==========================================================================
                                 FLIGHT TRIP
                                   Unknown
==========================================================================
   Timeline: Misc, spoofs, ...
   Author's E-Mail: <unlisted>
==========================================================================


On the trip from Chicago O'Hare to Denver, the cockpit crew accidentally
left the intercom system on, providing nervous passengers with in-flight
entertainment.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Welcome aboard the American Airlines' Fokker 100 direct flight to Denver
International Airport. I'm Lonnie, your flight attendant. Your crew today
is Captain Lucas Wolenczak, Navigations Officer Seaman Anthony Piccolo,
and First Officer Commander J.J. Fredricks. The Commander is currently
experiencing difficulties with her vocal cords due to the psych implant
on her neck but rest assured she's become quite adept at sign language
and is perfectly capable of flying the plane if she is needed. Our
estimated arrival time at Denver International Airport is 1:00 pm Mountain
Time. After takeoff flight attendants will be serving drinks and a light
snack of Mentos and Advil.

CAPTAIN WOLENCZAK:
How do I turn this thing on?

SEAMAN PICCOLO:
I thought you were supposed to be the computer genius.
Have you seen my glasses?

CAPTAIN:
Freddie sat on them. Hang on, I think I've got it.

SEAMAN:
Oh well, I'll muddle thr...
<click, then several moments of silence>
<click>

CAPTAIN:
Okay. Time to take off. What's... oh, wait. Freddie, get
clearance.

SEAMAN:
What's she saying?

CAPTAIN:
Wish we'd brought O'Neill. Oh well, I can probably avoid the
other planes. Can't be much harder than driving seaQuest.

SEAMAN:
Okay, supergenius. How do we drive this big boat?

CAPTAIN:
First we take off.

SEAMAN:
How do we do that?

CAPTAIN:
Point the engines at the ground, of course. Where are the rotator
controls? Freddie, lean out the window and tell me if this does
anything.

SEAMAN:
Congratulations, Captain. You've discovered windshield wipers.

CAPTAIN:
Hey, give me a break. I'm doing pretty well so far for my first
time. I figured out the intercom. Freddie, anything happening? Oh
great. Any clue what she's saying?

SEAMAN:
I'll take a look. Hey, you made the wingflaps move!

CAPTAIN:
Up or down?

SEAMAN:
Both. Hey, Luke, babe alert. Luggage handlers at four o'clock.

CAPTAIN:
Be serious, Tony. Help me look for a manual or something.

SEAMAN:
Sir, yes sir.

CAPTAIN:
Oh, wait. I found it!

SEAMAN:
Hudson gave me a book about fighter pilots in WW2, if that would
help.

CAPTAIN:
Did it have takeoff procedures?

SEAMAN:
I don't know. I didn't understand most of it.

CAPTAIN:
These diagrams don't look anything like the controls I have
here. Where's this engine thrust switch?

SEAMAN:
That looks like it.
<plane leaps backward suddenly>

CAPTAIN:
Brakes!
<plane stops>

CAPTAIN:
Where's the horn? What a mororn. Tony, take the radio. Tell 'em
we're taking off.

SEAMAN:
Yes, sir. Hey, tower people. This is flight... Hey, Lucas, what's
our flight number?

CAPTAIN:
Ask Freddie.

SEAMAN:
Freddie? Umm... this is flight number... 'bird flying low over
Bahamas?' Nice, Freddie. We're taking off.
<plane leaps backward again and stops>

CAPTAIN:
Sorry, sorry, forgot to take it out of reverse.

SEAMAN:
What a cheezy in-flight magazine! Have you seen this?

CAPTAIN:
Not now, Tony. I'm taking off.

SEAMAN:
Yeah, but does the plane know that?
<plane leaps forward and zooms down runway, swerving around other planes>

CAPTAIN:
Okay, we're doing well. Which one's our exit?

SEAMAN:
Do I look like a map?

CAPTAIN:
Sometimes you look like a map of Wyoming. C5. Where does
that go?

SEAMAN:
Looks like Cancun, only less scenic.

CAPTAIN:
They've all got to go somewhere. I'll take this one.
<plane turns sharply>

CAPTAIN:
Jesus, this thing corners like an old Volvo!

SEAMAN:
Uh, Lucas, I think this is for service vehicles... Pole!

CAPTAIN:
I see it, I see it.
<plane swerves, dips sharply>

SEAMAN:
I think this is the median.

CAPTAIN:
Brilliant, Tony.
<plane swerves again>

CAPTAIN:
Oh, here's the runway. Perfect!

SEAMAN:
I like to reflect on my life every once in a while.

CAPTAIN:
Chill, Tony. I can handle it. I have a PhD in airplane
psychology.

SEAMAN:
What the hell is that?

CAPTAIN:
Don't panic. Okay. Cut engines...
<plane slows to a stop>

CAPTAIN:
Oh, hey, flaps. Pull them in.

SEAMAN:
How?

CAPTAIN:
I'll do it.

SEAMAN:
Windshield wipers.

CAPTAIN:
Right. I knew that. Okay. Flaps in... are we supposed to take
the landing gear in now, or after takeoff?

SEAMAN:
I think we need the wheels.

CAPTAIN:
Oh, yeah. Now, which of these engines speeds us up to takeoff
speed? I... think that's it.
<engines rev>

CAPTAIN:
Okay. I'll tell the flight attendants to prepare.
<click, then several moments of silence>
<click>

CAPTAIN:
Let's go.
<plane jumps forward with a jarring jolt and speeds up rapidly>

CAPTAIN:
Oh, great. How do I get the nose up? Watch the plane for me,
Freddie. Doesn't this manual have a quick reference index? Oh,
here it is.
<plane tilts back sharply>

CAPTAIN:
Very cool!

SEAMAN:
Hey, Luke. If you care, there's a plane ahead of us.

CAPTAIN:
We're fine.

SEAMAN:
It's landing.

CAPTAIN:
We're fine.
<plane slowly eases up off the runway, narrowly missing the tail of the
other plane>

CAPTAIN:
Told you so. Okay, now I retract the wheels.

SEAMAN:
It's not raining, Luke.

CAPTAIN:
I know that! Wheels retracted. Okay, let's get this baby up.
<plane continues to ascend, relative silence for a few moments>

SEAMAN:
I wonder if this thing can do barrel rolls...

CAPTAIN:
Chill, Tony.

SEAMAN:
Hey, just a thought.
<muffled radio chatter>

CAPTAIN:
See what they want now, will you, Tony?

SEAMAN:
Yo, what's up, control? Hey, chill. He knows what he's doing.
Yeah, yeah. Don't you have anything better to do than to talk
about the weather? Get a life, kid.
<radio chatter fades>

CAPTAIN:
Thanks, Tony. I'm having enough trouble as it is. I wish they
had signs up here! I have no clue how to get to... hell. Where
are we going?

SEAMAN:
Freddie says 'Seattle.'

CAPTAIN:
How can you tell?

SEAMAN:
She's miming 'umbrella.'

CAPTAIN:
That's 'snow.' Skiing. Denver!

SEAMAN:
Where's that?

CAPTAIN:
West, I think. Where's the compass?

SEAMAN:
Do you know how to read it?

CAPTAIN:
Sure. <pause> Oops.
<plane turns sharply, throwing passengers toward the left side as the
wing tilts down>

CAPTAIN:
Okay. Now we're going west.

SEAMAN:
Great flying.

CAPTAIN:
I said it couldn't corner.

SEAMAN:
Flashing red light ahead. Does that mean stop?

CAPTAIN:
We're in an airplane, Tony. I don't think we can stop. I
wouldn't want to anyway, in case this thing stalls. Okay,
we've reached cruising altitude. I can turn off the fasten
seatbelts sign.
<loud bang>

CAPTAIN:
Oops.

SEAMAN:
What's that red light on your board?

CAPTAIN:
I just opened the luggage compartment.
<long pause>

SEAMAN:
Well, luggage gets lost all the time. They're used to it. We can
pull a McGath is anyone asks and deny the existance of any luggage
on this flight.

CAPTAIN:
Good thinking. Okay, we've smoothed out. Let me check all the
gauges.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Hi guys. Advil? Mentos? Can I get you something to
drink? Everyone's dessert rations? Me to... be with you?

CAPTAIN:
I'll have a Sprite and some Mentos.

SEAMAN:
I'll have a Coke and some Advil. This guy's driving is giving
me a headache. Any whipped cream?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Non-dairy creamer.

SEAMAN:
Oh well. Freddie, want anything?

CAPTAIN:
'One.'

SEAMAN:
One what?

CAPTAIN:
Maybe that means something else. She's not using her index
finger.

SEAMAN:
Get her some Mentos. Might make her feel better. Shouldn't you
update the passengers or something?

CAPTAIN:
Oh, right.
<click, then long silence>
<plane starts shaking>

(to be continued)


===========================  PART 2  =====================================


(Part 2)

<click>

SEAMAN:
What's happening?

CAPTAIN:
Looks like we have some interference. Could be from an electronic
device. I'll call the flight attendant up and have her check the
passengers. Flight attendant, please report to the cabin.

SEAMAN:
Ever seen dials do that spinny thing on one of these before?

CAPTAIN:
Nope.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Hi guys. What do you need?

CAPTAIN:
Could you check the passengers and see who's using an electronic
device?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Sure! Anything... else?

CAPTAIN: That's it.

SEAMAN:
What's generally the procedure when it gets bumpy?

CAPTAIN:
I think I'm supposed to tell the passengers to fasten their
seatbelts because we're having a little turbulence.
<click, then several moments of silence>
<click>

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Nobody was using one.

SEAMAN:
Except Freddie.

CAPTAIN:
Her implant! It's receiving transmissions to regulate her
emotions. That's it. We'll have to shut it off.

SEAMAN:
Won't she go bonkers?

CAPTAIN:
Freddie? No. She might have a breakdown, but those implants are
just for mildly unstable people.

SEAMAN:
What's she saying?

CAPTAIN:
Probably not important. Shut it off.
<pause, then plane stops shaking>

CAPTAIN:
Perfect. I'll switch off the fasten seatbelts sign.

SEAMAN:
Luke, that's the win...

CAPTAIN:
Don't say it.
<ding>

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Here are your snacks.

CAPTAIN:
Thanks, Lonnie. Freddie looks like she could really use those
Mentos.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
You're welcome.

CAPTAIN:
Would you stop leaning over in front of my panel? This is
important stuff!

SEAMAN:
Freddie?

CAPTAIN:
Hey, watch it, Tony! You keep jostling my arm and shaking up my
Sprite.

SEAMAN:
Uh, Captain Genius, I think there's something wrong with Freddie.

CAPTAIN:
Freddie?
<hacking, evil laugh>

CAPTAIN:
Freddie? What are you doing with that... uh... sharp, pointy,
technical-type thingy?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
EEEK! EEEK! EEEEEEEK!

SEAMAN:
She's got Lonnie! Do something, Lucas! Rescue her!

CAPTAIN:
Why?

SEAMAN:
Because! Because... because... because it's the sort of
thing a captain does.

CAPTAIN:
I thought it was something a captain ordered a subordinate to
do.

SEAMAN:
Hey, I ain't one of your crew. I'm along for the Mentos. Where's
that other flight attendant, whatsername with the weird headband
who got us the

SEAMAN:
Have you tried Mentos?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
<pop>
<plane curves up sharply in an amazing spiral>
<flaps open and glitter showers into the air, sparkling in the
red-gold sun>
<the clouds break apart and from a shaft of light a heavenly
chorus belts out the Mentos theme>
<the plane begins to descend, slowing as it nears the ground
and scores a perfect three-point touchdown>

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1:
EEEEK! <thump>

CAPTAIN:
Passed out from oxygen starvation.

SEAMAN:
Where are we?

CAPTAIN:
Umm... <pause> Denver International Airport.

HEAVENLY CHORUS:
...Mentos, fresh and full of life!!
<music fades>
<silence>
<plane coasts to gate>

CAPTAIN:
Well, that was fun.

SEAMAN:
Aren't you supposed to tell the passengers we're here?

CAPTAIN:
Oh, yeah.
<click, then several moments of silence>
<click>

CAPTAIN:
See? I can fly.

SEAMAN:
Sure. No problem.
<muffled radio chatter>

CAPTAIN:
Tony...

SEAMAN:
I'll fix 'em. HEY, TOWER GUYS! BREATHE THIS!!
<smash>

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2:
Thank you for choosing American Airlines, and we hope you
had a pleasant and entertaining flight. We hope to see you
again sometime soon. Remember, Mentos, the freshmaker; fresh
and full of life!


-The End-
==========================================================================