Dear Friends, Here it is. The time has finally come to give Tony Piccolo his birthday party. It will follow in five installments. It has been censored, wordwise, to protect the innocent. All original situations have been kept intact. Thanks to my friends on this mailing list. Thanks to the "real" people on this wonderful show that I really enjoy. I hope everyone has fun with this. Sue T. With apologies to Michael D. (whose VOICE I couldn't get out of my head as I wrote this) Tony looked up into a set of large brown eyes as dark as his own. "What?" "This is a 'seven' not a 'one' and this is an 'o' not an 'a'," Dagwood explained waving a torn piece of paper in the air. The two men were standing in front of an abandoned building. "Let me see that." Tony snatched the paper from Dag's hand. "So it's '127 Holly' not '121 Hally'. We need to go to Holly Road. Great! No wonder O'Neill uses the computer so much. He can't write. Now we have to drive clear across town to get this mystery box for the captain. There are a bunch of scientists and university stooges on the seaQuest studying some unnecessary new plant in the hydroponics lab. We are docked until next week with all leaves cancelled until Saturday. Today is Wednesday. Today is my birthday and it stinks!" "Aren't you going to have a 'Happy Birthday' Tony?" "What, are you kidding? How can I have a happy birthday on a Wednesday when I am hauling your big butt around town on a wild goose chase for a box that probably should have been delivered to the sQ in the first place. My idea of a happy birthday is one heck of a party with plenty of booze and plenty of women. Do you see any of that around here?" "Nooooo," Dagwood paused. "Tony, where's the wild goose?" Twenty minutes of ranting and raving later the blue UEO Hum Vee pulled in beside a vintage red Porche in the parking lot of the "Package Depot". "You stay here Dag. Maybe we can make this quick and get back to the boat." Tony jumped out and did not wait for a reply. All the clerks were busy when he entered but he went to the counter and made his own line. "Anybody home" Anyone here can help me?" Tony started rapping his knuckles on the counter top. "I need a package for Nathan Bridger," Tony yelled impatiently over the counter. The reward for all this noise resulted in the attention of a well built blonde in a short skirt. She walked to the counter and stopped directly in front of him. "May I help you sir?" Her name tag said "Venita". Tony cleared his throat, smiled and said, "Package for Nathan Bridger." "Are you Bridger?" "No, I'm his gofer." "Just a moment please." Venita walked over to a stack of boxes and bent over looking for the right name. Tony was in heaven as he searched every curve of her body with his eyes. A song he heard at an oldies dance came to mind, "Brick House". She had straight blond hair, tattoo on her right ankle and legs that went all the way up to her.... Venita shot straight up as if she had been pinched on the behind by an invisible hand. She turned quickly, glaring at Tony and stormed to the counter so fast he had no time to avoid a slap in the face that echoed in the lobby of the "Depot". Everything became very quiet. "You pervert! How dare you think those things about me," she hissed through gritted teeth. "You are a real pig!" Stunned, Tony did not have time to duck the roundhouse punch that landed on his nose causing the blood to flow. "Geez lady! Calm down! I didn't say a thing," Tony protested. His hand was shaking badly and he had trouble getting his handkerchief out of his back pocket. Had the person on the other side of the counter been a man, Tony would have been on the guy like a shot. No mercy. But, this was a woman and a beautiful one at that. His emotions were in an uproar. He was confused, ashamed, embarassed and very POed all at the same time. People were staring at him. Trying to stop his bleeding nose he hadn't noticed that Venita had left and returned with a box and a clipboard which she plopped down on the counter in front of him. "Sign here gofer!" Tony stuffed the bloody hanky into his pocket, signed his name, grabbed the box and quickly headed to the door. God, he thought, she read me. How could she read me? Was she psychic? What did Dr. Smith say a couple weeks ago? It's easy for people with psychic abilities to read others with the same abilities. Well, she didn't LOOK psychic. Tony opened the door to a LOT of shouting. To be continued in part 2.... "Listen freak. I said move that piece of junk it's too close to my car!" The voice belonged to a well dressed man in a suit shouting up into Dagwood's face. "I can't move it. I'm not allowed to drive., " Dagwood said calmly but loudly as he towered over the man. Tony stopped dead in his tracks mouth open. Now what? "I don't care. Don't you understand, dummy? I want you to move that vehicle. Are you retarded or something?" That did it. Tony snapped. Besides, he felt like hitting something. He broke into a run placing one foot on the hub of the front passenger side wheel. With one swift movement he set the package on the wide hood sliding across to land directly in front of the man. Grabbing his lapels, Tony shouted into the man's face, "Retarded? Don't you EVER call him retarded! Who do you think you are pal? Do you know just how dangerous this guy can get?" Tony pinned the man against the shiny red car setting off the alarm system. "Careful," he gasped, "this is an antique Porche!" "Yeah, I know. It's a glorified antique Volkswagen and I don't give a sh...." A large multicolored arm came across Tony's chest, cutting off that last word, and enveloped him in a bear hug. "Let go Tony. Let's go home." The softness of Dagwood's voice had a calming effect. Tony let go. As he got into the blue UEO vehicle he shot the man in the suit another dirty look. "Never call him retarded!" He carefully backed out of the parking space turning paralel to the road and watched the red car squeal tires out of the lot. "Are you OK Tony? Did that man hurt you?" "No, I'm OK. Why?" "You have blood on your shirt." Tony looked down at two small perfectly round drops of blood above his name. "Forget about it Dag. That guy really burns me up. You aren't retarded. You just haven't caught up to the rest of us yet. You know, sometimes being with you all day is like dragging your little brother around because your parents made you do it. You constantly need watching." "I can't be." "Can't be what?" "Your little brother. I"m bigger and older so, I can't be your little brother. I"ll be your big one though." "What? Are you nuts?" "Captain Bridger says that when people are together on a boat long enough they become family to each other." "So.... What's the point?" "You can adopt me!" Tony rolled his eyes. "I'll think about it." Dagwood smiled and started to hum. A loud horn startled the two. A blond in a mini van was honking like mad and they had her blocked in. It was Venita the goddess from hell. "Well, are you going to move that thing or are you going to sit here all day? I have another job to go to and I don't want to be late!" They took off. "Pull over and park!" Dagwood was bouncing up and down in his seat. "Why?" "Do it!" Tony pulled to the curb and Dagwood jumped out before he could be stopped. Sticking his head in the window he said, "I'll be right back!" He disappeared around the corner. Great! Now he's AWOL! I hate Wednesdays. What a birthday! He checked out his nose in the rearview, not too much damage and he had kept the blood off his face. Wait until Saturday, he thought. After today I NEED to go out! I'm going to get the guys, and we are going to find some women and I'm going to get... "Snotfaced?" It was Dag returning to the HV. "No Dag. A different word." Dagwood closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them. "Oh! Tony, what does sh.." Tony cut him off. "Dag! Don't repeat that it's not nice to say." "You said it." "No, I didn't! I was thinking it. That's different. Stay out of my head Dag!" "Well don't think so loud," he said handing Tony an ice cream cone. "Happy Birthday Tony!" Dagwood had a big grin on his face. They made it back to the seaQuest in time for the end of dinner, and delivered the package to Betsy as ordered. Tony was starved. At least he thought he was. Ever since that crazy doctor messed with their heads, Tony sometimes knew what Dagwood was thinking and what Dagwood felt. It didn't happen often but it gave him the creeps when it did. The worst thing was that rare occasion when he was physically too close to the big guy, then Dagwood could pick up bits and pieces of what Tony was thinking. Dr. Smith said it had something to do with the shared dream, the electricity of the brain and frequency of brainwaves. A connection had been made. He wished it would go away. Tony had spent a week trying to read all of his friend's minds to see if anyone was planning a party for him and all he got was a headache. Dag followed Tony with his tray to the table where Ortiz, O'Neill and Brody were finishing their meals. "Sorry big guy. No more seats. Go over and sit with Lisa. She's by herself." "So, you lucky bum. How was your day?" Ortiz took another bite of his buttered roll. "Lucky? You call me lucky? It sucked air thanks to Tim's lousy penmnaship. I had a hard time figuring out the address. I had to drag Dagwood all over town. It became a real adventure." Tim pointed his finger to his own chest and looked defensive. "How could it be so bad," Brody asked. "At least you two got off the boat We are all stuck here until Saturday." "Well, so far this is one crummy birthday!" "Oh yeah, the one you have been telling us about for two weeks now." Tim picked up the mess around his tray and stood up. Ortiz piped in, "How you were so neglected as a kid and you never had any real parties." "Boo, hoo, hoo!" Brody winked then covered his face with his hands and sobbed some more. "Poor, poor me. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'll go eat worms," added Lucas in a sing song voice. He walked up to the group and placed his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony brushed it off. Laughter came from the next table and he turned his head in time to see Lisa mouth the "new word" Dagwood learned today. Pleased that he had said something funny, Dagwood laughed along with her. Ed Fox one of the Techs walked by with an empty tray, backed up and stopped. "Hey, Tony! You know you have blood on your shirt? What happened?" "Cut myself shaving." Lucas put his hand over his mouth to stifel a laugh and shot Ed a look of warning behind Tony's back. Ed moved on passing Loni on his way out. "So guys, back to the birthday thing. I want to make plans for Saturday night." "Oh yeah," Loni chimed in. "Tony gives new meaning to the phrase 'soaked to the gills'." Everyone at the table broke into laughter and one by one left until Tony was sitting alone. But not for long. Dr. Wendy Smith gracefully eased into the chair opposite his. Her tone was not so genteel. To be continued in part 3... "You better knock it off bub!" Wendy Smith pointed her finger. "What I do now?" "You have been trying to read minds all week without permission. That is not ethical. I know you must be feeling anxious about your birthday but picking people's brains is no way to go about getting the information. You know if you want to develop those psychic and precognitive skills you are going to need professional help to..." "No way! There is no way you are going to send me off to be somebody's lab rat! I have had my fill of mad scientists and crazy doctors!" "Have it your way Tony. But remember, I'm watching you." He felt as if the whole world had turned against him. Nothing was going right. Tony made it down the steps and headed for his bunk and plopped down. "Boy, what a day!" "Day's not over yet", Lucas said from the top bunk. "Got a surprise for you. He gestured to the computer desk where there was a single chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. "Sorry I couldn't get off the boat to get you something nicer. Maybe you can take me with you Saturday night. You could always use a designated driver." "Thanks Lucas. You're all right kid." Tony picked up the cake. "You know it's just begging for a glass of milk." Tony stared at the cupcake a while then decided that Lucas was right. A cold glass of milk didn't sound too bad at all! He was up the steps and out the door in a flash so fast he didn't see Lucas take the com unit from under the pillow or hear him say, "He's on his way." There were only two other people in the mess when he walked in, captain Bridger and Betsy from hydroponics. Bridger turned to Tony eying the chocolate cupcake. "Where did you get that?" "Birthday present from Lucas, sir. Just came in for a glass of milk." "Oh yes, I remember hearing that. Happy Birthday, Tony and thank you for getting my package today." "Thank you, sir. Was everything OK?" "I don't know. Did everything check out when you took care of the package for me Betsy?" "Yes sir. Everything was just fine." Suddenly the conversation was interrupted by an all call coming over the PA. "Incoming transmission for Captain Bridger." "I'll take it in here Commander Ford." The screen flickered to life with the face of the county sheriff. "Bill, my friend. What can I do for you?" "I'm afraid it's bad news Nathan. There has been a fire at your beach house. I need you to come to my office right away. I'll fill you in when you get here." The sheriff's face flickered and the screen went back to the UEO logo. "Oh great! Piccolo, you are going to drive. Betsy, have Kachmar get us a mini van. I may need to bring a few things back here." He looked at Tony standing with his mouth open holding his chocolate cupcake. "Well man, get moving!" Tony put the cupcake in Bridger's hand and ran out the door. Nathan smiled and killed the cupcake in two bites. Tony tried his best not to grumble and gripe as he pulled around back to the parking lot of the Sheriff's Department. Bridger turned to the back seat as he opened the door, "Kachmar, keep him in the van. I don't want him wandering off." Bridger glanced in the direction of the bar across the street. So much for city planning. Ten. Fifteen minutes went by. It was getting dark and Tony was getting antsy. He tried talking to Diane but every time he turned around she seemed to be looking out the window and when he turned to the front, he would hear her snicker. Twenty minutes. Bridger jumped in the passenger side, slapped Tony on the shoulder and yelled, "Move out!" Nearing the turn off to the beach house, a fire truck whizzed by coming from that direction. Oh man! This must be bad, Tony thought. He felt bad. He really liked the beach house. It was at the picnic at the beach house that Bridger first paid any attention to him and the first time they had had a real conversation. To be continued in part 4...... Everything was dark when he parked the van. The glow of firelight was coming from somewhere behind the house and the smell of smoke was in the air. All three piled out of the van and walked to the dark front door. With a hand on the doorknob Bridger closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened the door to the dark house. Tony stared into the dark room not seeing a thing. Bridger winked at Diane. She then put both hands square on Tony's back and pushed him into the house. The lights came on and nearly forty people shouted "Surprise" and began to sing 'Happy Birthday'. Tony was shocked again for the zillionth time that day. Loni grabbed his arm and pulled him into the center of the room. He looked around in wide eyed wonder. There were balloons of every kind and size all over the room with streamers and confetti everywhere. A banner that said 'Happy Birthday Fish Face' draped one wall. There was an air hockey table, an ancient game of Twister in the corner, pin the tail on the donkey, bean bag toss and a number of other games that Tony didn't know the names of. He didn't speak. The whole thing was starting to sink in. Of all the things he secretly wanted most in the world, to be accepted, to be needed, to be liked and have friends, it was a very scary thing. Every eye on the place was on him and he wanted to run. But Loni was standing there holding him in place. Tony looked at all the familiar faces. The song was over. "Happy Birthday, Tony. We all wanted to give you something you never had. A kids party. We have all of this", she gestured around the room, "plus four horses outside for "pony rides" and a bonfire on the beach. She kissed him on the cheek and everyone cheered. "You set this up", Tony asked incredulously. "No, I just helped. We all helped. This was the captain's idea." Tony looked over to see Bridger grinning ear to ear. "I'm guilty. I set it up and had Lucas divide everything between your friends. Even you had something to do Tony. We couldn't let Dagwood know what was going on because he is the one person's mind you probably could read. So, Tim's bad handwriting kept you two out all day. I had to get permission from the sheriff for the bonfire and the fire department supervised when we built it Diane kept you in the van in the back parking lot because we didn't want you to see the guests driving by on their way to get here." "Open the presents! Open the presents!" Lucas was going around the room starting the chant. Loni dragged him over to a table of brightly wrapped and decorated boxes of various sizes. Most of the gifts were gags. A box of dental floss from Wendy Smith with a piece of tape over 'dental' and the word 'mental" written on it. Socks from Lucas with a note begging him to throw his old smelly ones out. Some gifts were from the heart. A beautiful quartz geode from Dagwood that they found in a cave on last months camping trip. There were two boxes left on the table. Tony picked up the one that was shoe box size. A big mistake. The box was rigged so that it's contents would fall out onto the table. Tony stared red faced at the dozens and dozens of little square packages attached to each other with the circular impression in the center of each square. "What the heck!?" "Sorry Tony, it's only a gross." Brody choked out the words. Miguel added, "Yeah, and if you run out we'll get you more next year." A roar went through the crowd. Loni felt sympathy for Tony at that moment. "He's embarrassed! I never thought I'd see that." Tony gingerly picked up the last box and tore off the paper. His jaw dropped when he saw the label on the box. "Quint's Nautical Treasures, Mail order Div." Tony had run all over town for his own birthday present. Tony ripped into the box and found a beautiful brass sextant. He had been making smart remarks about most of the other presents but he now stood silent. This was the nicest and classiest present he had ever received in his life. "Someday when you are an old sailor like me Tony, you can look at that thing and remember that there was someone who never wanted you to lose your way." The voice belonged to Nathan Bridger. Tony tried to get the words "thank you" out of his mouth but nothing came. "Cut the cake", yelled Ed Fox and Tony found himself whisked over to a large cake and a knife placed in his hand. To be continued in part 5... Walking to one side of the cake he brought the blade two inches from the top and then the table began to shake. The false top popped up and springing out of the cake from under the table was a clown. Not just any clown, a clown in a bikini! She wore a bright red fuzzy wig and had red circle painted cheeks, painted eyes and a large white smile outlined in red. There was a red ball on the end of her nose and sheer dotted sleeves on her arms that matched the color of the dotted bikini. In her left hand was a twisted mass of balloons. "Where is the Birthday Boy", she shouted as she hopped off the cake table. Walking over to Tony she placed the silly balloon hat on his head. "Happy Birthday, Big Boy." She ran the fingers of her left hand through Tony's short hair cupping her hand to the back of his head. Her right hand grabbed his butt and she pulled him tight into an embrace. "Here's your present." She pressed her lips firmly to his and gave him a very, very long kiss. There were oohs and aahs and giggles from just about everyone. Tony's eyes slowly closed and he found himself short of breath. Arms limp at his sides he dropped the cake knife. His head was swimming by the time she let him go. Putting her lips to his ear she whispered "Sorry about the bloody nose, gofer. The guys said there was an extra $25 in it for me if I gave you a hard time. Hey, and I can't really read minds." Tony grabbed her shoulders and held her at arms length. "Venita", he gasped. "My friends call me 'Vinnie'." The clown was smiling at him. He shot a glance at where his buddies once stood but, they were scattering. "It was only $5 each, a real bargain", said Ed ducking behind Commander Ford. Dagwood stood near the cake with three red helium balloons in his hand. "Can I have a clown at my next birthday party?" "Not this clown Dag", said Lisa as she grabbed him by the elbow and steered him towards the door. "Let's go see the horses." Four air hockey victories and one hilarious game of twister later Tony was sitting between Wendy and Bridger. Jonathan Ford was on the other side of the captain. Good conversation, good play and good party. He had had all this fun without getting drunk. A warm puppy dog kind of feeling. Who woulda thunk it? "Vinnie" by now had made just about everyone in the room a silly balloon hat or animal. Lucas, Ed, Brody and Ortiz were sitting on the deck laughing hysterically. They were "inventing" the Ballad of the Dragon Worm and singing it to the tune of Yankee Doodle. Loni and Tim were on a moonlight "pony" ride at the beach. Other crew members were roasting marshmallows at the bonfire. Wendy leaned closer to Tony and asked, "Happy?" "Very", he said looking down at the sextant in his lap. Diane walked up to Bridger. "Excuse me sir. It's time for you to keep up your end of the bargain. We had a deal. I keep the malcontent in the van and you dance with me at the party." She held out her hand. "I didn't forget! I thought it was a pretty good deal. Well, let's change the disc and get going! If you people will excuse me." He nodded and took her hand as he walked away. Ford scooted closer to Tony. "What do you think? Good party. The captain went to a lot of trouble planning all of this and we worked real hard getting it done. I hope we didn't leave anything out." An evil grin spread across Tony's face. "Don't worry Commander Ford. There's always Saturday night!" The End :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) ;-) Betsy just had to be alone with the captain... Diane gets yet another dance, may she have many more. Lisa needs to take care of Dag, someone has to, and Ed is causing trouble again, darn those Dragon Worms! Me? I had a lot of fun just watching. ;-) Hope you liked it, Sue T.