Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:32:58 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1475] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 9 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 9 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:44:52 -0500 Last seen on UEO's most wanted . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 9 Deanna Toxopeus March 14, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- GAZETTE RISES FROM THE ASHES - Deanna A basement somewhere - Despite the fact that my staff is either imprisoned or missing, the Gazette is still getting out. Several people have come forward to write articles, you will see their fine contributions in this issue. In addition, several people have volunteered to deliver the Gazette. So if you see a large submarine parked outside your door, you are not being invaded that's just Captain Hitchcock making her rounds. We have had a few more reports about our missing people. It appears that Roberto, Marsupial and Rufio are all imprisoned. You will see the articles later in this issue. I would like to thank every one for their support. Keep those cards and letters coming! We can make the UEO change this fascist policy. **** WENDY RETURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Robin San Diego Island, United Islands - As prophesied by Nibor, the High Priest of the Wendy Cult, the psychic Dr. Wendy Smith has return to earth after more than 10 years in exile on Hyperion! Wendy was first spotted at precisely 1:33 PM Pacific Standard Time in a 7-11 on San Diego Island. "Yeah, Wendy came in and bought a Big Gulp and a Granola Bar! She mentioned that they didn't have Big Gulps on Hyperion and then she left! I feel so blessed!" exclaimed a 7-11 employee. However, the UEO still denies the existence of Dr. Wendy Smith. "Who's this Dr. Smith? What's the big deal?" asked Secretary McGath of the UEO. The High Priest had also prophesied that the return of Wendy would herald a new era in humanity in which both the UEO and the Evil Corporate Moguls of the world would be overthrown. With the return of Wendy, only time will tell whether the prophesy that this dark, foreboding, and evil future will end and peace will reign. Regardless, millions world wide are celebrating Wendy's return in what can only be compared to the New Year's celebration of the year 2000. **** VRAIETY SHOW SIGN UP - Tony Piccolo CAptian Hudson gave the OK today to have sign ups for a Vraiety show to be held next month. I put a paper in the board in the Mess so you guys put your names on it i you want to do something. I guess you can do stuff like sing and dance and stuff so put your name on the papar and write what you are gonna do. You gotta let me know if you are gonna need stuff for your act. We can go in that room where that Kreig guy had all that stuff in and maybe we can find things in there. **** UeO CAPTURES FURRY MARSUPIAL - MiLK Neo-Sacramento, North California - In a surprise attack against the Australian Alliance stronghold, Captain O. Hudson of the UeO seaQuest DSV has captured the leader of a small band of animals. "I'm recommending that he be put to sleep, this menace to society must be eradicated once and for all. Why are you all laughing at me?!" yelled Hudson as the mysterious hacker "L.W." struck once again and replaced the closed captioning with the words "I am Still a Big Wiener". **** ANOUNCMENT- Tony Piccalo I respctfuly recq.... ask that the person who keeps moving Darwin's fish bucket NKOCK IT OFF!!! I am gettin tired of looking all over fro it. Put it next to the moon pool and LEVE IT THEIR!!! Half the time me, Dag and Lucas look fro it we can't find it. Why you want to move it anyway? It stinks! Besides, if you like that bucket so muhc then you feed him! **** NEWS OF RUFIO!!!!!! - Deanna The following was received by yet another loyal Gazette reader. You guys are great!!! HELP!!! I'm stuck in a very deep hole somewhere between our raid site and my house. It's kind of dark, so I'm guessing that it's in the woods about 1 mile from my home. Please come quickly. Food and water rations are depleting. *********************END TRANSMISSION******************************** SECURITY LEAK AT BUCKYBALL PRISON - MiLK Black Buckyball Prison - The mysterious and elusive hacker known only by the initials "L.W." has struck yet again, this time at a maximum security compound. "We're not quite sure yet what happened," says one anonymous guard, "but apparently one of the inmates sent a message out to 'L.W.' using 2 paper cups and a very long piece of string. We're investigating the situation." On a video-conference call, Captain O.H. began, "This L.W. must be found and arrested IMMEDIATELY, this blatant violator of navy regulations..." Midway through the call the audio signal was jammed and the theme from an old children's show called "Barney and Friends" started playing. Everyone in the press center laughed. Hudson was enraged and turned off the monitor when "L.W." started broadcasting the new Flying Hot Dog Wiener Screen-saver across his face. **** MALFUNCTION IN DEON DEVICE KILLS HUNDREDS - Lonnie Henderson New Bjork Colony, Icelandic Empire - There was like this malfunction in some thingamajigger, so like that Bjork chick is like suing Larry Deon, er whatever. Is it just me or is Deon kinda cute? I mean those beautiful, big, brown eyes and that little tight butt of his. I guess he really isn't my "type." On second thought, I really don't have a "type." I really wouldn't mind rocking Deon's world. Oooooooooooo BABY! I know he's an Evil Corporate Mogul and he did try to kill me and everything, but I don't know, I kinda find that a little erotic! Oh, great, the stupid editor is yelling at me again! He's just mad because I screamed out, "DARWIN! DARWIN!" last night in bed! Anyways, several hundred colonist like died when that Deon thingamajigger broke and the colony like imploded, er whatever. But it's okay, I already dated all the men in that colony. **** FREDDIE SPEAKS OUT - J.J. "Freddie" Fredricks I know most of you don't know me because I don't speak much. So I jumped at the opportunity to write a new column in which I get to talk about anything I feel like. So I'd like to talk about the socio-economic ramifications of a free market economy on the indigenous people of the western Sahara in the post-millennium era. <<<<<>>>>> **** ADDISON, THE DRIVING STUFFED ANIMAL RESURRECTED - Roberto (phone it in) Hudson Bay, Canada - In an amazing discovery, seaQuest found the secret hidden base of the mad doctor Lester. Dr. Lester, still in his rat suit, had been missing for the past twenty years and had been presumed dead. His close friend and former partner, Mr. Beakman, had this to say, "You slay 'em! I'll fillet 'em! Let's do the funky chicken!" Whatever that means. Even more amazing, it was discovered by the seaQuest's only science member, *ENSIGN* Lucas Wolenczak, that Dr. Lester has been performing controversial science experiments in an effort to out do his former partner, Mr. Beakman. He had built a room sized Transtator Disinfobulator [tm], gathered the scattered lint remains of Addison, the Driving Stuffed Animal, and brought him back to life. The newly reborn Addison was in the process of turning chicken eggs into rubber using vinegar when he was found. Dr. Lester also increased Addison's IQ to an astonishing 622 level, but for some reason he still fails to recognize his former owner, Lenore Henderson, of seaQuest. "That can't be her." he stated. "The Loni I knew was sweet and innocent. This woman is a @$#*! Maybe she changed after she started hitting on the entire seaQuest crew. That's when she forgot about me. Stopped taking me to the bridge and stuff." Dr. Lester has been taken to the Westphalen Institute for the Criminally Insane for evaluation. Addison, under temporary care of seaQuest's Dagger-American crewman, Dagwood, is in negotiations with Aaron Spelling to star in his own 3DV television program. Crewman Dagwood, speaking of his temporary bunkmate, had this to say, "I will hold him, and pet him, and squeeze him. I won't let no one hurt him, George." **** klaslmo43lkda - Darwin sldjl;kjclz;djktu4094utoijal';lkgjasougioasjaasd;lkfjlksdlsdjcvasd sdasl lkvjlksjksjg094gk:LSKDgjkli94o90990894lkjldljklajkdlgjlk]q]r lkjasd FFFFFFFF lsd II sdjf9t SSSSSSSSS djlhhldk09 HH kfjs HH kl0 lsdkfj FF sdkjflksj0 II sadjfk SS 0u9lkgjkljljkjgkg HH skdf HH =44 sdkfl FF lkj099 lkj II dksjfa SS 984jtjljrlkjglkjf HH jlsf HH lga f k098 FFFFFF oriuij II alkajl SSSSSSSSS skd09 atkl HHHHHHHHHH jkl lskjkf FF gjksljgkjl II slkdjfklsdjfa SS jvlu--4tip HH z/sk HH``.d lk4309 FF , vv.fg';l II a[[}][lsg,mv. SS dfsdlf;lka HH 1l2L HH ;ds l;dkfm FF zsro9r09w; II 'a'sd SSSSSSSSSS a;q1;k2lrk HH a;kd HH )(- ;ldsf4t4;lkg;kl;';K;;L:;lkl;kdlf;g8-438i243kr;l.,mv;s';dka;uughrpp s;dgkl'Hudsonizaweeny;poiwt';lk30';lk;a';sdkg;lkklkls;kg;klkg;a';c **** ROBERTO CONTACTED FROM PRISON - Darwin Darwin is sorry for last article. Fins and nose type bad. Lucas use voice recorder for Darwin. Fish. Darwin now speak. Machine type. Roberto call Darwin. Roberto psychotic... psychic. Roberto contact Darwin. Fish. Darwin write for Roberto. Roberto arrested by UEO for Nibor support. Roberto in Big Black Rectangular Box Prison for Nibor support. Roberto have no Advil. Fish. Roberto sad. Darwin sad too. UEO bad. Roberto tired of Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra" music. Says it reminds him of Elvis. Fish. Roberto says Big Black Rectangular Box Prison is "full of stars". Had visit from Dave, today. Roberto's head hurts. Fish. Roberto wants Advil. Roberto counting dots on ceiling to pass time. Fishy, fish, fish. Darwin hungry. __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 8 Section B - Lifestyles March 14, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW HELMETS - Tim O'Neill seaQuest, Straights of Gibralter - Yes, most of us thought that the fighter pilots had a rough time, but we all know that the hardest thing on their minds were those dorky helmets. Some say they resemble the helmets from the movie "Flash Gordon" with the pike on top missing. Piccolo said, "Yeah I saw that movie "Flesh Gordon" but those helmets didn't have a pike on top." It seems that shortly after the death of our friend Jim Brody the UEO deemed it necessary to change the style of the helmet, especially after Captain Hudson used several of them for target practice one afternoon. Novice pilot, Tony Piccolo said, "I ain't wearing that stupid looking thing. Even the new helmets are pretty dorky." Captain Hudson also denied rumors that the helmets were cursed. **** DEAR DARWIN - Darwin Dear Darwin, My boyfriend left me and I'm so heartbroken! I loved him so much, but my love wasn't enough. He just laid there and didn't do anything all day. I tried to cheer him up, but he just sat there and mopped around. I gave him everything, but I didn't get anything back in return! Until finally he just up and left me without saying good bye. I still love him and want him back. I just want to know why seaQuest left me. What did I do so wrong? Wasn't my corn good enough? Sincerely, Miss Corn Field *** Dear Miss Corn Field, I've spoken with seaQuest and he said it wasn't your fault. It was all his. He just felt that you guys were from two different worlds. You were a country girl and he was just an old fashion sea dog that belong in the ocean. He knew the other corn fields were making fun of you and he just didn't want to hurt you anymore. That's why he was acting so distant. He was feeling so depressed and thought it was better if he just left. I told seaQuest the story of the Little Mermaid, a story of two lovers from different worlds and who's love triumphant over their adversities. In the end, Aerial got legs and moved on land and married the Prince. If you two love each other so much, it shouldn't matter if he's a submarine and you're a corn field. Give it a second chance, and if the other corn fields and submarines make fun of you, they're just a bunch of ignorant fools who don't know what true love is. - Darwin **** Dear UEO Gazette, Is the UEO stupid or what? What are they teaching those kids in the UEO Academy? Sheesh, if you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it! And history *is* repeating itself! Daggers are being treated like Blacks in the 50's, the current "Cold War" with the UEO and the Macronesian Alliance, and the most shocking, DISCO IS BACK! History is important, learn from it! Read your American history books! Disco should have never come back! Stop disco dancing on trains! Sincerely, Mr. Henry T. Owen History Teacher and President & Founder of STOP DISCO DANCING FOUNDATION *** Dear UEO Gazette, I'm writing to you to express my dismay to the UEO's Big Black Pyramid Prison. It's just not geometrically pleasing! So I suggest that the UEO build a "Big Red Cylinder Prison!" On the side of the prison, they can write "Cylinder Of Kept Enemies" or just plain "COKE" in big white letters. Sincerely, Mr. & Mrs. Polar Bear **** CAFETERIA NEWS- Dagwood There is not enough pineapples. Get more fruit. Thank you. **** SPECIAL SCREENING - Gromit A special screening of "Jiffy Mart Dreams: An Unauthorized Biography of Nibor" will be held in the seaQuest lounge. So guys bring your popcorn and candybars! P.S. Loni, this does not give you permission to makeout during the movie! We've had complaints last time! JIFFY MART DREAMS: AN UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF NIBOR Just as fast as Nibor was thrown in jail, five new unauthorized biographies of the "UEO Terrorist" Nibor were in the works. However, ABCDEF beats the pack. The movie features Nibor's tragic childhood growing up without Mentos, his dream of stardom while working at a Jiffy Mart, his abduction by almond-eyed aliens, his rumored tawdry, torrid, illicit affair with Sandra Bullock, his conversion into the Wendy Cult, his back stage bickering on the set of "Nibor & Wendy 1995," and his rise in power as a writer, talk show host, spokesperson, actor, high priest, butcher, baker, candle stick maker, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, and now terrorist. __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 9 Section C - Classifieds March 14, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***By the Gazette staff*** *** FOR SALE- Tony Piccolo One officers training manaul. Used a lot. No garantee you will pass the damn test! Also, if you need help studyng, ask Loni but don't get any ideas or some officer will yell at you for spending more time with her then he does. *** MEMBERSHIP DRIVE Join the drive to peacefully protest the arrest of Nibor by the UEO. Our goal is to not wash our hair until Nibor is free. A $20 donation to the FNF gets you a free bucket of hair grease. For more info, call Lucas at 555-YUCK. *** FOR SALE Pants. Get into the pants of your favorite seaQuest crewmember. An entire selection of male pants available. I've got 'em all. A few female. Inquiries welcome. Note: Bridger and Ortiz pants are extra rare! 555-LONI *** MESSAGE To the person who stole the cookies. Please return. Mom sent them to me. It's the only acknowledgement I have from her that I've been to another planet outside our solar system. -- Tim **** MANILOW SINGS!!!! Ladies! Manilow Crocker, famous for his sea shanties, has released a new album. That's right, this time our Man-o-love has chosen to serenade us with such classics as Annie's Song, Lady, When a Man Loves a Woman and many, many more. To get this album send $19.95 to P.O. Box 2018, New capeQuest. Copies of of the sea shanty album are still available. Send your money now!!!!!!! *** FREE NIBOR HOTLINE For all you Nibor-related questions. Hourly updates on Free Nibor demonstrations and the UEO's pathetic attempts to control them. Also, exclusive hints from seasoned professionals on how to stage YOUR OWN Free Nibor rally! 1-800-FRE-NBOR *** FREE NIBOR KITS For the novice. Includes FREE NIBOR t-shirt and pins (one for you, one to stick on the next UEO official you see), symbolic Advil necklace, list of addresses of prominent UEO officials to harass, and the FREE NIBOR HANDBOOK, which is full of handy ideas for nonviolent protests. And a few not-so-nonviolent protests. Telepathically contact any Cult of Wendy member. *** MESSAGE Dear "L.W." Please stop calling Oliver Hudson a wiener. It's very bad for our business. No one wants to be reminded of Hudson while they're having a barbecue, so our wiener sales are plummeting! Wiener-Makers of the UEO *** MESSAGE Dear Wiener-Makers, I'm really sorry about your sales. But Hudson IS a wiener. It's a scientific fact, and I tell you that as a scientist. Nothing I do can change it. Go with the flow -- start calling wieners "hudsons," and vengeful people might buy them. L.W. *** MESSAGE To whom it may concern, THE NEXT PERSON TO CALL ME A WIENER GETS A PUNCH IN THE NOSE! Oliver Hudson, Capt. *** MESSAGE Wiener! anonymous *** FREE NIBOR EMPORIUM "An excellent source for Nibor-related merchandise" Pres. Ben Krieg. Show your support for Nibor and the UEO Gazette with products from the F.N.E! T-shirts, pins, towels, placemats, dishes, bookbags, umbrellas, tote bags, watches, earrings, toilet paper, wall paper, pillboxes, Mentos holders, whipped cream dispensers, and MORE! ALL bearing the distinctive FREE NIBOR logo! Call 1-800-BUY-STUF NOW for your catalogue! All proceeds benefit the Free Nibor Foundation. (Treasurer Roberto). ****************************************************************************** Deanna Toxopeus * Bridger's Fleet * Syndicate seaQuest!!! Carleton University * says * email: DSV4600@gate.net dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca * !!!FREE NIBOR!!!! * ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com