* a child anymore, so *don't* treat me like one!" Captain Hudson was later found hog-tied with a Slinkey in corridor 5-C. A note written in Cantonese was pinned to the Captain and read, "Neener! Neener! You're a big, fat Wiener!" The UEO is currently investigating this incident as part of their investigation of the increase rise of assaults where books were used as the primary weapons. The most popular book used in malicious assaults was the "Red Badge of Courage" while "Men Are From Mars, And Women Are From Venus" was commonly used by jealous lovers. **** STRANGE BEHAVIOUR EXPLAINED - Deanna Vegaland, near Moose Creek, Ontario, Canada - Recent behavioural changes observed among the crew of seaQuest have been explained by Maharishi Henning of the Yogic Flying Institute. According to Henning, a former magician, the reason why Commander Jonathan Ford has been behaving like an idiot is that he is the victim of strange alien experiments. Apparently while on Hyperion, Commander Ford, along with the then Ensign Henderson, were placed in a machine similar to that seen in the Classic Trek episode "Turnabout Intruder". "What the aliens did then was horrible," says Henning. "They flipped the switch and before you could say 'Help me Obi Wan Bridger" all the intelligence had left Commander Ford and made its way over to Henderson. This is why she was promoted, I tell you!" "Absolutely ludicrous!" was the reaction of UEO Secretary General McGath. "Where do you people find these stories!" Henning also claims that a similar procedure were performed on Lieutenant O'Neill and Seaman Piccolo, thereby explaining the former's lack of knowledge regarding the Cuban Missile Crisis. **** ADDISON, THE DRIVING STUFFED ANIMAL FOUND - Roberto Clipperton Fault- The UEO reports that when the freight hauler formerly captained by Captain Oliver Hudson of seaQuest was found wrecked near the Clipperton Fault, an investigation was launched that uncovered the shocking fate of Addison, the driving stuffed animal. The pilot, Mr. Toonces, formerly an actor on the variety show, Saturday Night Live, was questioned about a mysterious pile of lint found in the co-pilot's seat that turned out to be the missing Addison. Mr. Toonces admitted that he had been drinking and became angered at Addison for beaching the hauler on Antarctica and subsequently shredded the world's only known driving stuffed animal. From his cell in Florida, Mr. Toonces gave a tearful statement. "I had no idea he was the same one who landed the seaQuest in that cornfield! God, I wish I was back driving those 18-wheelers in Canada, again. Darn, Captain Hudson was so mean, he drove me back to drinking. Threw me outta my chair once or twice, I tell you. That's hard to take." Asked for a statement, Captain Hudson had this to say: "How the hell was I supposed to know he was a cat?" Lieutenant Lenore Henderson, also of seaQuest, was called to the scene to identify the remains and is the only known surviving family member. She plans to spread the remaining lint over the Indian ocean in a private ceremony. **** MASS BLINDINGS REPORTED - Nibor Santa Monica Island, United Islands of California- Over 120 cases of Santa Monica beach goers suddenly going blind were reported yesterday afternoon. Apparently, Lt. Tim O'Neill of the seaQuest DSV decided to go to the beach and wore shorts to enjoy the sun. Hapless beach goers who happen to look at O'Neill's legs were suddenly blinded. Doctors are advising people to not look directly at O'Neill's legs. If you do decide to look at his legs, doctors suggest wearing welders' masks or eye protection safe enough to look at the sun with. **** CAPTAIN THREATENED WITH BLACKMAIL -- Sarah Cape of Good Hope, seaQuest- Oliver Hudson of seaQuest DSV is pressing charges of blackmail against Ensign Darwin. Hudson claims that the ensign took an underwater video camera and, from the vantage point of the aquatunnels in the captain's quarters, filmed a compromising video of the Captain. Hudson will not reveal the nature of the footage. "If I wanted people to know, it wouldn't be blackmail," he snarled. "Damn porpoise." When reminded that Darwin could not get an underwater video camera without assistance, Hudson grunted, but declined further comment. Ensign Darwin had only one word to say; "Skin!" **** SECOND COMING OF WENDY NEAR- Nibor San Diego Island, United Islands of California- The High Priest of the Wendy Cult claims that the Second Coming of Wendy is almost upon us. While in a trance, the High Priest channeled the spirit of Dr. Wendy Smith which spoke, "...And unto the Earth, I shall return from Hyperion. The Second Coming of my return is close at hand. Those not pure of heart upon my return shall suffer eternity in an abyss of nothingness known as Kansellashun and those that can see the light of my truthfulness and loveliness shall dwell in a never ending loop of eternity know as Cyndekaeshun. And yes, the UEO sucks!" Millions of Wendy followers all over the world rejoiced at the news of the Second Coming, however, the UEO still denies the existence of Dr. Wendy Smith. "Oooooooooo! When Wendy comes back, the UEO is gonna be in big *trouble*!" commented a devout Wendy follower. **** INVASION OF MACRONESIA - Deanna Gazette Building, capeQuest - In a late breaking news story, it appears that an invasion of Macronesia is currently occuring. Details are scarce, but it appears that hundreds of paratroopers are descending on the shores of the main Macronesian island, Australia. Their main weapon appears to be the song "It's a small world". Keep reading to the Gazette to find out more details as they occur. __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 7 Section B - Sports February 15, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPORTS REPORT Deanna: Well it is a cool evening tonight at Q-Zar. We are here for the annual match between the seaQuest Laser teams, Ford's Fools and Brody's Bosums. Here with me tonight is our colour commentator, Ed the Real Dragon Worm. Ed: Hi! Deanna: Well it looks like the players are belted up and ready to go. And the crowd is cheering our competitors as they head into the maze. {Switch to seen of kids playing video games, not even paying attention to what is going on}. Now Q-Zar is a version of Laser Tag, right Ed. Ed: Right! Deanna: Do you know when it was invented? Ed: Absolutely no idea. Deanna: Thanks Ed. Oh and there goes the starting bell. Well this is certainly exciting. Who do you think will score first, Ed. Ed: Lt. Henderson has a good track record there. Deanna: I mean in the game, not in the bar! Ed: Well, apparently Ford holds the record for best individual score. Deanna: Well let's go to the score board. {Pause as they both read it} Well after two minutes the score is tied 0 to 0. How about some colour commentary Ed. Ed: Red. Green. Deanna: WHAT! Ed: Well those are the colours of the teams, Deanna. Deanna: {Bangs her head against the announcer desk.} Ed: {Looks at Deanna, while calmly sipping his water} Deanna: {regains composure} Let's go back to the score board. After four minutes the score is still 0 to 0. Ed, can you explain why this might be happening. Ed: Well obviously they haven't shot each other yet. Deanna: No, I mean why the are so ineffective! Ed: Well for Ford's team, I suspect that Henderson is standing too close to the team captain, rendering him incapable of making a decision. Brody's team is probably all fixing their hair. Deanna: Back to the score board. After six minutes of this fifteen minute game, the score is still 0 to 0. We'll be back after this commercial break. {Scene fades to Deanna attacking Ed with her mike while screaming like a banshee.} __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 7 Section C - Lifestyles February 15, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITOR'S COLUMN - Deanna I would like to take this opportunity to welcome our two new staff members - Roberto and Sarah E. Both have already made significant contributions to the Gazette, giving me more time to interview for my new executive assistant. **** SURVEY -- THE EFFECT OF NAVY SERVICE ON FAMILY LIFE -- Sarah For this issue's UEO service person survey, we talked to the crew of the UEO flagship seaQuest. "We were all very close to our families before we were taken to Hyperion," Cmdr. Jonathan Ford said. "In fact, that year, there were an unprecedented number of familial emergencies, and a lot of people's parents visited the boat. However, as a side effect of our time in suspended animation, we seem to have lost all family feeling. As far as I know, none of us have communicated with our families since we returned." "My father probably didn't even notice I was gone," ENSIGN Lucas Wolenczak responded. "I don't think my mother actually exists. That's ENSIGN Wolenczak. Don't forget the ENSIGN." "According to my personnel file, I practically raised my sister's kids," said Seaman Tony Piccolo. "I don't remember that. But there's a lot of stuff I don't remember in my personnel file. Like all this talk about gills." "I thought my family was dead," former captain Nathan Bridger told this reporter. "However, on our return from Hyperion, I discovered that my son was not only alive, but married with a son of his own. I'm still trying to find Robert and his wife, and I haven't seen my grandson since September. I'm assuming that the random woman I saw on the island is taking care of him." "I don't seem to have any family," Lt. Tim O'Neill said. "After sharing so many experiences with the crew of this boat, I feel that they are my family," smiled Lt. Loni Henderson. Several crewmen left the bridge rather hastily. "What kind of experiences? Who did you share them with?" Cmdr. Ford demanded. "Bridger Darwin's family. Bridger go away. Lucas ignore Darwin. Darwin sick and tired of being ignored," said Ensign Darwin. "New captain sucks big time. Get crew killed." Further comments were rendered untranslatable because Capt. Oliver Hudson smashed the vocorder. "I'm a Chippy. I don't have a family. I don't have a character either," J.J. Fredericks remarked. "Only wimps have families!" Captain Oliver Hudson said. This reporter left the bridge at high speed. **** REPORT FROM THE CONVENTION: A VISIT TO CHEAP CHARLIE'S - Sue and Deanna Three UEO Gazette staff members held a staff meeting at Questie Con '96. The staff members then left the Hotel on a tip that there would be interesting things to see at the Antique Shop called Cheap Charlie's. Arriving at Cheap Charlie's, nothing seemed too unusual until Editor Deanna (Ford Woman) spied a disco outfit once worn by Commander Ford hanging from the ceiling. There were several of the Disco outfits there but Deanna did not have room in her luggage to take them home with her. She did consider wearing them, but apparently the Canadian taste police would have arrested her. Staff member, Nibor, made the observance that most of the items in the shop were from estate sales. "This stuff belonged to dead people!!!!" The lots were probably bought after the deaths of the former owners. Nibor lead the search and many items from Wendy Smith, Miguel Ortiz and Jim Brody were found. Small mink stoles, clothes and collections of various knick knacks, medical books, encyclopedias and various sports items were part of the stock in the shop. It was reported that a break in several months ago netted the thieves all of the tank tops in the store. A set of Brody's drinking glasses were found and Nibor was overhead to say, "Yuck! Brody's lips were on that glass and he is dead now. Would you want to put your lips on that? I think not!" (Members of the EEKS society may disagree.) Photographs of Brody's grandparents were found and Nibor observed that even though they were dead they were still smiling. Ensign Sue DDFH found and purchased a book titled "Learn Spanish the Fast and Fun Way." This book used to belong to Miguel Ortiz and he always gave it to dates that he took home to meet his parents. She purchased this book for one dollar. Ensign Sue also found a set of wooden mixing spoons with zucchini handles believed to be once owned by Nick Piccolo. Says Sue, "They must be Nick's. I figure he is dead too, he wasn't mentioned at all third season and we all know how much he likes to cook." Non-dead people items found were a large Egyptian Collection and a Voodoo or Black Magic statue. It is believed that the large Egyptian collection which consisted of an inlaid throne, a bust of Tutankhamen and several wall hangings were donated to the Antique shop by Neptune after he realised he was Roman, not Egyptian. The Voodoo Devil was used by the technical Department to get the SCARAB units to move when the computer chips failed to generate power to them. Deanna (Ford Woman) is considering going back for the tacky Egyptian collection, Ensign Sue wants the Killer Potted Plants and the Nibor is going to purchase the Macronesian General's uniform and is still looking for the missing tank tops. **** SOCIAL CIRCLE - Nibor seaQuest's only television remote control was lost during a recent battle with an evil corporate mogul. The crew threaten to mutiny if they couldn't watch their favorite TV shows like "Nibor & Wendy 1995." When a furry creature theorized that they could change the channel by actually getting out of their seats and changing the channels manually, over 20 copies of the "Red Badge of Courage" flew across the room and hit the furry the creature in the head. The ship's only scientist, *Ensign* Lucas Walenczak, quickly came up with a solution. He remodulated Lt. JJ Freddie Fredricks's's psych implant into a remote control. "The one who controls the remote control, controls the TV, and controls the WORLD!" laughed Fredricks's. **** Some "Faves" of the sQ crew - Rufio Top 3 Films in Hyperion: The Aliens Trilogy Tobias' Fave Films: Star Wars Trilogy Lucas' Fave Commercial: Hair Club For Men [so that's what happened to his hair - ed.] Hudson's Fave TV Program: PBS's "Great Performances" (they do a lot of concerts...featuring violin...) Loni's Fave Store: Victoria Secret [doesn't she sleep au natural - ed.] [I don't think she sleeps - Nibor] Dagwood's Fave Food: Anything... TV seems to forget people and animal eat **** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 7 Section D - Classifieds February 15, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***By the gazette staff*** **with special guest - Gills** *** WANTED A key. I'm Brainlocked! 555-DSV1. Freddie. *** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Nuclear bombs don't kill people, people kill people, but nuclear bombs sure does make it easier and faster! *** FOR SALE Video. Shows *prominent* naval personality in *intimate* setting. Not for the squeamish! Call for price and details. D+W Enterprises. 555-DSV1, ask for "the Ensign." *** PSYCH IMPLANT 3000! Yes, it's the new PSYCH IMPLANT 3000! Not only does it control you psychologically, it's also a walk-man, a television remote control, a can ope ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com